I dedicate this post to some of the aspects of rebuilding relationships when ex-partners meet many years after the breakup.

As usual, I want to anticipate the questions and comments: "But it was not so with me ...", "And if ...", etc. I do not set myself the task of describing YOUR story, and I do not try to guess what it was in reality. This article is only a generalization, on the basis of which you may draw the correct conclusions and correctly assess your own, unique situation.

How does it happen ...

Such meetings (many years later) can occur for various reasons: one of you both decided to get in touch on his own (called or wrote); you met by chance (on the street, at an event, at work, etc.)

It seems that everything is already forgotten and you did not expect such a contact. You have a constant partner or your own family, children, or you are still alone and have long put a cross on yourself, but now, you saw him, and you seemed to be pierced by lightning. You cannot even determine what is really happening, but something irresistibly pulls you towards this long-standing love. Forgotten old grievances and misunderstandings, you are already a woman wise by life experience, and everything that seemed important before, the principles that you so fiercely defended in your youth now seem petty against the background of a great all-consuming feeling that you once sacrificed for these principles. The former partner also shows a genuine interest in you, you communicate with him beautifully and kindly, mentally plunging deeper and deeper into pleasant memories of a distant, and only now appreciated by you, such a contradictory but wonderful past ...

Of course, a meeting after a “long pause” will not always look exactly as I described it. Much depends on what the relationship was, how long, harmonious, what brought more - joy or pain, how difficult and painful the breakup was. We will not delve into such subtleties and will start from the moment when contact between former partners is established and communication is pleasant for both parties.

The first dialogues are usually carried out carefully. You are afraid to devote the guy to the details of your personal life and, in turn, are afraid to ask such questions to your counterpart. He behaves the same way. This fear is dictated by the unwillingness to break the established fragile connection, you just feel good together and that's enough for now. That is why you are trying to be as correct with each other as possible. Your topics of conversation, initially limited to general “how are you?” Questions to which you both answer without details, move relatively quickly to shared memories that are pleasant to both of you.

And now, you already have the impression that this guy is “your man” and only him - the only one, you have been waiting all your life, and this new meeting is nothing but a “gift of fate” and “means something”.

Usually, as a woman who is much more curious than men, you begin to use clever methods to find out how your ex feels about you. You "almost love him already", but he is you? References to poems, songs and paintings with a very unambiguous content are used. You are trying to find out what kind of wave your ex-boyfriend is tuned in, and whether he feels towards you, at least approximately, the same way that you feel. Do you want to convey your mood and feelings to him, but so that, on the one hand, you do not frighten him off, and on the other hand, you leave yourself a path to retreat if he does not accept your “promises”.

But a "miracle" happens - he accepts the format of communication you offer and also begins to respond with links to songs and poems. It is almost guaranteed that somewhere at this stage (or earlier) you will return in conversations to the moment of breaking off relations, calmly find out everything and express a completely different point of view on the reasons that separated you. Most likely, this conversation will end in "drawing the line" under the past disagreements, conflicts and end with reconciliation, since you are already different and he is also different, and, as it turned out, many years later, you, to our mutual pleasure, unite much more than divide.

It is possible that you will begin to experience something reminiscent of falling in love, and if the ex experiences something similar, then this feeling will create the illusion of "repeating the past" and cause an irresistible desire to use the "granted by fate" to reunite again.

Return to reality

And so, your attitude towards each other is determined, you both recognized the breakup as a terrible mistake and now you are bathed in tenderness for each other, wanting to unite hearts as soon as possible and continue the love that had suddenly ended once. You are ready to give up everything - your current partners, families and go all-out, just to be together.

In fact, this is the most dangerous moment in restoring this type of relationship, and mistakes will be very expensive, the cost of which will be the ruined lives of your loved ones. And even if you are both free, or both are unhappy in your current relationship, you shouldn't rush. While both of you are in a state of illusion, living in a world of memories and delight, you tend to overly idealize your partner, not knowing who and what you are dealing with in reality.

So far, both of you are not in the present for each other. You are each other's past, and the past is always perceived in rainbow colors. Until you move from the past to the present, and the present does not prevail over the past in your communication, there is nothing to even think about how to change your life. There is still a lot to do.

When you were young, the life of one of you was known to another. You gladly shared stories about yourself, about your friends and relatives, about tastes, habits and preferences. Disputes and disagreements arose between you, which you learned to resolve. In this way, you recognized your partner and yourself became "transparent" for him.

