We turn on charm according to the methods of the special services. Jack the best man turns on the charm according to the secret services method

19.04.2024 Analyzes

Jack Schafer, Marvin Karlins

The Like Switch:

An Ex-FBI Agent's Guide to Influencing, Attracting, and Winning People Over

Published with permission from Touchstone, a Division of Simon & Schuster, Inc. and literary agency Andrew Nurnberg

Legal support for the publishing house is provided by the Vegas-Lex law firm.

This book is well complemented by:

Robert Cialdini, Steve Martin and Noah Goldstein

Paul McGee

Susan Weinschenk

Mark Goulston and John Ullman

Mark Goulston

To my wife Helen, gifted with love, strength of character and, moreover, patience, which allowed her to put up with my eccentricities during the thirty years of our marriage.

Jack Schafer

To my wife Edith and daughter Amber. Thank you for being you, for what you have achieved, for the love that has enriched the lives of so many people.

Marvin Carlins

Introduction

How to gain favor with yourself

No one would have thought to decipher the abbreviation FBI as the Federal Bureau of Cordiality. I worked for this organization for twenty years as an agent specializing in behavioral analysis, and during these years I developed the ability to quickly assess people, understand their characters and develop a strategy for dealing with them. My job was to convince people to cooperate with the FBI against their home country, or to identify criminals and get them to confess, sometimes without uttering a single word. As a behavioral analyst, I developed a strategy to recruit spies and make friends out of sworn enemies. In other words, I acquired skills and created techniques that turned enemies of the United States of America into friends and willing spies for my country. In short, my task was to win people's sympathy.

The case of Vladimir (I changed the names and personal characteristics of the people mentioned in the book and sometimes created a character from several to make the examples more clear) perfectly shows what the essence of the matter is. Vladimir arrived in the United States illegally for the purpose of espionage. He was caught trying to steal classified documents from the Ministry of Defense. As an FBI Special Agent, I was assigned to work with him. At the first interrogation, he stated that he would not talk to me under any circumstances. In order to overcome the resistance of the arrested person, I began by simply sitting opposite him during interrogations and starting to read the newspaper. I would read for quite a long time, then fold up the newspaper, put it on the table and, without saying a word, leave the office. Day after day, week after week, I came for interrogation, read the newspaper, left it on the table and left, and Vladimir sat opposite with an indifferent look, handcuffed to the table.

For the next month we talked about everything except spying. Then, one fine day, Vladimir suddenly said: “I’m ready to talk about what I was doing.” He began to express his thoughts freely and frankly, not because he was forced to do so, but because he liked me and began to consider me his friend.

The interrogation technique I used with Vladimir may seem pointless. But in fact, I carefully planned my actions to get the arrested person to confess and cooperate with the FBI. In this book I will reveal my secret and explain how I won Vladimir's affection, and how, using the same technique, you can win the sympathy of almost anyone for a while or for life. I can do this because, as it turns out, the communication skills I developed for the purpose of gaining the friendship of potential agents and recruiting them can be just as effectively applied to establishing friendships at home, at work and in any other places and communication situations.

I must admit, at first I didn’t realize that my professional skills could be used in everyday life. It wasn't until late in my FBI career that this opportunity came to my attention. At the time, I was teaching young intelligence officers how to recruit agents. One day, before the start of the new semester, I arrived at work half an hour before class to prepare the classroom. To my surprise, there were already two cadets in the class. I didn't recognize them. They sat like exemplary students in the front row, with their hands on the table. This behavior of the cadets surprised me a lot: they rarely showed up for classes this early. I asked what happened, who they were and why they came so early.

– Do you remember Tim from the previous group? – asked one of the cadets.

“Yes,” I answered.

– A couple of weeks ago Tim and I were at a bar. He told us about your lectures on influencing and building trust.

“So what?..” I asked, still not understanding where he was going with this.

– Tim boasted that in class he learned how to pick up any girl.

“And we decided to test it,” continued the first. “We chose the first woman we could find who was sitting at the bar, and suggested to Tim, without a word, invite her to sit at our table for a drink.

- And what did he do? – I asked.

“He accepted the challenge,” exclaimed the cadet. “We decided he was crazy and was taking on too much.” But after forty-five minutes the woman actually came up to our table and asked if she could sit in our company. We couldn't believe our eyes, but that's exactly what happened.

