Humorous sayings. Cool wise sayings. Women's funny sayings

The collective farm is voluntary. If you want - join, if you don't want - give the cow back.

What is your cat's name?
- Day or night?

Everyone praises French cuisine. I was recently in Paris, went to one of the restaurants, tried it. Nothing special! McDonald's like McDonald's...

Man, from the point of view of the monkey, is what labor can bring to.

Some people crush us with their intellect, others with their lack of it.

Sometimes when you reach your ceiling, you sadly realize that it's just someone's gender.

Unsuccessful searches for UFOs prove that no one wants to mess with people like us.

If you don't know, shut up! You know - shut up!

Do not trust Russian puddles - this could be the entrance to the subway.

In this world of lies and hypocrisy, it's already so hard to deceive anyone...

Fat women are good in winter for warmth, and in summer for shade.

How little a person needs to be happy and how much to understand it.

Not everyone liked Jesus Christ, let alone me…

Psychiatry is aerobatics - you pay to complain about yourself.

There are many advantages to marriage, but you need to get used to them.

My friend, remember that silence is good, safe and beautiful.

Acute intellectual disability.

If you don’t get married before the age of 20, then it’s already too early

Everything men do is done for women. And only idleness - for yourself!

Life took a sharp turn for the better, and many were thrown overboard.

How bad he is in bed, a man will know when he runs out of money.

If the interlocutor finds it difficult to answer, then you have put the question correctly!

Only 2 months until summer, and the bone is still wide.

Well, what do you want from a country where a person who smiles a lot is considered strange?

If you go to bed in the evening in shoes, then in the morning your head will hurt

An expert is a person who has made more mistakes than you.

Decree: collective farm "Lenin way" rename to "God works in mysterious ways".

Men's cunning compared to women's - so, amateur art.

Do you remember the first deception in your life?
- A dummy pacifier!

In each of us, the genius is sleeping and the idiot is awake.

Men first conquer women, and then they cannot take time off for a walk with friends.

One hypnotist once tried to hypnotize me - but nothing came of it!
I now gloatingly remind him of this every time I come on Wednesdays to wash his car ...

Nothing ruins a target like a hit.

It is impossible to imagine our life without laughter and smiles, without humor and fun. Therefore, from time to time, each of us needs to move away from everyday worries, relax and have at least a little fun. Cool phrases and funny sayings are a sure and wonderful tool for quickly raising a good mood. Cool phrases and statuses are very popular because they describe the exciting moments in the lives of many people in a humorous way. They will help you impress your interlocutors with wit, as well as cheer up friends, colleagues, a bored company or guests at a festive party. Cool expressions can also come in handy to “defuse” a tense situation or in awkward situations when you need to correct your oversight.
There are many wonderful funny phrases and expressions. I tried to select the best, funniest "phrases" that, in my opinion, deserve the most attention. Read on and let no one be left without a smile!