Now, many years later, it is not only impossible to rely on old information, but it is also dangerous to do so. Much has changed both in your tastes and in life principles. You went through several life stages separately from each other, your personalities were transformed in different ways and until your partner appears before you as he is, without embellishment, and you will not appear before him in the same form, risk the new error will be very high.

You should once again “live” that part of your life when you were apart and did not know anything about the former, but only “live” it already with him, and he needs to do the same. Both of you must transfer your relationship from the past to the present, when you can communicate without memories, begin to live not the past, but the current life of each other and become "transparent" again. Only from this moment can you start counting the BEGINNING of building new relationships and not a second earlier.

Well, and then everything is as usual when building and developing relationships, with the only difference that you will have to act, perhaps, in more difficult conditions than in youth. But you can't rush until you are sure that you are on the right path and have passed all the "checks" for compatibility, because the cost of a mistake will be immeasurably higher, especially if for the sake of your happiness, you have to make other people unhappy.

It is quite possible that after a while, when the euphoria has passed, the truth will open up in front of you, and you will understand “no, this is not my person,” and the “hand of fate” was intended just so that you understand this and do not regret the past breakup. ... And your great happiness if this epiphany occurs before you have time to make a hasty decision.

FROM THE AUTHOR: My answers in the comments are the opinion of a private person and not a recommendation from a specialist. I try to answer everyone without exception, but unfortunately I physically do not have time to study long stories, analyze them, ask questions about them and then answer in detail, and I also do not have the opportunity to accompany your situations, because this requires a huge amount of free time, and I have very little of it.

In this regard, I very much ask you to ask specific questions on the topic of the article, do not expect that I will advise in the comments or accompany your situation.

Of course, you can ignore my request (which many do), but in that case, be prepared for the fact that I may not answer you. This is not a matter of principle, but exclusively of time and my physical capabilities. Don't be offended.

If you want to receive qualified assistance, please contact for advice, and I will devote my time and knowledge to you with full dedication.

Best regards and hope for understanding, Frederica

Sociologists have established that a person can be really happy in marriage only if married with a person whom he fell in love for the first time. Therefore, they do not advise falling in love with youth in order to find happiness in later life. Having studied the psychology of relations between married couples who have lived together for a long time, sociologists have come to the conclusion that first love is becoming an unrealistic measure that does not make it possible to see the positive character traits of the person who is now nearby.

Many people take the topic of first love especially quiveringly, for someone it is a joy for life, and for another - eternal pain ... Subconsciously, everyone who was in love in their youth wants to return to the past and again meet with their first love. Despite the fact that each of them already has their own family, rarely anyone succeeds in mastering their feelings. That is why even after 20 years it seems to many that everything may not be lost yet and there is an opportunity to bring back those happy moments of life that remind of themselves with the purity and sincerity of the relationship.

The first love- this is a personal test of a person, in it he gains experience and opens up. Precisely because a person in love for the first time feels more and more, the memories of first love excite him all his life. But why, then, do these feelings rarely stand the test and do not lead to a long, happy life together? This is the fallacy of the judgments of many lovers, who believe that if they were together with the first love, then their quivering feelings could overcome all obstacles and would last forever.

After parting memories about the first love are overgrown with a pink veil of sentimentality, a person begins to idealize this one, and over time it turns into a good plot for Indian melodrama. Nostalgia for first love is especially strong at times when problems arise in personal life, when a person who has offended something next to him. The current relationship seems gray and boring, and those that were previously real and beautiful. Indeed, in those relationships there were no responsibilities and problems, they did not have to do household chores and earn a living. At that time, the world was full of joy and romance.

Sociological research showed that men are nostalgic for first love only in case of lack of attention from their wife, but women can remain faithful to adolescent feelings for many years, despite the fact that they are surrounded by the care and love of their husbands. Because of strong feelings of love, women do not notice their happiness and cannot adequately reciprocate to those who now truly love her and are near. From how a person worries about the first love depends on his further well-being and the ability to build family relationships.

If first love is over parting and deep mental trauma, complexes and resentments will spread to the person who loves him at the present time. First love will remind you all the time that real happiness can no longer be, it will be lost forever. In fact, such thoughts are false, as evidenced by the many examples of those who, for the sake of their first love, leave the family with a dream to return to those happy moments of life. As the philosopher Heraclitus correctly noted: "You cannot enter the same river twice."