I looked at them searchingly.

– Did you find out how he did it?

- No! - one of them exclaimed, and then they admitted in unison: - We came to learn!

At first I felt bewildered and reminded them of our profession. I said that the purpose of the classes was to train cadets in intelligence skills, and not to train pickup truck masters. But after a short thought, suddenly, to my own surprise, it dawned on me. As I thought about Tim's eccentricities, I realized that the methods used to recruit spies could also be used to win games of love. Not only that, but in a broader sense, this technique can be used in all cases where you need to win a person's favor in almost any interpersonal interaction. This insight became the starting point for working on this book and determined its content.

How often do we complain to ourselves for not being able to approach the person we like and start a conversation? Or that he is not held in high esteem by his superiors precisely because of his isolation and silence? More sociable colleagues receive highly paid jobs only because they are able to charm management with their charm and eloquence. Want to take your personal or professional relationships to a higher level? Read the book by Jack Schafer and Marvin Carlins, “Turning on the Charm Using the Secret Service Technique,” and your dreams will come true.

Good personal relationships are available to everyone. This is not a matter of luck or chance. Those who have certain knowledge on this issue build harmonious interaction with others. The authors of the book “Turn on Charm Using the Secret Services Method” will teach you everything you need to know. After reading this psychological guide, your likability quotient will increase significantly. You will even be surprised how quickly and easily you will turn into a completely different person - open and sociable.

The main formula of friendship, derived by Jack Schafer and Marvin Carlins in their work, is equal to the combination of intimacy, intensity, frequency and duration. As you can see, there is nothing complicated in such a psychological equation. The authors also provide information about nonverbal signals emitted by a person. You will learn to read people like an open book... gestures, facial expressions of your opponent will give you more information about a person than what he says. The book “Turning on the charm using the methods of the special services” is equipped with illustrations, which will further facilitate the memorization of important information. The most important thing that people forget about when talking is the ability to listen. It is those who have this quality in their arsenal who are considered smart, well-mannered people, it is easy and pleasant to be with them, because they are not fixated on their own person.

The book by Jack Schafer and Marvin Carlins, “Turning on the Charm Using the Secret Services Method,” will be useful for everyone. It is worth reading for those who have started working in a new team, who conduct sales training, who want to find love or improve personal relationships. Illustrative examples and methods will help you establish contact with various people, regardless of age, gender, or position in society. And don’t forget that one of the authors of this psychological manual is a former FBI agent who devoted more than 15 years of his life to the topic of counter-terrorism research. And who, if not an agent of such a powerful intelligence service, would not know how to exert psychological influence and convince other people.

On our literary website, you can download the book “Turning on the Charm Using the Secret Services Method” by Jack Schafer, Marvin Carlins for free in formats suitable for different devices - epub, fb2, txt, rtf. Do you like to read books and always keep up with new releases? We have a large selection of books of various genres: classics, modern fiction, psychological literature and children's publications. In addition, we offer interesting and educational articles for aspiring writers and all those who want to learn how to write beautifully. Each of our visitors will be able to find something useful and exciting for themselves.

I continue to sing the praises of one good publishing house and add useful books to my favorite selection. The book, authored by a former FBI agent, psychology professor and behavioral analyst, belongs there. It is useful from the first to the last page (even if there are repetitions, but they are the mother of learning), gives a lot of advice and shows with examples that these tips work.

I admit, at first I was overcome by a worm of doubt. In the first chapter, the author shows how to make friends using the example of recruitment. And there is something dishonest and wrong in this. After all, recruitment entails betrayal, and friendship and betrayal, you understand, do not fit at all. In the same chapter, the author dissects friendship into several components, which also seemed wrong to me. Since friendship is something that cannot be explained, you are either friends with a person or you are not.

But then the doubt went away on its own, and I could no longer tear myself away from the book, read it long and thoughtfully, took notes and repeated the phrase like a mantra that “knowledge without practical application is dead knowledge.” Because you don’t just need to read this book, you need to immediately practice it - so that you can easily communicate with people and gain their sympathy, to understand the behavior of other people, to recognize lies, manage anger and much more. Yes, it will be difficult, you will have to sweat, overcome embarrassment and even fear, and, in the end, suspend disbelief. But I’m sure there will be a result.

