How to learn to cope with loneliness. Where does loneliness come from and how to deal with it. Get professional help if you need it
Loneliness can inspire poetry, music, and paintings. But while the material may be good, research shows that loneliness is extremely detrimental to health. Science related it psychological condition with high blood pressure, metabolic failure, the risk of developing heart disease and diabetes. Not to mention how loneliness leads to depression.
Also, research by the American Association of Pensioners showed that 35% of those over 45 were single.
Below are 10 strategies for dealing with this sad condition.
1. Understand what loneliness is.
“There is a difference between solitude and loneliness,” says Sanam Hafiz, a licensed clinical psychologist in New York and a faculty member at Columbia University College. “Both terms essentially mean one person; however, these are different ways of thinking,” she continues. It is very common to think that in order to feel good and worthy, external confirmation of this and other people around is necessary. Solitude is rooted in choice and the world. And when someone enjoys privacy, he / she begins to appreciate the connection above all. with themselves. They can enjoy spending time with someone else, but they don't need to. "
2. Start with small steps
When you feel isolated, it can be difficult to rebuild social bonds. You need to solve this problem gradually, in small steps.
Understand that you are not alone in the literal sense of the word - go to a large supermarket, take a walk in the park, sign up for courses, let other people around you. It is important to keep moving forward and taking steps of social interaction in any form.
3. Meet people live
Social media heightens the feeling of loneliness, when all interaction with people comes down to viewing their profiles and photos on Instagram. While services such as VKontakte and Odnoklassniki offer real connections, they also overemphasize the success of others.
Close apps, put your smartphone and laptop aside, and waste time with people you know in real life. There is no alternative to personal interaction, there are only aids.
4. Smile and say nice things
A smile and compliment given to everyone you meet during the day will cheer you up and those around you. It also initiates and strengthens bonds.
Simple rules of interaction: smile, compliment and ask something. The fourth step can be an invitation to go somewhere.
5. Walk more often
A walk is not just a path from point A to point B. Walk: notice the world around you, stop to look at beautiful things or listen to street music. Say "hello" to the person you like, wish them a good day - and you will be surprised how many positive connections you will make if you use this method.
6. Talk to strangers
It sounds embarrassing, and Bulgakov advised not to do this, but by starting to greet people in the elevator, you get to know your neighbors, and a small conversation with the seller in the store near your house provides a way out of your routine and comfort zone.
Writer Kyo Stark argues that even brief interactions with strangers increase our sense of well-being.
7. Call
Phone calls and video chats give you a sense of presence with people who are currently away from you. Schedule calls as you would a meeting: chat with a friend for half an hour, an hour; do this regularly to strengthen your connections and make them meaningful.
8. Sign up for courses
Find like-minded people with specialized events. Are you fond of foreign languages? Have you wanted to learn how to cook like a chef for a long time? Do it.
9. Reach out to someone who is also lonely.
In our loneliness, we may not notice that someone near us is also lonely. Invite someone who seems isolated to you for a walk or coffee.
This is not always an easy task, but by helping your "ally" in this trouble, you will help yourself.
10. Seek professional help if you need it
Go to a psychological consultation, discuss your problem with a psychotherapist, dial the helpline number. Our souls need healing as much as a broken leg would need it. Do this if you feel like you can't handle it yourself.
Loneliness…
This word already contains a terrible hopelessness!
Man was created as a pair, herd creature, which is why isolation is so hard.
Yes, I know about feminism, childfree and other fashion trends that claim that a self-sufficient person can do without love, friendship, children and other things.
In fact, I am against kinks in one direction and the other!
Alone with yourself and you cannot do without companies and communication at all - this is bad, if any communication or living with someone is a burden for you - this is also abnormal.
We need to find a middle ground.
"I don't have to deal with loneliness!"
I graduated from a faculty where the teaching staff was 80% female, and the overwhelming majority of the ladies were single.