Going to a meeting with your first love, a person idealizes her in advance and dreams of meeting a young girl or boy. In reality, he sees in front of him a completely different person who has different habits, views and tastes. A real partner is often different from what he was in his youth, because he did not have any problems, he did not have to earn a living and think about responsibilities. As a result, you can very soon find out that the hero from a fairy tale called "First Love" is the same earthly person who makes mistakes, is harsh and rude. He is the same as the others, and maybe even worse. Often having met with first love, a person understands how dear the one who has been with him all his life. It is not for nothing that there is a proverb among the people: "An unattainable thing always seems better than the one that lies at hand."

Of course, all of the above does not mean that it is not necessary be in love and you need to live with the unloved. You just need to live in the present, learn to love and take care of those who are with you today. Living in a past consisting of teenage fantasies, a person does not notice how happy he is now. During the transition to adulthood, each person experiences the difficulties of life, one must learn to overcome them and find compromises.

First love shouldn't cause that you do not know the next love. Yes, then you loved and were loved just like that, without any obligations and mutual reproaches. It was the command of inexperienced hearts, and this is the charm of first love. She, pure and tender, cannot be compared with the one that can be after meeting many years later with a former lover. Do not look for meetings with first love, let the past remain in the past! Better think about how you can improve the relationship with the person who is next to you now. This is the true path to happiness, and not one that is built on the illusion of returning to first love.

Hello Olga!

By chance I came across your magazine. Now I have been reading for 2 weeks without stopping. Thanks for the advice - yours and the members of the club, who help organize their disheveled thoughts. It's nice that such a useful magazine lives with us in Siberia (we are neighbors - Krasnoyarsk Territory and Irkutsk).

Now I am in a difficult life situation. Maybe from the outside this is an ordinary life, but the heart refuses to understand and accept.

A little bit about yourself. I am 37 years old. I have a second husband (he is a civilian or a roommate - as you like). We have been living together for 8 years, there are no joint children, and we did not plan. I have a daughter from my first marriage.

With this second (current) husband we worked and are working in related departments at the same enterprise. On my part, there were no attempts to get closer, although they talked for almost 2 years. When they started studying on the President's program (as he later said), he decided to get closer, because he liked me, and also "for a change." I did not mention my husband (then, the first) in conversations, and he considered me a free woman with a child. Then I was surprised that I was married.

At that time, I was in my first marriage for 9 years. The first husband was my classmate at the university - but somehow we disagreed in views, interests and desires. I worked, he didn't. Until now, he is in search of himself ... There was one betrayal known to me (I returned home early from work, and there was a naked woman with her husband), parting and coming back. But something died. Therefore, my consent to an affair with someone who later became my second husband was like an impetus to a new life. She parted with her first spouse (one might say, kicked out) almost immediately. She did not want to start any long-term relationship - but it turned out that she fell in love like a girl.

The second husband was painfully given a break with his family (more precisely, with a daughter of 7 years old). He planned that he would communicate with her, often take her to him, etc. And the wife - not in any; forbade the child to communicate with me. He agreed to this, and for all 8 years he met with the child at his parents or in neutral places. He said, "I left my daughter for you." I kind of gained everything, but he lost ...

His relationship with my daughter was built in descending order: from “dad” to “stepfather” on the part of my daughter, and “choose who is more dear to you” on his part. This was the last year. Then somehow it calmed down, indifference came - but there was no joint leisure, as it should be, in our family. I blame myself for loving him more than my daughter.

This summer, the "former" invaded my life, she is her husband's first school love, let's call her V.

They were friends at school for 2 years, then they left for different cities. During the holidays, V. became pregnant (she said that it was from him, but she said this to him only 4 years later when we met). I wrote him letters (hinted) - but he did not understand her, and V. had to have an abortion. That did not prevent her from soon becoming pregnant again (from another man) and giving birth to an illegitimate child.

He dropped out of the university in Moscow, returned home, went to the army. V. did not see him off. But suddenly she began to write to him in the army, make plans and give him hope. He forgave, came on vacation, came to her ... The door was opened by someone else's mother and said - V. went with her husband to the doctor, as they are expecting a baby.

In general, after the army, he married another, gave birth to a daughter. He told all his wives (including me) about his great feelings for V. He also told me that he loved me even more than V.

V. did not live in our small town, but returned 6 years ago with her family. She is married with 3 children and already has a granddaughter.

As an active classmate, V. organized meeting evenings. My husband visited them a couple of times, although before that his ex-wife did not let him go there - just because of V. Returning from meetings, my husband even said that he could not live with V. - she is not his kind of person ...