By the way, there is enough practice in the book itself. For example, the epilogue contains a spy story that took place at the turn of the 19th and 20th centuries, as told by the spy himself. The author suggests reading it and understanding what methods described in the book were used by the spy. The epilogue is good both as a practical task and as an indicator that the methods work at any time and with any people.

Personally, I learned a lot of interesting, new and useful things. My personal top 10 useful tips (and there are actually more) from Jack Schafer look like this.

1. The most important thing to remember is golden rule of friendship: “If you want people to like you, make them like yourself.” Most of us are self-centered, we think that the world revolves around us. Therefore, we are pleased to be the center of attention, to feel exceptional and interesting. And in order to please a person, you need to show him all this. And then, when he likes you, he will satisfy your needs and fulfill your desires.

2. Play with your eyebrows, instantly raising them up, smiling sincerely and tilting your head. All this is regarded as signals of friendliness. If everything is clear with the first two, then tilting the head is more difficult. By tilting our head, we expose one of the carotid arteries, located on the lateral surfaces of the neck on both sides, to the blow. Instinctively, by bowing our heads, we send a nonverbal signal: “I’m not afraid of you, I trust you.” Those who hold their heads straight or pull them into their shoulders, on the contrary, feel threatened. Watch animals - it works even with them.

3. Avoid signals of hostility. These include a staring or appraising gaze, rolling or squinting eyes, furrowed eyebrows, naturally offensive gestures, an aggressive posture with legs spread wide and hands on hips, and a wrinkled nose. Fight the so-called “angry city look” that is typical of residents of disadvantaged areas and just large cities. This look sends a clear signal to those you meet that you are an enemy, not a friend. This is a warning: don't come near me.

4. Practice sympathetic statements. This is one of the most effective ways to help your interlocutor rise in your own eyes. “So that means you...”, “It looks like you have...”, “I see that you...”.

5. Instead of doing compliments, let the interlocutor say them to himself. This way you can avoid insincerity and flattery.

Example:
- It seems like you've been very busy lately (sympathetic statement).
- Yes, for the last three weeks I have been working like an ox on the delivery of the project, sixty hours a week.
- It takes real dedication and commitment to take on such a big project (inducement to compliment).
- Yes, I sacrificed a lot for this large-scale project.

6. Ask for a favor. A person who renders a courtesy or service to another is elevated in his own eyes.

7. Use swing bridges of communication, that is, mention the content of previous conversations, remember old jokes, thereby you emphasize that you are important and interested in what the interlocutor says.

8. Watch your lips. If the interlocutor purses his lips, then most likely he doesn’t like something. If he bites his lip, he wants to say something, but restrains himself. Pursed lips say the same thing. Touching your lips indicates that the interlocutor is confused by the topic of the conversation.

9. If you want to find out the true opinion of your interlocutor, approach the question from a third party point of view. Don't ask your husband how he feels about cheating. Say: “Can you imagine, my friend caught her husband in bed with someone else” and listen to what he says.

10. If you want to know whether the person you are talking to is telling you the truth, ask closed questions, suggesting either an affirmative or a negative answer. If you hear an uncertain “well” in response, then most likely they are lying to you. The same thing happens if the interlocutor goes into the territory of uncertainty and does not answer the question posed clearly and accurately.

06.08.2017

The book Turn on the charm using the methods of the special services in a brief summary. Summary

The book turns on charm using the methods of special services talks about the golden rules of friendship, the formula of friendship, verbal non-verbal signals and how to win friends

Jack Schafer, Marvin Carlins - About the Authors

Jack Schafer — Former FBI special agent, psychology professor, consultant. For more than 15 years he has been involved in counter-terrorism research and trained special agents in influence and persuasion techniques. Author of six books and numerous articles.

His company, Schafer and Associates, trains lawyers, law enforcement and security officials.

Marvin Carlins — Professor of management at the University of South Florida, received his PhD in psychology from Princeton University.

Author of 24 books, including the bestsellers What Every Body Is Saying and It's a Jungle in There, and more than 200 articles in professional, scientific and popular magazines. Consults large international companies.

We turn on charm using the methods of the special services - Book Review

The ability to make new acquaintances and maintain long-term relationships is available to everyone. To do this, only three conditions must be met:

- you must sincerely want to master methods that promote successful communication;
— you will need to constantly apply the techniques described in the book in everyday life;
- remember that water does not flow under a lying stone. Practice and only practice is important.