And if, looking at some, I understood why not only men, but also friends fled far away from them, the loneliness of others caused bewilderment.
Clever girls, beauties, earn good money, funny, not bitches - what else do these men need?
Indeed, in modern world there is such a paradox: loneliness most often suffers from worthless men and successful women.
I think there is no need to consider the first case, but I would like to dwell on the second in more detail.
At first, these ladies studied, then they strove to gain a foothold at work, defend their dissertations and there was not much time for dates.
And, having reached a certain level, they can no longer look at a man with 9 grades of education and dirty nails.
What remains? Loneliness? No!
Overcome loneliness it is possible with a strong desire.
If someone claims that he feels quite normal, not having a loved one and friends by his side, then he is either lying or has serious psychological problems ... and I'm not kidding!
My second cousin works under the guidance of a retired boss.
The woman divorced after three years of family life, then raised her son on her own, never married again, moreover, she did not even have a promising relationship.
So, an affair for the sake of profit, the details of which are still savoring the older colleagues of the sister.
The son grew up, moved to another city, she could not find a common language with her daughter-in-law, so she even sees her grandchildren on big holidays, she lives alone in the company of cats.
But the strangest thing is not even this, but the attitude of an adult woman who sincerely hates all married people and regularly repeats the phrase: "Oh, I could not get along with anyone !!!"
So tell me that this lady has no serious psychological problems?
But there is also a benefit from her: the girls in the department were so afraid of repeating her fate that everyone quickly jumped out to get married and value their families very much!
Why is it so hard to fight loneliness?
Any problems and difficulties in life do not arise from anywhere.They are a consequence of our actions, decisions made (or not made) and behavior patterns. Loneliness is no exception.
The most common reasons that a person is not needed by anyone are the following:
Excessive pickiness.
It is not necessary to grab the first man / woman who comes to hand, but it is not an option to search for shortcomings in potential grooms / brides all your life.
Ideal people do not exist, everyone has their own shortcomings, you are required to decide whether you can put up with certain character traits and habits of another person?
Selfishness and laziness.
Any relationship is not an easy job that needs to be worked on all your life!
Yes, yes, not just go with the flow and wave your hand at everything, but work!
For a marriage or friendship to be successful, you need to sometimes give in, sometimes be flexible, sometimes sacrifice your own interests.
It must be remembered that you are no longer only I, but also WE!
Excessive aggressiveness.
Power, a tendency to tantrums, cruelty, and other bad character traits, with which you can and should fight not only for the sake of others, but also for your own sake.
Unkempt appearance.
You can be an interesting person, but no one wants to date a woman with dirty hair and arrow tights, or a man with a beer belly and bad breath. They are really greeted by their clothes!
Excessive assertiveness in a relationship.
People who are in too much of a hurry overcome loneliness, scare.
If you sluggishly courting a girl for years, then most likely she will leave you. But also when planning your family life on a second date, achieve the same effect.
Maintain a sense of proportion!
Indeed, if you have an interesting job in a good team, loyal friends, hobbies and you maintain warm relations with your family, then you will not perceive the absence of a soul mate so sharply!
You can also cope with suffering by adhering to the following guidelines:
Don't get hung up on the fact that you are alone right now.
Think of a break in your personal life as a temporary hardship that will definitely end!
Do not be embittered.
The fact that you will hate your girlfriend / boyfriend, whose everything is just "hurt" in your personal life, you will not become happier!
The hatred that devours you will sooner or later be reflected on your face and this will scare men / women away.
Better sincerely rejoice for the arranged personal life of your friend and program yourself to repeat her success! 😉
- live interestingly.
Visit theaters, museums, exhibitions, volunteer for a charity.
Your free time is the envy of married women and married men, use it for personal growth.
In addition, in such places you have a real chance to meet a like-minded person.
It offers many opportunities for communication, which may well turn from virtual to real.
The main thing is not to become addicted to the Internet.
Find someone who needs your love.