And this summer he had to (very sorry, but had no choice) to turn to a real estate agency for an urgent sale of the apartment. And the agency is the family business of V. and her spouse ...

And what do you think? He looked into her eyes - and saw the eyes of a 16-year-old girl. In his words ... And he doesn't give a damn about the fact that she has a husband, children, granddaughter ... And - as if there were no 20 years of separation.

I myself began a text message from early morning until 5:30 am the next day, meeting at the club when I was away from town, etc. His cell phone became a taboo for me - everywhere with me, there is no sound for calls or SMS ... This lasted 3 months. I, of course, felt something wrong, some kind of detachment, a demand for personal freedom without knowing where, with whom and for how much, and also “not to replace his whole world with myself” ... I demanded an explanation; he said: "The time will come - I will tell." Once, while drinking after a bath, he called me by the name V. And then he said: "All my life I love her alone, she is my eternal love and dream, and you are a concubine." The next morning he refused his words - they say, you shouldn't listen to a drunken man ...

At the dacha, on my birthday, I caught him running around the corner with his phone. I am hysterical, and he: "I wrote a poem for you, and you interrupted me ... In the evening we will talk to you." In the evening, of course, we didn't talk. We drank beer, and he went for a walk - alone. Then I saw that during the walk I had been talking to V. on the phone for an hour.

It was the last day of my vacation and I went back to work. On the very first working day in the evening, I found out that my 17-year-old daughter was pregnant. Her husband's reaction was completely unexpected: "Well, he will give birth and finish school." I thought - a mini-abortion ... In general, while walking home, my husband calmed me ... And then he told me about V.'s abortion from him - and that he regrets about it all his life.

A day later, I printed out his phone bill for the last 3 months - horror! 250 SMS per day. I remember some memorable days (my daughter's birthday, mine and his, etc.) and see - from morning until night at any convenient moment, writes V. SMS and calls.

I asked him bluntly: who is she to you? Answer: a business partner, prepares documents for my father. Then: "Why did you climb, this is my life, and I would figure it out myself ..."

In the heat of emotion, I called V. and asked her who he was to her. She said - who are you for me to talk to you? Ask your roommate ... And hung up.

He went into his office, called from there and said that "it was love for three months" and "how dear you are both to me."

I felt terribly bad. I drank a sea of ​​tranquilizers - and waited until it got dark to quietly leave work with a screaming face ... We left work together in the evening. V. sent her husband an SMS, and he showed it to me. "I will never forgive you." What exactly "this" - did not say.

Everything collapsed at once. I had to quickly prepare my daughter's wedding. It turned out that his and my daughters are well acquainted, and sometimes they walk together. My daughter has already been married, and his daughter was also at the wedding. We will make repairs in our daughter's room, there are joint plans ...

But I cannot overcome myself and do not trust him. I constantly check his conversations on the phone at work. V. writes him SMS, seemingly of a business nature ... but then why does the realtor communicate only via SMS? He showed me one SMS (confirmed the business nature), and the second, after that, he only read out to half: "Take the documents, but not today." I secretly read the second half myself: "You didn't say hello to my husband in the parking lot today, and he tortured me, why." In general, it turned out that it was V.'s husband who was offended and wanted to hand over the incomplete documents, and V. would complete them so that the husband would not know ... They have been calling for 2 days and going to different registration chambers. My own self does not tell me this until I ask directly.

In general, I still have not heard the conversation and some kind of remorse on his part, although almost a month has passed. All my attempts to talk are suppressed - "I told you everything you need." And somehow he uttered: "I offered both of you in the summer to have children, but both of you refused." "It is better to regret that ..." [ed. Unfortunately, this is where this phrase in Marusya's letter breaks off].

There is still an unresolved issue between us about real estate - it is registered in my name, and after the delivery of the house it will be necessary to re-register it to it. I also have a big loan for this property. So he simply had nowhere to go, even if he wanted to. And I told him many times that I didn’t have a hotel in order to wait for a convenient moment to leave. And there is no need to "cut the tail in parts, so that it does not hurt so much ..."

There is no ardor of love in me, but the feeling of reliability and friendship has disappeared somewhere - something broke at that moment, broke and cannot be restored (probably). They say that one must live with the knowledge of betrayal inside - especially when you remember the good moments in our life and now you understand that on his part all this was deceitful and feigned.

What to do, how can I explain this situation to myself? Should I calm down - or am I missing something? It is difficult to answer all the questions for oneself.