Chapter 1. Formula of friendship

The formula for friendship, according to the authors of the book, looks like this:

Friendship = intimacy + frequency + duration + intensity

Proximity means distance between people, as well as regular appearance in the field of view of another person. It creates attraction between people even if they haven't spoken to each other yet. For intimacy to occur, it is important to be in a safe environment. Otherwise, when a person imposes his presence too much, he can only cause a feeling of rejection.
Frequency is the number of contacts, and duration is the time during which each contact occurs.
Intensity- this is a qualitative sign, a means for maximizing the satisfaction of the needs of another person through verbal or non-verbal behavior.

Knowing and correctly applying all the components of the friendship formula, you can analyze and establish almost any relationship (and also gradually eliminate unwanted ones).

Chapter 2. How to get attention before the first word is spoken

Most often, people see you first and only then hear you, so non-verbal signals play a very important role in our lives.

Use three main signals of friendliness:

1. During head tilt to the right or left, the carotid arteries, through which oxygen enters the brain, are exposed. The rupture of at least one of them almost immediately leads to death. It is obvious that when threatened, people draw their heads into their shoulders, but open their necks when meeting people from whom they do not expect anything bad. Men who tilt their heads slightly to the side when communicating appear more attractive to women. Men say the same thing about women who tilt their heads to the side when talking.
2. Eyebrow game implies their short-term raising. This gesture when meeting says that people do not pose a danger to each other. Having received this signal, we send the same one in response, meaning that we have no bad intentions. This gesture is also used at a distance: for example, if other people separate you from a stranger, you can send this signal. If the person answered, it means you interested him.
3. Sincere smile is a powerful signal of friendliness, it shows that we are in a good mood and have a positive attitude. Smiling people seem more attractive, confident and open to others. But the main difficulty is to smile sincerely. ,

Chapter 3. The importance of nonverbal cues

Eye contact is a very important component when trying to make acquaintances. With it, you send a signal to the other person. It is very important to look at a person for no longer than a second the first time, otherwise a closer look will be perceived as a signal of hostility. You should end your first look with a smile.

Touch is also a friendly signal, but it must be used with caution. On the one hand, a light touch (for example, on the back of the hand or on the shoulder) can have a positive effect, but on the other hand, this can cause a negative reaction from the person. If, when touched, he withdraws his hand, frowns, or steps back, it means that he is not yet ready for a closer relationship and you need to continue working on its formation.

Another way to build relationships is to imitate the gestures of your interlocutor. For example, if a person crosses his legs, you can do the same. The interlocutor most likely will not notice your intentions, since all people use the same gestures and take the same poses, the other person’s brain simply will not register anything unusual.

If you constantly encounter difficulties when trying to make new acquaintances, think about whether you are (perhaps even unwittingly) sending the following signals of hostility:

- long gaze
- appraising glance
- eye rolling,
- squinting of eyes,
- frowning eyebrows,
- tension of facial muscles,
- aggressive posture,
- attack signal,
- offensive gestures,
- wrinkled nose.
If you have noted at least one of the listed signals, you should start working on correcting the situation

Chapter 4. The Golden Rule of Friendship

If you want to please someone, make them like you. It is suitable for establishing both short-term and long-term relationships. Its effect is obvious: if, while communicating with you, a person grows in his own eyes, he will want to see you much more often.

The most effective technique is to use sympathetic statements. Phrases such as “You seem to have had a rough day today” or “You look very happy” let people know that they are cared about and that they have been listened to. By reacting in this way to the words of your interlocutor, you raise his self-esteem.

Also don't forget about compliments. They must be sincere and with their help you must emphasize the best sides of the other person.
It is also very useful to conduct a dialogue so that a person remembers his merits or achievements and mentally praises himself. In this case, you will definitely be pleasant to your interlocutor, because you made him like himself.

Chapter 5. Laws of Attraction

The laws of attraction are tools that increase the effectiveness of relationships.

1. Law of similarity (points of contact) . Most likely, friendship will arise between people with similar interests, worldviews or professions. When you see a stranger, take a close look at him and try to find similarities in something.