A kitten or a puppy at home will drive away loneliness, and the birth of a child without a husband has not been considered a crime for a long time (this is of course the most extreme option).
I propose to see an interesting conclusion of scientists,
on how older people can deal with loneliness:
Deal with loneliness- simple enough.
The main thing is not to drown in it, not to shut yourself off from the world and not start feeling sorry for yourself.
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There are many reasons why people feel lonely. It can be non-communicative, and a deliberate refusal to spend time in the company of other people, and much more. Some people feel lonely even when surrounded by people, because even in this environment they lack meaningful communication. We all feel lonely from time to time, but this feeling is never pleasant. Dealing with loneliness can take different shapes including meeting people, appreciating loneliness, family reunification. Keep reading and you will learn how to deal with loneliness.
Steps
Understanding feelings of loneliness
- When do you feel especially lonely?
- Are there certain people with whom you feel more lonely?
- How long have you been feeling lonely?
- What do you want to do when you feel lonely?
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Keep a journal of your feelings and thoughts. A diary can help you better understand your feelings of loneliness and can be a good way to reduce stress. Find yourself a cozy place to keep a journal and devote about twenty minutes a day to writing. You can start by writing down how you feel or what you think about, or use hints. You can start with the words:
Meditate. Some sources claim that meditation can relieve feelings of loneliness and depression. Meditation is in a great way“Interacting” with your loneliness and helping you understand its causes. Learning to meditate takes time, practice, and guidance, so you are better off enrolling in a meditation course. If there are no such centers in your city, then you can buy a training CD.
Consider talking to a professional about how you are feeling. It can be difficult to find out why you are alone and how to get rid of those feelings. A licensed psychologist can help you understand and work with your loneliness. Feelings of loneliness can be due to depression or other mental illness... Talking to a specialist will help you understand what is happening and choose the right course of action.
- Remember internet safety. Not all are who they claim to be, and many take advantage of other people's loneliness.
Find out the reasons for your feelings of loneliness. In order to help yourself, you must first understand why you feel alone. Suppose if you are single because you don't have enough friends, then you need to make new acquaintances. But even with many friends, you can remain lonely due to the lack of meaningful communication with them. Answer the following questions to help yourself understand the reasons for your loneliness:
Enjoy your privacy
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Learn to distinguish loneliness from solitude. Being lonely, you are unhappy. In solitude, you enjoy your company. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be alone, especially since this time can be very useful and enjoyable for you.
Work on yourself. Usually, if we pay too much attention to others, we neglect our own interests. If you have to be lonely for some period, then take advantage of this and devote this time to yourself. This is a great opportunity for you and you deserve to be happy!
Go in for sports. Gym workouts are usually the first thing we do when we’re busy. If you are spending less time with other people than you usually do, then use that time for sports. If you train in the gym, you may meet new friends or someone special!
Learn new skills. A new hobby can help you overcome feelings of loneliness, even if you are alone. You can learn to play an instrument, paint, or dance. These group activities will not only help you connect with new people, but will give you the opportunity to creatively express your feelings. Transform your loneliness into something wonderful !!
Do something meaningful. People always have a business that they want to do for a long time and there are always a thousand excuses not to get down to it. Would you like to, for example, write a book or make a film? Use loneliness as an excuse to do something worthwhile. Who knows, maybe this will turn into something to help others deal with their loneliness ...
- Do not mistake casual acquaintances for your close friends, whom you can trust with everything. Build trust gradually. There is nothing wrong with having many acquaintances, a significant number of friends with whom you can enjoy your time, and a lot fewer close friends whom you can trust with personal information. Treat your contacts as a series of concentrated circles.
- Understand that you can be lonely, even when surrounded by crowds. You can have friends, family, many acquaintances, but you will still feel lonely. Those who find it difficult to interact with others can contact a specialist.
- Learn to enjoy your company. When you love yourself for who you are, you can see it. Everyone likes people who are optimistic and confident.