Thank you for reading my confused thoughts. I needed to talk.

Maroussia

Olga_Taevskaya: My opinion: There are people who live without a stamp and wedding, love and are faithful, kiss and caress only each other, and sign after the birth of children or on the eve of birth. Some love and only meet (and consider each other husband and wife - in a deep, natural sense of life). I, too, for myself once deduced the formula husband-wife. A husband for me is precisely a "husband" - as long as we are faithful to each other, if a man kisses and hugs another, he is no longer my husband, but a roommate, neighbor, partner, anyone, but not a husband. And if I cheated on my husband, it means that I took another husband for myself, and I am no longer his wife. And if the family survived after the betrayal (even a kiss), then this is already life not with a husband or wife, but life for the sake of something else (real estate, children, some other reasons).
For me, divorce is already an intimate contact with another man, and if intimate contact with another man had a place to be, this (other) man would already be considered my husband (in the direct sense), and by no means the one with whom I am stamped.
These are my radical, "ancient cave" views on this issue. Very personal.

So my advice to you: find out, if possible, if they have intimate contacts (and whether they had), if not - everything else is nonsense, drunken narcissism and communication with a childhood friend, and you are still his wife, and she is just the woman with whom he once had something, well, stirred up, it happens, this can be forgiven and understood. Then - she's just his ex, "tainted by time" ...

But if she was his wife, as it were, already with you, this is a divorce in my understanding on his part, and you decide whether to live with him, being no longer a wife, but it is not clear who for him, or to completely tear up what already was torn apart by him.

• Find a foothold in the past. First love is part of our personal history. Returning to youth, we are looking for the source of unspent strength in ourselves.
• Confirm your worth. It is important for us to make sure that our life choices are correct and to end a relationship that has not received continuation. By parting with ideal images of the past, we can build new relationships in real-life circumstances.

In response to the question "Would you like to meet your first love again?" we are unlikely to specify who we are talking about. For each of us, a specific person stands behind this phrase.

What drives us when we try to track down his tracks? What do we lack in the present if we readily plunge into the past? What do we expect from a meeting with a person with whom we parted 10, 20, 30 years ago?

Back to yourself

Tatiana, 39, found a forum where her classmates talked, including her first lover.

“We broke up in the middle of the 9th grade: my family moved to another city. For a long time I could not make up my mind to write to the forum, and then I was very worried, I waited: would Victor answer or not? He answered, and now we correspond ten times a day, we cannot stop talking. It seems that we have become as naive and sincere again as 25 years ago. "

The search for first love is nostalgia for the era of innocence, romanticism, brightness of emotions

For many, first love symbolizes a moment in life when we felt full of energy, and the future seemed so promising. The search for first love is nostalgia for the era of innocence, romanticism, and the brightness of emotions.

“For the first time blinded by love, we are spontaneous, we are attracted by inner impulses and desires,” says Olga Dolgopolova, gestalt therapist. - We create an ideal image, in fact, projecting our desires and needs onto a specific person. We expect from him what we lack in life: understanding, tenderness, support, sexuality ... "

If the relationship of young people develops, then the ideal romantic image gradually gives way to a real person. Years later, the first love is often sought by precisely those who could not or did not have time to get to know each other enough.

“But even in this case, our feelings are directed rather not to another, but to ourselves,” says psychologist-consultant Boris Masterov. - We unconsciously strive to be in the past - in that time when, as it seems to us, we were better, cleaner and full of joyful hopes. And often behind this there is a desire to return to your unrealized “I”.

Express the unsaid

Those who go in search of their first love often say that they are attracted by the feeling of understatement, the incompleteness of the relationship.

This is especially acute if the relationship ended due to external circumstances, with which the lovers at that time did not have the strength to fight. Parental pressure, relocation, public opinion ...

“An identification with fabulous and mythological couples, literary heroes, arises unconsciously: Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde, those whose love was forbidden, impossible due to external circumstances,” says psychotherapist Alexander Badchen. "Early romantic relationships are idealized in culture as well: poetry, music, literature, cinema."

The search for first love is a call for help to the one who was once dear to us.

The feeling of incompleteness gives rise to inner protest and a desire to find your first love, to “close the topic”.

This is confirmed by 28-year-old Anna: “We broke up because his parents strongly objected to our meetings. For a long time I could not believe that he chose them and not me ... Now I would like to see the man who was my first love, so that he would see me and understand how wrong he was. Well, and at the same time make sure that he is indifferent to me. "

Get a second chance

When we experience success, when our quality of life changes, or when we go through an identity crisis, we need to feel something unchanging, permanent. In order to preserve our identity, we seek support from the past.

