About communication at work

Communication with a colleague as such. You didn't write if this man is married or not. If he is married, then a close personal relationship with this person should be ended, because there can be no personal communication between an unmarried girl and a married man, since on a subtle level on his part this is infidelity to his wife. When a man and a woman communicate on personal topics, a certain closeness arises between them, in this case, you need to distance yourself from this person and communicate with him only at work.

If this person is not married, then it is worth making out what motive is behind his rude behavior. Perhaps he likes you as a woman. But since you were in a relationship with another man, it made him jealous. This option is possible, so take a closer look and try to understand if this is so.

About personal boundaries and self-esteem

In any difficult situation, it is important to ask yourself the question: why do I need this situation? what lesson am I going through? The answer is this. You need to explore the topic of personal boundaries and develop a sense of self-worth. When any person, whether at work or at home, violates your boundaries, humiliates or insults you, you should not persuade him not to do this, do not ask, do not beg, but go to an emotional distance.

To say in one phrase that you are hurting now, you are not ready to communicate in this way and you need to stay at a distance. And for one or two days, you and your colleague communicate only about work and do not say anything about yourself personally. Only this teaches a person.

It is important for yourself to understand that two people are involved in a relationship. There is the responsibility of the first for what he does, how he behaves (in this case, insults, behaves rudely), and there is the responsibility of the second (you) for how he reacts to this. If you react with tears, support his line of behavior, communicate as if nothing had happened, if you tell him, but still then accept his conditions, then nothing will change for the better. People understand the actions and firmness of our character. You need to learn not to allow this behavior towards yourself.

On the online training project, we deeply and in detail analyze this topic at the training "Confident, happy, beloved": the degree of withdrawal, how and why to do it, what stages to go through. If you have a desire to understand this topic deeper, come to our training. In general, you can search for information on this topic on the Internet, it is also quite a lot.

I wish you worthy to pass your life lessons. Let everything work out for you!

Gilmanova Roza Salihzyanovna(08/08/2012 at 13:56:57)