2. Substitute (secondary) experience, that is, the experience you experience from the words of another person. This method is effective because it allows the interlocutor to talk about himself and what he knows and loves, and thanks to this, rise in his own eyes (remember the golden rule of friendship).

3. Positive side effect. It also happens that two people become friends because they were both in the right place at the right time. When a person feels good, he can associate this state with the people around him and perceive the interlocutor more favorably. This effect is especially evident when playing sports, when as a result of training a person experiences a surge of strength and is therefore more inclined to communicate. So if the person you are interested in goes to the gym, it makes sense to sign up there.

4. Curiosity. A person is very curious by nature, he is interested in a lot of things. Therefore, if you yourself are embarrassed to meet someone first, you can interest others with your appearance so that they themselves take the first step. If you have a hobby, you can come to a coffee shop and do what you love (for example, draw). There is a high probability that they will want to get to know you in order to find out first what you draw, and then who you are, where you are from, etc.

5. Openness. People like those interlocutors who share personal information with them, openly show their feelings, and in return they are also ready to be frank. But at the same time, it is always important to adhere to the golden mean: when meeting someone (and in further communication), you should not be too frank and provide intimate details, but at the same time there is no need to talk abstractly either.

Chapter 6. The language of friendship

If you want to create friendships through conversation, follow four basic rules:

Rule #1 “Listen” means that you must fully concentrate on what your interlocutor is saying. Delve into the meaning of what was said, do not be distracted by extraneous thoughts and external factors. But you don’t need to keep looking at the person. Resist the temptation to interrupt the speaker. Use sympathetic language. Try to feel the emotional mood of your interlocutor.

Rule No. 2 “Observe” implies that you must feel every detail before, during and after the exchange of information. Be sure to analyze nonverbal cues. Remember that the same words can have different effects on different people. And if you suddenly notice a nonverbal negative reaction to some of your words, you will have a chance to immediately save the situation (check with your interlocutor what exactly he didn’t like; explain what you meant; apologize if necessary).

Rule No. 3 “Watch your intonation” says: “It’s not just what you say, but how you say it.” The tone of voice is of great importance here, as it can attract or repel the interlocutor. Often the timbre of the voice expresses our attitude towards a person more than the words themselves. The pace of speech is no less important.

Rule No. 4 “Be empathetic” involves the use of sympathetic statements. Show the person that you understand him, that his feelings are important to you.
And a few more tips for successful communication:
- talk less about yourself, give the floor to your interlocutor;
- don’t complain about your problems - no one likes to communicate with whiners;
- do not touch on topics that are unpleasant to your interlocutor;
- do not waste time on empty chatter, as they say, “about nothing”;
— don’t overflow with emotions, they should be in moderation.

Chapter 7. How to start and maintain long-term relationships

The basis of friendly long-term relationships is 4 components:

1.Participation (interest) . A person who truly cares expresses genuine interest in the other person's affairs, he sympathizes and is ready to help. The saying “A friend in need is a friend in need” is true. Agree that it is easier to maintain good relationships when things are going well, but it is in crisis situations that the essence of a person is revealed. Note that it is not necessary to wait for a critical event to show participation. It is enough to encourage at the right moment, make a pleasant surprise for no reason, help to cope with any task... Even in such seemingly small things, sincere care is manifested.

2. During active listening friendly verbal and non-verbal signals are used, which we have already discussed. Note also that if you are an active listener from the beginning, you will benefit more as the relationship progresses. You will learn to understand your partner even better, his interests, fears, needs, you will know exactly what you should and should not talk about with him.

3. Reinforcement means the use of rewards and punishments towards another person. Unfortunately, the reality is that the bright feelings that are always present at the initial stage of a relationship gradually cool down. But this is not a reason to move away from each other. Praise your partner for good deeds, do not forget about important dates for him, express your gratitude publicly (for example, in front of relatives or friends), encourage your partner to make decisions that are important for both of you.

4. Sympathy - the key to a successful relationship. Empathy means understanding what your partner is currently experiencing. In this case, you will know exactly how to encourage him, how to support him, how to lift his spirit, how to calm him down and how to restore his strength. Empathy and compassion are never forgotten and therefore are valued the most.

Jack Schafer, Marvin Karlins

The Like Switch:

An Ex-FBI Agent's Guide to Influencing, Attracting, and Winning People Over

Published with permission from Touchstone, a Division of Simon & Schuster, Inc. and literary agency Andrew Nurnberg

Legal support for the publishing house is provided by the Vegas-Lex law firm.