“We are returning to familiar territory because the old relationship is always safer than meeting a new person. The search for first love is a call for help to someone who was once dear to us, ”explains Alexander Badkhen.

“The easiest way is to go where it was once good. And the first love, if it was not associated with humiliation, is a very positive feeling, "agrees Boris Masterov.

Newly found love gives many people a feeling of rebirth, as if they have found a recipe for eternal youth

In search of first love, most often those of us who have taken place in different spheres of life go: those who have a family, children, promising work ... What are we missing?

To regain your first love is like throwing decades off your shoulders, feeling young and full of energy again.

Svetlana gave birth to a son at the age of 20, Sergei was her first lover, but he refused to marry and disappeared from her life.

“When my son was supposed to return from the army, I braced myself and called Sergei. We met, and a week later we realized that we could not live without each other. Now we are together. It was as if I returned to my 20 years, lost weight, go in for sports ... I am absolutely happy. I haven’t told my son yet, but I believe that he will understand me. I wish every woman at 40 the same beautiful and strong love as in her youth, she just needs to get over the hurt and learn to be happy in the present. "

Newly found love gives many people a feeling of rebirth, as if they have found a recipe for eternal youth.

Female interest

Why do women more often go in search of their first love? Dreams allow them to distance themselves from the daily routine of everyday life, where day after day they need to play the role of a good wife and caring mother. They often dream of their first adult relationship, which was not yet burdened with adult responsibilities.

“It is important for a woman to feel that there is something constant in her life, which does not change with age, which can be experienced and felt again,” says Olga Dolgopolova. "But if a woman constantly thinks about the past and strives to live in memories, this suggests that she is afraid to look ahead and avoids reality."

Anton Lazarev

Find a starting point

For each of us, the first love experience is one of the most important events in life. This is the end of childhood, the first departure from the family circle, a step into adulthood.

“First love, first meeting - this event changes every person,” says Boris Masterov. - We feel that we are no longer the same as they were before. To some extent, this is a choice and a test of one's path. Indeed, to one degree or another, all subsequent love relationships develop in accordance with the first love. "

Alexander, 38, married a woman who once had an affair with a foreign student. The couple broke up: he went home, and she did not dare to radically change her life.

“Milena tells me about this story as something experienced, but I see that in fact the plot is not finished. I don't want my wife to forget her first love - it seems to me that that feeling gives new light and warmth to our relationship. I’m even sure: if not for this novel, she would not have chosen me. ”

“The way we relate to each other, how we touch, how we make love, what we say — all this is somehow connected with the experience of first love,” explains Boris Masterov. "We either take this model of relationships and partially reproduce in the next love experiences, or we start from it, build something completely opposite to the unsuccessful experience."

The road to renewal

Sometimes meeting your first lover can be frustrating.

“It is like the feeling we experience when we return to the city or neighborhood where we spent our youth. Once there, you suddenly notice how different reality is from the image that has been preserved in our memory, - says Alexander Badchen. “It can still be the one and only, but it takes up less space in the soul than before.”

Even if we again face something that once repulsed us, this experience will still be useful.

This is confirmed by 39-year-old Evgenia: “It was enough for me to hear his 'hello!' - and the world blossomed with new colors. I knew his voice so well. Then we met again ... and the charm was lost. "

43-year-old Ilya says: “I confess, when we met Masha after 20 years of separation, my heart was almost torn to pieces: we still love the same books, films, admire the same people ... But, when I realized that we can start all over again, I realized that for all my "coincidence" with Masha, I really love the woman who gave birth to my children. "

If there is a desire to meet a person with whom all the best and brightest in the past are connected, you need to meet. Even if we again face something that once repulsed us, this experience will still be useful.

“This is how we see the whole person and part with his ideal image,” says Olga Dolgopolova. - But at the same time we have the opportunity to start building new relationships, not necessarily love ones. We can enjoy communicating with each other in real-life circumstances. ”

The experience of seeking and returning is always valuable, even if it is associated with the loss of illusions.

There are memories that stay with us for life. The way we build our families is largely determined by early relationships - with our parents, loved ones.