Good day! First, you need to calm down. Because in such a state, it is really difficult to properly fulfill one's duties. Secondly, if you perform your job duties properly, there are no grounds for your dismissal. See what you say about the duties in and job description? There must be good reason for dismissal. Read the grounds for termination of the labor contract at the initiative of the employer. Article 81 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation. The employment contract may be terminated by the employer in the following cases: 1) liquidation of the organization or termination of activity by an individual entrepreneur; 2) reduction in the number or staff of employees of the organization, individual entrepreneur; 3) inconsistency of the employee with the position held or the work performed due to insufficient qualifications, confirmed by the results of certification; 4) change of the owner of the property of the organization (in relation to the head of the organization, his deputies and the chief accountant); 5) repeated non-performance by an employee without good reason of labor duties, if he has a disciplinary sanction; 6) a single gross violation of labor duties by an employee: a) absenteeism, that is, absence from the workplace without good reason throughout the working day (shift), regardless of its (her) duration, as well as in case of absence from the workplace without good reason more than four consecutive hours during a working day (shift); b) the appearance of an employee at work (at his workplace or on the territory of the organization - the employer or the facility where, on behalf of the employer, the employee must perform a labor function) in a state of alcoholic, narcotic or other toxic intoxication; c) disclosure of legally protected secrets (state, commercial, official and other), which became known to the employee in connection with the performance of his labor duties, including the disclosure of personal data of another employee; d) committing at the place of work theft (including small) of another's property, embezzlement, its deliberate destruction or damage, established by a court verdict that has entered into legal force or, a body, an official authorized to consider cases of; e) a violation by an employee of labor protection requirements established by the commission for labor protection or the commissioner for labor protection, if this violation entailed serious consequences (accident at work, accident, catastrophe) or knowingly created a real threat of such consequences; 7) the commission of guilty actions by an employee directly serving monetary or commodity values, if these actions give rise to a loss of confidence in him on the part of the employer; 8) commission by an employee performing educational functions of an immoral offense incompatible with the continuation of this work; 9) making an unreasonable decision by the head of the organization (branch, representative office), his deputies and the chief accountant, which entailed a violation of the safety of property, its unlawful use or other damage to the property of the organization; 10) a single gross violation by the head of the organization (branch, representative office), his deputies of their labor duties; 11) submission by the employee to the employer of false documents when concluding an employment contract; 12) is no longer valid. - dated 30.06.2006 N 90-FZ; 13) provided for by the employment contract with the head of the organization, members of the collegial executive body of the organization; 14) in other cases established by this Code and other federal laws. The procedure for conducting attestation (clause 3 of part one of this article) is also established by other regulatory legal acts containing norms, local regulations adopted taking into account the opinion of the representative body of employees. Thirdly, are there any witnesses to your conversations? Will they be able, if necessary, to take your side, to confirm your words? Fourth, never let yourself be intimidated. In which case, immediately contact the state labor inspectorate, the prosecutor's office or the court, depending on the situation. By the way, it is possible that what you describe falls under the signs of an act under Article 136 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation. Article 136 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation. Violation of equality of rights and freedoms of man and citizen. Discrimination, that is, violation of the rights, freedoms and legitimate interests of a person and a citizen, depending on his gender, race, nationality, language, origin, property and official status, place of residence, attitude to religion, beliefs, membership in public associations or any to social groups, committed by a person using his official position, - five years, or by compulsory labor for a term of up to four hundred and eighty hours, or by corrective labor for a term of up to two years, or by compulsory labor for a term of up to five years, or by deprivation of liberty for the same term. COMMENTARY TO THE CRIMINAL CODE OF THE RUSSIAN FEDERATION. Seventh edition, revised and enlarged. Executive Editor Honored Worker of Science of the Russian Federation, Doctor of Law, Professor A.I. RAROG. 1. Article 136 of the Criminal Code establishes the criminal law protection of the inalienable human right to equality with other people, guaranteed by Art. 19 of the Constitution of the Russian Federation. According to the Constitution of the Russian Federation (Chapter 2), as well as the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, the subjects of constitutional rights and freedoms are not only citizens of the Russian Federation, but people in general, regardless of their belonging to the citizenship of another state. 2. Discrimination of a person (or group of people) - intentional infringement of the rights and freedoms of one (some) in comparison with another (others). The grounds for discrimination are the circumstances specified in Part 1 of Art. 136 of the Criminal Code. Part 2 of Art. 19 of the Constitution of the Russian Federation guarantees the equality of people, regardless of other circumstances. Because of this, Art. 136 of the Criminal Code should not be limited to the circumstances specified in Part 1 of this article. Discrimination can be expressed both in action and inaction: in the failure to perform duties by persons on whom the realization of rights belonging to a person and his legitimate interests depends, obstruction of the exercise of rights, infringement of legitimate interests, including the provision of advantages to other persons due to infringement of rights and the legitimate interests of the victim (Part 3, Article 17 of the Constitution of the Russian Federation), as well as in the deliberate commission of other actions that in any form restrict human rights on the basis of social, racial, national, linguistic or religious affiliation. Differences in the scope and content of the exercised constitutional rights of individuals cannot be considered as a fact of discrimination in the absence of signs of intentional infringement of the rights of one (some) in comparison with the other (others). 3. The crime is completed from the moment of commission of this act. The consequence of the violation of equality may be the infringement of housing, labor, property, personal and public interests protected by criminal law. For example, a person’s right to safe working conditions may be violated on the basis of discrimination, freedom to choose a profession, remuneration for work, etc. may be restricted. 4. Violation of equality is only such infringement of the rights and legitimate interests of a person, which is committed on the grounds of discrimination. According to Art. 136 of the Criminal Code, actions (inaction) committed, for example, out of selfish or other personal interest, cannot be qualified. This crime can only be committed with direct intent. 5. The subject of this crime is a person who has reached the age of 16. 6. A qualifying sign provided for in Part 2 of Art. 136 of the Criminal Code, - use of one's official position. This sign determines the way of violation of equality and does not depend on the characteristics of the subject of this crime (for example, the signs of an official). In the event that an official uses his official position for reasons of discrimination, his deeds are qualified under the totality of articles of the Criminal Code (for example, art. 136 and 286). Good luck to you!

What to do if your boss endlessly yells at you, pours insults, and at the same time there is no opportunity to leave work? How to establish a relationship with management that is comfortable for work?

A question on this topic came to our editorial mail. "I recently had an unpleasant incident with my superiors, and I realized that I was not psychologically prepared for this. I would like to read practical advice - what to do in a situation if your boss is boorish or mocks you using his official position? How can I protect myself?"