* * *

This book is well complemented by:

Robert Cialdini, Steve Martin and Noah Goldstein

Mark Goulston and John Ullman

Mark Goulston

To my wife Helen, gifted with love, strength of character and, moreover, patience, which allowed her to put up with my eccentricities during the thirty years of our marriage.

Jack Schafer

To my wife Edith and daughter Amber. Thank you for being you, for what you have achieved, for the love that has enriched the lives of so many people.

Marvin Carlins

Introduction
How to gain favor with yourself

– Do you remember Tim from the previous group? – asked one of the cadets.

“Yes,” I answered.

– A couple of weeks ago Tim and I were at a bar. He told us about your lectures on influencing and building trust.

“So what?..” I asked, still not understanding where he was going with this.

– Tim boasted that in class he learned how to pick up any girl.

- And what did he do? – I asked.

I looked at them searchingly.

– Did you find out how he did it?

- No! - one of them exclaimed, and then they admitted in unison: - We came to learn!

After leaving the FBI, I continued working on my doctorate in psychology and began teaching at a university. It was during this time that I fleshed out my vision by writing a book designed to help people create successful interpersonal relationships at home, at work, and in all places where such relationships are needed. For example:

New sellers can use these methods to attract new customers;

Experienced sellers will also benefit from the book, learning how to maintain and develop existing relationships, as well as, naturally, attract new buyers;

All employees, from Wall Street managers to restaurant servers, can use these tactics to more effectively interact with management, colleagues, subordinates and clients;

Parents can apply new knowledge to correct, maintain and strengthen relationships with children;

Consumers will learn to receive better service, get better deals, and attract favorable attention from service personnel;

And, of course, people who want to form friendships or romantic relationships will be able to use the proposed techniques to develop skills to overcome difficulties in this difficult task (which is becoming increasingly difficult in the digital age).

This book is for anyone who wants to make new friends or strengthen existing relationships, make casual encounters more enjoyable, and earn more tips and bonuses.

How to Deal with Friendship Challenges

People are social creatures. The human species is programmed to seek out friends. This desire goes back to our distant primitive past, when unity offered the best chance of occupying the top places in the food chain, when we emerged from the caves and began to fight for survival in a hostile and merciless world. If you think that at that time finding friends was a pleasant and easy task, then, unfortunately, you are mistaken. Today, the results of many sociological surveys and studies show that there is a growing number of people in the world who feel lonely and unable to even make acquaintances, let alone build meaningful, deep and lasting relationships. The problem is aggravated by the widespread introduction of social networks into our lives, which further isolate people from each other and prevent the establishment of trusting personal relationships.

Making contact with people, especially strangers, is always difficult. Moreover, these contacts are associated with unpleasant and even frightening experiences. It doesn't matter whether you are a man or a woman. In any case, you experience fear: fear of embarrassment, fear of rejection, fear of offending and hurting other people's feelings, fear of making a bad impression, and even fear of possible manipulation and shameless use of you by another person.

Fortunately, forming a relationship doesn't have to lead to disaster. If you want, despite difficulties, to make friends or simply improve an existing relationship with someone, take heart. You are not alone, and your situation is by no means hopeless. I wrote this book specifically to help reduce your anxiety about maintaining relationships at work and at home, with loved ones, or having to enter into new relationships with strangers. The methods described here are based on cutting-edge science and will give you the chance to learn how to please people without saying a word. In this book you will find various tips on the use of non-verbal signals, with the help of which, just like with the help of words, you can instantly win the favor of any person. However, in the end you still have to speak. Words turn feelings of sympathy into friendship, and sometimes into life-long relationships.

Fruitful personal relationships are undoubtedly within your reach. This is not a matter of chance or luck. Friendly, trusting relationships are established through the application of proven scientific knowledge and proven methods of interaction with others.

So, now you are only three steps away from the unconditional ability to make friends.

1. You must be imbued with a sincere desire to master the methods and techniques described in the book, and spare no effort in doing so. These methods are similar to the power tools used by construction workers. The trick is to let the tool work. For example, in my early youth I sawed wooden blanks with a hand hacksaw. One day my father allowed me to take the circular saw he had recently bought. I began to work, pressing on it in the same way as on a handsaw. Seeing this, my father patted me on the shoulder and told me not to push so hard and to let the saw do its job calmly and well. The techniques described in the book require exactly the same common sense approach. When using them, be calm, be yourself and let them work for you. You will be quite surprised by the result.