- Understand that you don't have to be in a relationship to be happy. It may not be easy to see that all of your friends are in a relationship or to feel that something is wrong with you because you are not dating. But you don't need to date someone just to feel part of the group. Make new friends and only date someone when you're ready.
- Remember that the reason for your shyness is that we are all shy. People don't focus on your shortcomings; rather, they care about their own shortcomings.
- Create a positive mood and atmosphere. Understand that being alone can be a good time to try new things, relax, or nurture your creativity. After all, some of the most famous people have spent a lot of time alone.
- Be yourself! You don't have to play a role to please others. Each of us is unique in its own way. Spend time with yourself to discover your unique qualities. People like you for who you are, not for who you want to be.
- Sometimes you may be the only one who can help you. But don't let yourself be that person, even if you have to go through difficult times. Better to take risks, meet people, and try new things. Love yourself so others can love you.
- Those who have religious convictions can join some kind of community where you can talk about faith. Most churches have these types of clubs. If your church doesn't have one, you can open it yourself.
- Rest helps memory and soothes.
- Think of a happy place or a place where you feel good.
- Listen to music or read a book in the second person to make it feel like someone is talking to you.
- How and why did this happen to me?
- Why do my attempts to start a conversation end in failure?
Under the weight of mental anguish, a person makes attempts aimed at changing his lifestyle, looking for a way out, but behavioral patterns are again pulled into a maelstrom of detachment and depression. Unfortunately, paradoxical behavior cannot be avoided with "self-medication".
They work tirelessly to improve themselves, then give up and bury themselves alive, once deciding that something is wrong with them and it is impossible to love them.
"Experts" advise
- For men, in a non-verbal way, refute the judgment that he “is not needed and interesting to anyone,” and communication will improve. The solution seems to be on the surface - in order not to be lonely - just start communicating as if communication is a drug.
- Women "find" a man who will cope with her inner experiences.
- Firstly, because a person can feel lonely, being in a wide circle of friends and even with his family.
- Secondly, lonely people cannot just come up and get to know someone, communicate, an internal barrier holds them back. Even if the acquaintance takes place, the further development of events is in question.
Loneliness lies in the inner world of a person
The desire to communicate collides with the fear of someone else's opinion. A lonely person always thinks that he is not interesting to anyone, that something “wrong” will be thought of him, he will be superfluous in the company, rejected.
According to a loner, in order to establish contacts with society, he should change himself, and only then will he be worthy of a relationship. Internal conflict: the need for communication and the fear of being rejected - results in a rejection of oneself.
The problem of rejection comes from childhood.
Parents from an early age instilled in the child that the opinion of others is higher than their own. Criticism of parents leads to self-rejection and constant inner efforts to keep distance from the people around.
In order to protect oneself from the possible trauma of rejection, a person is saved by loneliness. Any kind of emotional communication can be heartbreaking. To be open, on the one hand, means to experience all the delights of human communication, on the other, to run the risk of experiencing emotional pain. So the main reason for loneliness is precisely the mental conflict.
When studying loneliness, confusion often arises between the effect and the cause of its occurrence. The reason for a person's loneliness is in internal conflict, and not in the fact that a worthy person was not found. In the process of getting rid of loneliness, it is necessary to start with the resolution of the internal conflict.
1.
You must be able to accept yourself as you are. This is the same as in life, when you become a spectator of a conflict between people, you try to get away from it. Likewise, emotional experiences are visible to others, repel, scare away.
Attracted only by those individuals who respect themselves and are confident in themselves. Self-love is an important factor in building relationships. Only after a person begins to love himself does he encounter the same attitude towards himself. Stop looking for your flaws, and accept yourself in its entirety (with merits and demerits).
2. Instead of changing yourself, engage in changing habitual but ineffective behaviors. If you detach your personality from the results of activity, then the fear of loneliness disappears. Evaluation from the outside becomes unimportant. In the absence of fear, the threat of loneliness disappears.