This state of affairs is by no means uncommon. "Even if you've been eaten, you still have two choices," says the old joke. By following very simple tips, you can learn how to change the aggressor-victim scenario into a healthier interaction.

Inner distance

Feelings of resentment and humiliation arise when the boss sees that you can be hurt. There is a category of people who enjoy the illusion of power and the ability to influence the mood of others.

In this case, you need to work out two lines of behavior:

1.Your attitude. A person can only offend you if you allow him to do so. If a crazy homeless man yells at you on the street, will you take it to heart? You will think: "why did he say that"? Is it because of your appearance? Is it because I look like a person who can be offended?" No, you just walk by.

Also in relationships at work, if you understand that there is a person next to you who provokes you out of boredom or weakness of mind and character - pass by. Not literally, but internally. Until you can find another job.

There is a simple truth: to become a victim, you must admit that you are influenced. In order to avoid this status - the next item.

2. Your reactions. Of course, a person is not a robot, so it is not always possible to abstract from the inside. There is a possibility that the boorish boss likes to bring to tears. Then his main goal will be your reaction. He will literally hunt for her. Your task is not to give any emotion, except for calmness and equanimity.

There are simple techniques to abstract and not react:

- "Glass". You imagine that you and the other person are separated by a wall of soundproof glass. You see the emotions of the other and understand what he is saying to you, but his words cannot hurt you.

- "Small child". In order not to get involved in a skirmish and not react to insults, you can imagine what kind of child your boss was. Try to see him as a small kid, offended by the whole world, who screams at you from impotence: he is not dangerous, and you can only sympathize with him.

- "Stupid look." This method of devaluing imagination is effective if there is no strength to maintain neutrality, and the boss does not cause any feelings other than negative ones. Imagine something funny on the head or body of a person who deliberately insults you: a jester's hat, a bucket of garbage, a colander ... This will not make you a better person and will not solve the problem, but it will allow you to temporarily abstract until you learn to hold inner distance.

- "The strategy of the gray stone." It is used in cases of work with psychopaths and inadequate personalities. Extreme measure. You pretend to be a completely uninteresting person, answering questions in a boring and ordinary way. Psychopaths hate boredom. The less interesting you are, the less I want to touch you. You do not give a reaction, there is nothing in your life that he could delve into. Such a corpse. No wonder animals pretend to be dead - this is the best way to protect yourself from being eaten.

Establishing equal relations

There is another type of people who behave aggressively and impulsively, but they do not need your emotions directly, they tend to classify people into categories: "worthy and weak." They insult you because they think you are "lower" than they are. This can be expressed in a commanding tone, harsh and negatively colored appeal. In such a case, the most important thing is to answer immediately, firmly and without hesitation: "Do I have the right?". No aggression in response, but the boundary must be respected.

If you are being raised, insulted, or humiliated, don't be afraid to say, "I won't talk to you when you raise your voice at me." This banal phrase, uttered firmly and calmly, has a magical effect and puts you in a stupor, especially if you have been "led" to provocations before. A minimum of emotions on the face, a maximum of static in the pose and look.

The first time you try this, it is quite possible that it will cause a tantrum in the boss. He will be shocked by the new strategy and then he will take it: either threaten, squeezing out the usual reaction, or, if he is more or less intellectually gifted, the new strategy will grit his teeth.

In the first case, go back to the first techniques until he is no longer interested in torturing you. In the second, a cold but safe relationship of interaction will be established. Your task is not to make friends, but to find a way to work without "vampirism".

What if the boss clings for any reason, but cannot fire, because there is no formal reason and the Labor Code does not allow? Does it make sense to try to build a relationship?

Boss-tyrant and aggressor - a big failure. His nit-picking, "attacks" can poison existence and even lead to a nervous breakdown. What to do - try to build relationships with superiors or look for another job?

Where to begin

So, the boss finds fault with you, he just got you - rudely, but you can’t say otherwise. Every day you find yourself not wanting to go to work because you are afraid of his boss's growl, nagging and accusations of professional unsuitability. I would like, as in my distant childhood, to hide in a corner and categorically declare: "I will not go there again." Maybe don't go? This is where we'll start. It is important to understand whether to leave this job or try to build a relationship with the boss. Of course, the first option is easier. If you are not a fighter by nature and are used to taking the path of least resistance, it probably makes sense to choose it. Based on everyday considerations, it is unlikely that the bomb falls a second time into the same funnel, in other words, the likelihood of encountering a tyrant and a petty tyrant at a new job is small.