My character, of course, is not sugar, but I was not created for that, to add me to tea!
If I ever die because of a man, it will only be from laughter.
I am neither good nor bad. I'm kind in an evil stripe!
I only have one life and I can't afford to be unhappy!
I thought I was special, but it turned out - the best ...
It is not enough to know your own worth - you still need to be in demand.
What is, you can’t put it back !!!
So what if the wind is in your head, but thoughts are always fresh ...
Where have you seen a cat who cares what mice say about her?
If you spit on my back, then I'm ahead of you!
Don't tell me what to do and I won't tell you where to go!
If you want me to be an angel, organize heaven for me!
My life my rules. If you don't like my rules, stay out of my life.
She has not been seen in vicious relationships ... Was it not? No... Not noticed!
You need to live in such a way that others have depression!
When will they learn how to conduct light into women's handbags ?! Really needed!!!
We are strong women: we will take out the garbage, and the brain, if necessary!
Lose weight on three diets! (I don't eat two...)
He eats - I cook, he wears - I wash, he scatters - I clean. And what would I do without him...
Women's folk fun: she came up with it herself, she was offended.
I am like champagne: I can be playful, but I can give it to my head ...
I so want to be a weak woman, but, as luck would have it, either the horses are galloping, or the huts are burning ...
Sometimes my husband shakes from me ... Still, I am an amazing woman !!!
Girls are standing, standing aside, pulling handkerchiefs in their hands ... Because for ten girls, according to statistics: 1 blue, 4 alcoholics, 2 divorced, 2 drug addicts and 1 normal, but he is married ...
What is the difference between fake love and real love? Fake: "I like snowflakes in your hair!" Real: "Fool, why without a hat?"
If a woman has sparkles in her eyes, then the cockroaches in her head are celebrating something.
How to make a girl crazy?
“Give her a lot of money and close all the shops!”
Men, let's wash, clean, cook, iron ...., and we want you!
I so want to cuddle up to someone, put my lips to my ear and whisper ...: “Give me money!”
Sometimes I open the closet, look in it for a long time and realize that I keep two-thirds of my clothes in case I go crazy.
Classic women's wardrobe: Nothing to wear. Nowhere to hang. It’s a pity to throw it away ... And there is also a department “Suddenly I lose weight” ...
You need to smile so wide that problems stumble over a smile!
An optimist is a person who, even falling face down in the mud, is sure that it is healing!
Girls, who there wanted to lose weight by spring?
This morning, while I was painting, I fainted 5 times from my beauty ...
I used to live alone and all my things were lying around in their places, but now I'm married and all things are neat and beautiful, no one knows where ...
I want fate to take me by the hair and right in the face - in happiness, in happiness, in happiness.
A woman should be loved, happy, beautiful! And she doesn't owe anyone anything!
The smartest plant is horseradish: he knows everything ...
Now I live only according to this principle: whoever wants - will come, whoever needs it - will call, whoever is bored - will find it! And to whom - In figs, those - In figs!
All men are bastards! All they need is just one! But why, why not from me-I-I?!
I would send you, but I see you and so from there!
Women are not interested in rags only if these rags are men.
If you think that life is beautiful, then antidepressants are chosen correctly.
If there are nails on the feet, then hands should be on the hands, and animals generally have bast shoes!
There is nothing better in the world than creaking a bed until dawn!
Judging by how life is fucking me, I'm fucking sexy!
Robbers demand a purse or life, women - both.
Never do evil out of spite! Bad things must come from the heart!
The smarter a woman is, the more refined and diverse she takes out the brain of her man!
Any dirty tricks can be used properly, if there is a desire ...
Queens never get upset. When they are sad, they just execute someone...
The weaker sex is stronger than the strong one due to the weakness of the stronger sex to the weaker one.
Long live split personality - the shortest path to peace of mind!
Spring is late for us, summer is delayed ... And autumn, you bastard, is punctual!
I'm a woman - I have evil as standard!
Don't want to be nice? - Get rid of the Vaseline!
I am a creative woman. I want - I create, I want - I create ...
With a teaspoon in my pocket, with a bald cactus in my hand, I’m going to frighten the old woman that lives in the attic, I’ll poke him with a spoon, I’ll order him to sit on the cactus ... I’m a little stupid - I have a certificate! ..
Vasilisa was a sorceress ... Waving his right sleeve - a lake ... Waving his left - swans ... Waving another 200 grams - and the hallucinations are more complicated ...
Happiness is when you have a doctor, a cop, a lawyer and a killer among your friends. Life just gets easier...
There are people, like a drug - you know that it is impossible, but it pulls. And there are people like a cake - sweet, tasty, but sick ...
I want to, like a bear: to eat up in the summer, and hibernate in the winter. And she lost weight, and slept, and did not see frost!
Grandfather Frost, I behaved well for a whole year ... and now can I beat someone ???
Caught a goldfish. She listened to me very carefully and said: “Fry!”
And they take me away, and they take me away, into a colorful ringing crap, three white horses, two red elephants, a penguin, a hippopotamus and a deer.
That which does not kill us, then regrets it very much.
I am air. Don't try to hold on. Breathe while I let you breathe...
My beloved said to me: “You are evil in the flesh!” Well, I'll implement it. I'm very obedient. And if for some reason he needs it, then how can I get past the request!
I'm a very good cook... I can hang noodles... Brew porridge... Add oil... In general, I'm a smart sorceress.
"Baby, I love you!" - excellent status! And all the suns are pleased, and you will not sleep ...
- Treat the girl carefully, like a Christmas tree.
- Cut down and take home?
- Strangers make remarks to my child! How to react?
- Teach your child a magic spell: "My mother teaches me that not every value judgment should serve as a behavior modifier." When pronounced with clear diction and confidently benevolent intonation, it acts similarly to the spell: "Petrify!". And more reliable. Although not for long. But without dangerous side effects.
You begin to understand that everything is really bad when a person cries, who usually calms everyone ...
As my grandmother used to say, it's better to shoot, reload and shoot again than to shine a flashlight and ask "who's there?"
In any situation, say "everything is going according to plan" - you never know what kind of fucked up plan you have.
Sometimes it becomes so cool from the fact that it has become so in fig what was once so important ...
And I'll leave without noticing the insults.
Chewing a chocolate candy.