“There is a psychological 'starting point' in them, - adds Alexander Badchen. - Our first love is the continuation of these relationships, their reconstruction, the first independent attempt to recreate them. This is its special psychological value. This experience remains in the secret place of our soul, accessible to us all our life, and we never lose sight of it. "

The experience of seeking and returning is always valuable, even if it is associated with the loss of illusion. We need him in order to better understand ourselves and live on.

Men prefer new

Men are less inclined to seek their first love, but you should not reproach them for being less sensitive than women.

“Men are more focused on meeting immediate needs,” explains Olga Dolgopolova. - They want to experience emotions, show interest, realize sexuality right away, without postponing. If a man is dreaming about something, then rather not about a relationship, but about social success, career takeoff; his fantasies are in the outside world.

Representatives of the strong half of humanity love the experiences and feelings that a woman evokes in them. In addition, a return to youthful hobby can significantly complicate their life: a man may feel at a disadvantage in relation to the current partner of his beloved. And he doesn't need such rivalry. So men would rather seek new relationships than look back. ”

After graduation, I worked in a design organization. The team is small and friendly. Relationships within the team are warm, trusting. This organization had a sponsored camp site. In the fall, at the end of the "holiday" season, it was necessary to prepare the territory and houses for winter: remove bedding in the warehouse, dig in trees, plant new ones. And who will be sent to this work? Of course, young, single, not burdened with family problems and worries. There were four of us: two guys from the architectural department and we two girls from the instrumentation department. We were told that we would work all day so that they could take food with us and were told the place from where the "service bus" would pick us up.
In the morning, as if to work, we came to the bus stop, but there were men and women unfamiliar to us, not from our organization. We looked at each other in surprise, but there was still no choice. Tamara and I, as my colleague was called, sat on a double seat so that someone else would not sit down with us. When we drove through the city, Tomka and I chatted quietly, and then began to look with curiosity out the window, since the nature was beautiful, the camp site was located in a nature reserve.
The arrivals were greeted by the deputy director of the tourist center for economic affairs and immediately began to explain what we had to do.
"You came for one day, and the volume of work is large. So, I ask you not to phony, but to work with a twinkle."
Tomka and I were sent to collect bedding in the houses and gave us a heavy trolley, like the loaders at the airport, on which we had to take things to the warehouse. an electrician and several men from the landscaping department who were tasked with planting trees.
We went to the first house. We go chatting, we have fun, the fresh air is much better than in stuffy offices. We go in, and some guy is working there, repairing the bedside table. Tomka was 32 years old, I was 22 and we both thought he was so "grown up", maybe because of his mustache and dark skin. We looked at each other, and the uncle says:
"Come in, beauties, don't be afraid, I'm not with you."
We began to collect the linen and roll up the mattresses. We could not cope with the mattresses and, seeing how we were floundering, but we could not roll, the uncle volunteered to help us. He, of course, deftly rolled and tied all six pieces, along with the linen, loaded them onto the cart and said with a grin:
"Well, I hope you can handle it further!"
Uncle, somehow carefully looked at me, his eyes were black, terrible and I felt uneasy. I went outside to the cart. Tomka and I had two piglets: each 150 cm in height and 50 kg in weight. And when I saw a pile of mattresses on a trolley, and it was heavy in itself, we barely took it to the house, I understood the uncle's mocking tone and look. Tomka came out to help me, but the two of us could not even move this damn cart. An uncle appeared at the door of the house. He looked at our attempts, laughed openly, and then says:
"Okay, I'll help again. You, pointing at Tamara, stay to guard the house, and we, pointing at me, will take and hand over to the warehouse."
He again, somehow with a squint, looked at me, winked, which made me embarrassed, as if I had been undressed in public, deftly took the trolley and walked towards the warehouse.
I walked alongside. Suddenly he says to me:
"Who is helping whom? Let's take the cart too."
I took hold of the handle with one hand, but there was no room for the other: the uncle spread his arms wide and only moved his hand a little so that I could take it too. I had not yet had time to really grasp the cart with my hand when the uncle's strong, strong, tanned hand lay on my hand. I was "shocked." I tried to free my hand, but the uncle says with a grin:
"Don't flutter, you won't get out of my hands. I won't do anything bad to you, I just really liked you. I am 38 years old, I was married, but I look at you and everything trembles inside. Stuck on my ears!"