If you are not looking for easy ways and give up, giving in to difficulties is not in your habits, fight. Better embed the strategy and act.

First, think about what is fair in his nit-picking and what is not. At the same time, be honest with yourself. Maybe he is punctual, like clockwork, and you are late every day? Or is he neat and pedantic, and your appearance infuriates him? Think about what nitpicks are fair and try to eliminate the reason.

How to improve relations with superiors? To do this, first of all, you need to understand what type he belongs to, that is, to call on the help of the psychology of communication.

What to do if the boss is a hysteric?

There is such a type of bosses - there are especially many of them among women - who can only be called hysterics. They themselves are constantly in a state of psychological stress and break down on their subordinates. At the same time, with strangers, say, employees of other departments, and their own bosses, they are nice and friendly. These "hyenas in syrup", of course, need the help of a specialist. But how are you? You are not a doctor, after all.

If you are firmly convinced that your tyrant is just one of these hysterical types, then choose tactics that can conditionally be called tank tactics. Remain extremely calm, in no case, under any circumstances, do not break into a cry. If you know for sure that the accusations of unsuitability are untenable and you are really a high-level specialist, object with reason. If he wants to shove his "jamb" on you, do not hesitate to show that he is to blame, not you. And one more piece of advice - enlist the support of the team and - which is very important - the higher authorities. You shouldn’t take it as trickery, snitching, etc. You have long grown out of kindergarten age, and appealing to the leadership in this case is not at all like a complaint to a teacher about a classmate who took your typewriter from you.

Remember - hysterical bosses are afraid of those who can resist them. Most likely, he will leave you alone if he understands that he cannot break you. If he feels weak, he will sit on your neck and never stop picking on you.

What to do if the boss is a tyrant?

The next type is the tyrant boss. He differs from the hysterical in that he behaves aggressively with everyone - both his own and others. In addition, his aggression is caused just not by self-doubt, like a hysteric, but by a sense of his own superiority. As a rule, this is a man who revels in power over people and occupies a fairly high position - a top manager, general director, owner of the company. He is sure that everyone around is fools, and communication with people much more stupid than him is nothing but a lifelong divine punishment. Again, let us turn to the psychology of communication. In dealing with a petty tyrant, it is very important to behave correctly from the very beginning. The fact is that he, like every person who does not control himself, has a separate stereotype of behavior for everyone. If you immediately make it clear that you cannot be yelled at and stomped on, then at least you will not become a whipping boy. This task is not easy, but if you cope with it, then 50 percent of success is in your pocket. Use a variety of behavioral techniques. For example, before you appear before his bossy eyes, inspire yourself that he is the same person as you. That he is just your boss and why would you let him humiliate you! Or try imagining him sitting on a chamber pot wearing homemade bunny slippers. Represented? Funny? This funny man dares to raise his voice at you? That's it! Just try not to laugh out loud.

What to do if the boss is a nitpick?

This type of bad boss, at first glance, is more harmless than the previous two. Just think - the boss finds fault!

But in fact, nitpicking with its petty, but incessant remarks can drive even an employee with an angelic character to a frenzy. It is the nitpick who keeps track of when you come to work and whether you are late, God forbid, for three minutes. It is he who marks the time when you leave for dinner. And if late in the evening on weekdays or early in the morning on weekends your phone rang - do not hesitate, it is he, your boss. Calling to get confirmation right now that the earth is a sphere or that the Volga flows into the Caspian Sea. There are options, but the essence of this does not change. He will look for small flaws in your work and demonstrate each one to everyone around him, including high authorities.

What to do with him? Re-educate. It is with a quibble that a direct path is possible, without intrigues and ingenious approaches. Just look him firmly in the eye (that's what wild animal trainers do), ask him what it is that he doesn't like about your job, and ask him to discuss your shortcomings with you, and not with everyone else. As for calls and other troubles that poison your life, everything is simple. Don't pick up the phone, don't be late, and come back from lunch on time. He'll get bored and - you'll see - he'll leave you alone.

Of course, you are unlikely to succeed in re-educating and taming the boss. But you can certainly establish relations with him and make your life easier. And let his household members deal with his re-education - the boss’s bad character and poor upbringing will cease to be your problems if he stops finding fault with you and lets you work quietly.