And let the evil horse love you,
Not a sun like me.
"Darling, is it true that I'm the only one you have?"
- Yes, what are you talking about today, all agreed, or what !?
A woman, like fire, cannot be left unattended. Or go out, or burn everything to hell !!!
Alcohol does not help to find the answer, it helps to forget the question....
Darling, you insist so much on our relationship with you ... I don’t understand, do you have a nervous system made of reinforced concrete or a lifetime reservation in a madhouse?
Sometimes you think: here it is, happiness! But no, damn, experience again ...
Here you drown a person, and it seems so sad, but then bubbles appear, so good, and the heart rejoices.
It is easy to understand female logic, it is enough to learn how to play billiards with cubes.
It is necessary to find out the relationship only with those with whom you have these relationships. The rest - in figs on the shore of silence, collect shells ...
Happiness is when the previous f*ck has already ended, and the next one has not yet begun.
Cockroaches in the head are still normal. The problem is when a squirrel starts to kick them out ...
A black cat crossing your path means that the animal is going somewhere. Don't complicate!
You need to return to the woman as quickly as possible. So quickly that she does not have time to understand that she is fine without you.
If you love, let go. If he doesn't come back, track him down and kill him.
There are many other people's nerves in the world - there is no need to fray your own!
I bought a chalk from cockroaches! Now it’s quiet and calm in my head ... they sit, draw ...
Here you send someone in a hurry. And in your soul you worry: did you get there? ... didn’t you get there? ...
- Who are you?
- Kind fairy!
- And why with an ax?
- Yes, the mood is not very good ...
I got up on the wrong foot, sat on the wrong broom, and generally flew in the wrong direction ...
Give me wings, otherwise the whole ass is in splinters from the broom!
In general, I love raspberry pies. Of course, they don’t reciprocate, but they don’t behave like bastards either!
- What will you order?
- I, please, nerves, mind, calmness and * zma ... Yes, more * zma, please.
Don't be a jerk - give the person a second chance. Don't be an idiot - never give a third.
Nerves in shock, brains in a trance, and logic generally went and shot itself.
If my mother taught me to be cultured, this does not mean that I do not kick my eye, as my father taught me!
A realist is someone who doesn't care if the glass is half full or half empty. For him, what's in the glass is more important.
No matter what the rake teaches, but the heart believes in miracles ...
It's amazing how some people enjoy romantic rake walks.
If you constantly step on the same rake, then this is a fucking rake!
Smile more often - and the thicket will smile at you!
Yes, I'm not an angel, but flying faster on a broomstick.
Everyone thinks that every girl's dream is to find the perfect guy. No matter how! Our dream is to eat and not get better!
All women are angels, but if their wings are cut off, they begin to fly on a broomstick.
A man should be able to do two things: set fire to huts and scare horses so that his woman has something to do, and not take out his brains.
... and yet it is IMPORTANT that the butterflies in the stomach agree with the cockroaches in the head!
Yesterday, it seemed, I gained my mind-reason ... Today I woke up - but no, I just got it ...
I don’t promise to bring to sin, but I spend ...
No need to offend me, I'm a vulnerable girl, just about - immediately into tears ... And then with tearful eyes it's so hard to understand who was hit with a shovel ...
This morning, such horrors were shown in the mirror ...
I don't drink flowers and sweets!
- Girl, why haven't we met yet?
God bless you, stupid creature...
I am not overweight. He's my spare.
Philologist woman: bright multiple sarcasms on the first date.
While men, being boys, play war games and cars, women, being girls, immediately prepare to manipulate people and play with dolls.
It is better to be a favorite wretch than to be an unnecessary perfection.
Listen to the voice of reason ... Do you hear? Do you hear what the hell he's talking about?
A woman needs a sense of intimacy, trust, and bonding to get into bed with a man. For a man - mainly - a place ...
Squirrels eat snow. What are you doing to end winter?
People who helped the spring and ate the snow, why else did you gobble up the asphalt?
The glass blower accidentally sneezed at work and created a new vase for the Ikea store.
If things don't go the way you want - it's not your business, let them pass by.
Can't relieve stress? Don't dress up!!!
It is wrong to say "toad strangles." It should be like this: “amphibiotropic asphyxia happened to me”
Macaque koala in cocoa macala. Koala cocoa lazily lapped ...
Squirrels in spats in the bowels of the tundra dig cedar kernels. In the bowels of the tundra, otters in spats are digging cedar kernels in buckets! Having torn the gaiters from the otter in the tundra, wipe the otter kernels of cedar, wipe the muzzle of the otter with the gaiter - the kernels into buckets, the otter into the tundra.
After washing the leggings in the swamp, putting the cores in buckets, the otters with squirrels in an embrace quietly finish the jar ... Finishing the moonshine, the otters danced a jig, the squirrels tried on the leggings, muttering that they had seen a worse holiday in the tundra.
I speak English with a dictionary, so far I am shy with people ...
Sliding under the table, do not forget to politely say goodbye to the guests.
There is a genius in each of us. And every day it gets stronger and stronger...
I do not know what you are taking from the head, but it obviously does not help you!
Sorry, I'm saying when you interrupt…
A beautiful woman pleases the male gaze, an ugly woman pleases the female!
There are no perpetual motion machines in the world, but there are plenty of perpetual brakes!
Take care of the Motherland! Vacation abroad!
I am constantly haunted by smart thoughts, but I find myself faster ...
Everyone is spoiled to the best of their ability.
If a gentleman says to a lady "I understand you perfectly", he means "You are talking twice as much as necessary"!
If it is right to leave your husband, then he will definitely return ... like a boomerang.
If you want to bring a person to sclerosis, give him a loan.
Looking at how some accumulate good, others begin to accumulate evil.
There are so many interesting things in this life and so few people who are interested.
If you want to marry smart, beautiful and rich, marry three times.
Sclerosis cannot be cured, but you can forget about it.
If you cannot be a star in the sky, at least become a lamp in the house.
A man, even if he could understand what a woman thinks, he still would not believe.
The best way to organize a panic is to ask everyone to remain calm.
Everyone wants to have a good time, but you can't.
Tell me I'm wrong and I'll tell you who you are.
What a pity that you are finally leaving! ..
Lost conscience. I ask the finder not to worry and keep it for yourself.