Where to find a cure for loneliness?
There is no need to search for anything. The main thing is to understand yourself, to make friends with the inner world. After the onset of peace of mind and pacification, the problem of meeting and finding friends and loved ones will recede.Come to the Learning to Love Yourself program and exit vicious circle loneliness is guaranteed!
Very few people are able to truly enjoy loneliness - as a rule, most of us are burdened by this state. However, there are ways to help you cope with your worries about this.
Almost all people are afraid of being alone, and this is absolutely normal, since a person lives in society. Concerns about the life of a hermit make even children think. With age, anxiety increases and turns into fear. Any thought of loneliness often terrifies us. It is these feelings that push people to commit rash acts. For example, a woman can marry someone she doesn't even like very much, just to start a family. However, a man can do the same.
Under what circumstances can a person feel lonely?
People who do not like to communicate with others are very rarely afraid of being alone, they have no need to build relationships with others. Most often, they have enough correspondence with a person who lives in another country, or rare meetings with almost their only friend. If you have a lot of friends, and you like to spend time with them often, then most likely you are worried about how you will feel when this is all over. In fact, this fear exists only in the head of a person, and in fact, he does not threaten to be cut off from society.
In what circumstances do we feel lonely? Most often, the thought that you were left all alone comes after the loss of someone close. It can be like parting with a loved one or just a quarrel. At such times, it is important to remember that your situation is temporary, and soon you will either restore a relationship or start new ones. It is much more difficult to overcome the fear of being hurt again and learn to trust.
Also, you may feel lonely after major changes, such as moving or changing jobs, when you lose a strong bond with the people you love.
How to tell if you're really alone
There are far fewer truly lonely people than those who consider themselves so. The fact is that we often look at our own life drunkenly, that is, under the influence of emotions. It happens that a person only thinks that no one needs him, and none of his acquaintances wants to keep in touch with him. In fact, things may be far from the case.
To understand this issue, you need to spend a lot of time introspection. Try to calm down, and think if there is at least one person in your environment to whom you can tell what is happening in your heart. It is also possible, on the contrary, that someone is revealed to you. If you can be sincere in the presence of someone, then you are no longer alone. And if your friend or acquaintance pours out his soul in front of you, then he trusts you, which means that you are dear to him. Also, try to test your thoughts and assumptions. Perhaps they will want to take care of your emotional experiences much more people than you imagine.
4 stages of loneliness
In turn, there are different types loneliness. Each person experiences a period in his life when he is completely alone, but the situation soon changes. This is temporary loneliness. Everything is much more complicated if a person for a long time cannot establish any kind of relationship with others. Also, loneliness can be broken down into several stages.
1. There is no loved one and family
The first conditional stage of loneliness is the loss of a beloved girlfriend and family. This situation occurs in almost everyone's life. After parting, a person can close in himself and ruin relations with all those close to him, including his family. In fact, loneliness at this stage is fairly easy to get rid of. Remember that your whole life connects with your family, and almost any disagreement can be settled. If, on the contrary, you cannot forgive your family for something, try to remember something good that was done for you. Try to analyze the positive aspects of your parents, spouse, or other family member so that they outweigh the negative ones.
When it comes to losing a loved one, breaking up is much more difficult. Chances are, you feel betrayed and no longer want to trust anyone. First of all, try to make sure that you do not have time at all to think about your ex. Immerse yourself in work or sports, find a new hobby. After a while, try starting a new relationship. Try to spend a lot of time with the company so that loneliness does not progress to the second stage.
2. No family or friends
After a person loses a loved one and family, and also withdraws into himself and refuses to solve problems, he begins to lose friends. This is the second stage of loneliness. If you understand that you are at this stage at the moment, then do not rush to get scared and despair, but take the situation into your own hands.
Understand that you are getting fewer friends, not because you become uninteresting to them because of your problems, but because you yourself neglect them. When you refuse to contact them, or do not want to spend time together, friends begin to feel resentment, betrayal.