He let go of my hand, I silently walked beside me, my legs braided, everything in my mouth was dry, my body was shackled by animal fear. I was afraid because we had to go to the warehouse, and suddenly there would be no one there. The warehouse doors were open, the uncle brought in a cart and began to unload it. I stood aside. He sometimes glanced at me with his black eyes, in which, as it seemed to me, a hellish fire burned, smiled slyly, winked. When he unloaded and drove past me, he picked me up in his arms, held me for a minute, and then put me down and said:
"Are you still a girl? Your body immediately tensed with fear, it did not yet know man's hands!"
My tears fell and I ran to Tomka. I sat on the bed, told her what happened and I was shaking all over.
Suddenly an uncle enters the house. I looked at him with dismay, with a plea for help to Tomka, and he, quietly, says:
"Tom, please come out, I need to talk to her!"
Tomka got up, but after a little delay replied that she would stand outside the door. If anything, she will not give me offense! Only Tomka disappeared outside the door, the uncle knelt in front of me, took my hands in his and began to kiss them, each finger separately. He looked at me with a hypnotic look, whispered declarations of love to me, kissed my knees. Even though I was wearing tight tracksuit pants, I could feel the touch of his hot lips, and I was chilling. And when I saw that his gaze was somehow clouded, I abruptly pushed him away with my feet and ran out of the house. She quickly answered Tomkin with a questioning look that everything was fine, and we hurried to leave with her.
We no longer wanted to work in the houses, but went to help plant trees. At the end of the working day, a bus came for us. Tomka and I sat down in our seats and calmed down, but suddenly an uncle entered the bus and, going up to Tomka, asked her to change seats. He sat down very close to me, so that I felt, through trousers, the warmth of his legs. I got cold again. He acted so strangely on me: I lost my will, like a rabbit before a boa constrictor. Probably the age difference, 16 years, and his life experiences overwhelmed me. He began to ask for my phone number, said that now he would not be able to live in peace, again talked about his feelings for me. I didn’t listen to him or hear him, I just wanted to come home as soon as possible and forget this day like a nightmare.
20 years have passed. I became an adult, married, confident woman. I already calmly reacted to men's views, their compliments. She could calmly joke with them, sometimes flirt. I knew my worth: I was a self-sufficient, successful woman. By that time, I held a leadership position, participated in meetings, which were mostly men, and I felt quite comfortable in their company. Leaders from other departments were invited to one of the construction meetings. As I entered the meeting room, I noticed a man who had not been invited before. And it was the same guy!
He stood out from the crowd. Time did not change him much: the same mustache, dark complexion, the same burning gaze and the same confidence in posture and manner of speaking. What scared me at 22, now I liked it, and I did not feel the age difference. He saw me too and immediately went to me. The first thing he said was not hello, but: “How I would squeeze you in about“ yatias! I love you all these years! ”Inside, I again got a chill, as then, but now I already knew how to cope with feelings And now I screwed up a sly look and said: “Have you really lived in a monastery for all 20 years?” This is what age and experience mean, I thought, I can now talk to him on equal terms! His eyes still hypnotized me, but this is already I was not afraid, I knew how to read a man's eyes, I knew what this or that look means! How good it is to be experienced and adult, I thought!
After the meeting we went to my office. As soon as the door was closed, he impulsively hugged me, pressed his lips to my cheek and suddenly said:
"I remember that your body, petrified in my hands with fear, and now: you have become a woman: beautiful, intelligent, confident! Your body says that you are happy, calm, satisfied! You know what it is to love and be loved ! "
"Yes, that's how it is!
I pulled away, we sat down opposite each other and just talked. Suddenly he says:
"I'm finishing building my bathhouse and want to invite you to the opening. Please, respect me! If you don't want to, nothing will happen! I just want to be with you, admire you, breathe in the smell of your hair, I want to look into your eyes and kiss yours fingers, like then! This is my last wish, do not forget that I am much older than you! Reward me for love all these 20 years! "
Knowing that I would certainly not go to any bathhouse, I am a decent married woman, I decided to joke and say:
"Oh, I was not! Finish the construction and invite! Considering your, and my age, why should we be afraid!"
He took my joke seriously and went, apparently, to finish building. A couple of months have passed and suddenly he calls and "with regret" reports that the bathhouse has burned down. I decided to check the boiler, something shorted, there was no fire and no baths! I laughed openly into the phone and said:
"Well, it's not destiny for us to sin, but I was already in the mood!"
Men, with age, take a woman's words literally. He replied:
"Don't worry, I'll build a new one! I'll move mountains for you!"
"Yes, you can build something, but would I want to" wash "then?
He felt guilty that the date had been canceled. True, he called often, but he did not invite me to the bath. Apparently I realized that I was joking.