The real trick is to learn from the mistakes of people who followed your advice.

Life is a game. Badly conceived, but the graphics are awesome.

If you want to know the depth of a person's soul, then spit in his soul and count until you get hit in the face.

A trifle, but nice. And if it's nice, then it's not a trifle.

A real man never cries. But he whines for any reason.

How to make a person feel good? Make it bad, and then just as it was.

A woman's phrase - "I don't want to talk to you" - does not mean at all that she will not talk. It just means she won't listen to you.

A blow of fate on the forehead means that her kicks in the ass had no effect.

If two people completely agree with each other, then one of them can be dispensed with.

The more knowledge a person has, the more useful he gives advice, and the less, the more often.

Not everyone is looking for brothers in mind, half are looking for sisters out of stupidity.

The one who finds the exit is trampled first.

I quarreled with my husband, sent him to sleep on the sofa ... I think I’ll take him a pillow at least ... I sneak ... I bent over him to quietly slip it, and he wakes up and how he screams: “SORRY ... SORRY ... JUST DO NOT SOUL !!!"

The best friend is a cat. He will never say: "Why do you eat at night?" He will eat with you!

In ancient Russia there was no word "orgasm" so the girls experienced marvelously marvelous and miraculously wonderful ...

When I carry some kind of zhrachka from the kitchen to my room, I will open the doors with my ear, the plates are clamped on my head, in my legs, tea is under my arm, but I won’t go twice, nooo!!!

- You attacked the wrong one! the boy in braces shouted to the bitten dog.

- Let's get married!?
- Why?
- Everyone is freaking out.
- Let's.

A monkey that knows how to set the camera on a timer works for itself.

If luck has turned its back on you, do not be discouraged - settle down.

Generals don't run. Because in peacetime it causes laughter, and in wartime it causes panic.

The wife is an amazing person. She finds things where they REALLY weren't there when I was looking!

Sometimes it seems to me that the awl in the ass is my inner core.

Petya, having paid 6,000 rubles for a Thai massage, felt the trick already after the words "Rails, rails, sleepers, sleepers."

The little boy loved sweets.
In the bakery opposite, he bought a cake.
Dad just brought the lid of the cake, -
All that he grabbed from under the wheels.