Remember that they are not to blame for what happened to you, and therefore should not suffer because of it. There is a way out of their situation, and it is very simple. You should pay more attention to your friends, and perhaps ask for forgiveness for your behavior. Then you will not only restore the relationship, but also get help in solving other problems.
3. There is no one close at all
After you have lost your family, girlfriend or wife, friends, you can start turning away from yourself and other loved ones that you have left. You will no longer be able to communicate with colleagues, which means you will be alone in another area of your life. At this stage, you will most likely want to get rid of loneliness, but it will be difficult for you to find a common language with others. Still, the best way to get life back on track is to spend time with the company. Try to make new acquaintances. Sign up for some classroom courses where you can interact with people in a relaxed atmosphere. Also, you can meet someone from your city online. However, remember that you definitely need to get to know your pen friend in reality, and you should not delay this moment.
4. You are completely cut off from society
Unfortunately, the fear of rejection prevents a person from getting rid of loneliness. After a certain time, he remains absolutely alone. Some of the people who are in this stage of loneliness refuse to go outside for years. They contact only with sellers in stores, or with couriers. Perhaps some of them enjoy this lifestyle, but remember, everything can always be changed. If you feel like you can't just find a friend on the street or online, make an appointment with a psychologist.
If you're really alone
If you've been suffering from loneliness for a long time, then most likely you blame yourself for your situation. Accordingly, you have poor self-esteem, and you also see ill-wishers in the people around you. First of all, you must understand that if a person does not have friends or relatives, then this does not mean at all that something is wrong with him. You can always find someone close in spirit, just get out of the house more often, develop, and then you will seem to others as a very interesting and versatile person. Also, you should not only make new acquaintances, but also try to renew old relationships. You will most likely be able to become friends again with a former classmate or classmate.
How to deal with feelings of loneliness
If in fact there are a lot of people around you, both close and not, but at the same time the feeling of loneliness does not leave you
If there are always a lot of people around you, but none of them is your friend, support and support, then most likely you simply do not let others around you. That is, you yourself cannot be sincere with them, and also do not allow them to open up. Try to remind yourself that even if someone hurt you in the past, they are not in your life right now. Most likely, right now, next to you is the girl who will never hurt, as well as a friend who will support. Dealing with people is always a risk, but it is almost always justified.
How to come to terms with loneliness and is it worth doing at all
Of course, being lonely isn't always a bad thing. You can try to come to terms with your situation or change the situation. To decide for yourself which position to choose, you need to weigh all the pros and cons of living a loner, and then decide which type of life suits you personally.
Few people know that loneliness negatively affects health. Hermit people almost always suffer from alcoholism. In addition, they overeat or, on the contrary, forget to eat normally, and also smoke. There are also problems with nervous system, since all feelings and emotions remain unspoken, and oppress a person. Because of this, loners are constantly depressed. Also, his self-esteem drops sharply, as well as distrust of others increases.
On the other hand, loneliness allows a person to analyze himself, his worldview. Many hermits go to the mountains or other remote areas in order to find harmony in themselves, to do meditation. Also, living alone allows you to take a break from the fast pace of life in the world. Some people associate loneliness with fresh air. It is during this period of life that a person begins to truly understand what personal space is, and also learns to value it.
Psychologist's advice: how to overcome depression amid loneliness
Many people are confident that they can cope with long-term depression if they interact with others a lot. This is true, but there is a small condition. Support from the outside is definitely needed, but it is also necessary that a person suffering from loneliness began to change his inner world. Start with your own thoughts, analyze them. As soon as you realize that at the moment your thoughts are only depressing, stop them. Try to think positively and it will soon become a habit. Also, step by step, start solving your problems, you can ask your loved ones for help in this. Also start talking to a counselor. Make an appointment first, and then try group sessions later where you can make friends and possibly get rid of your loneliness forever.