2. You must constantly apply new knowledge to interact with the people around you in everyday life. Knowing the best way to do something is only good if you put it into practice. Remember that knowledge without practical application is dead knowledge.

3. Reinforce the learned material with constant practice. The friendship skill is like any skill. The more often you use it, the better you get at it. The less often you use your skill, the sooner you will lose it. After taking these three steps, you will realize that making friends has become as common and unnoticed as breathing.

The ability to evoke sympathy is available, it is in front of you. To master this art, simply use the information presented in the book and watch how your LQ (likability quotient), or likability quotient, grows.

1. Formula of friendship

I've learned that people will forget what you said and they will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel.

Operation "Seagull"

This person's code name is Chaika. He was a senior foreign diplomat. If we could recruit him, it would be a great and valuable asset to the United States of America.

However, we had to solve one difficult question: how to convince a person to renounce allegiance to his native country? To do this, it was necessary to somehow make friends with Chaika and make him an offer that was impossible to refuse. To cope with such a task required patience, careful collection of information about all aspects of this person's life and the establishment of friendly relations between him and the American whom Chaika would trust.

According to our information, he was passed over for promotion several times, and, in addition, our employees managed to overhear Chaika telling his wife that he liked life in America and would gladly retire and settle in the United States if only he could it was possible. In addition, Chaika was concerned that in his homeland he was entitled to a small pension. Armed with this information, security analysts suggested that the diplomat could be won over to our side if we offered him sufficient financial compensation.

Now he had to establish a close relationship with Chaika without frightening him with the prospect of crude recruitment - and this is a difficult task. FBI operative Charles was tasked with establishing contact with Chaika, gradually getting closer to him and building trust in the relationship to such an extent that it would be possible to make him a specific offer. This is how good wine is brought to the required maturity in order to then enjoy its bouquet. The agent was warned that if he showed too much haste, Chaika would most likely become wary and avoid contact. To begin with, the agent should have followed the tactics of establishing friendly relations. The first thing Charles had to do was to please the Seagull without uttering a single word. The second step would be to express the sympathy that has arisen in words with a hint of long-term friendship.

Preparations for the first, most important meeting between Charles and the Seagull lasted several months. Surveillance revealed that once a week the subject left the embassy building and went shopping at a grocery store located a couple of blocks from the embassy. Charles received instructions to regularly catch the Seagull's eye at different places along the route. The agent was warned not to approach Chaika, so as not to arouse suspicion, but simply to catch his eye: to be, so to speak, “here” so that the foreign diplomat would notice him every time.

Being an intelligence officer himself, Chaika very soon noticed an FBI agent who, admittedly, did not strive for secrecy. Since Charles made no attempt to approach or speak to Chaika, he did not feel any threat. He was just used to the fact that an American caught his eye from time to time.

Several weeks passed, and one day, once again finding himself close to the American, Chaika looked into his eyes. In response, Charles nodded his head, making it clear that he noticed this gesture, but did not show any further interest and made no attempt to establish verbal contact.

Several more weeks passed, and only after that Charles began to communicate more intensively with Chaika on a non-verbal level : look into his eyes more often, raise his eyebrows, tilt his head and stick his chin forward a little. The human brain interprets these gestures as "friendly signals."

Charles took the next step in getting closer to Chaika two months later. He followed him into the store, but kept a respectful distance. Now, every time the diplomat visited the store, Charles followed him, still keeping his distance, although several times he passed Chaika in the supermarket aisles. At the same time, the agent began to look his subject in the eyes even more often. Charles noticed that the diplomat always bought a can of peas from the store. After waiting a few more weeks, Charles followed Chaika to the shelf with peas and, when he reached for a can, smiling, he also took a can of peas from the shelf and turned to Chaika: “Good afternoon, my name is Charles, I am a special agent of the FBI.” He smiled back and said: “For some reason I thought so.” After this harmless meeting and acquaintance, a strong friendship was established between Charles and Chaika. In the end, Chaika agreed to supply his friend from the FBI with valuable information.

To a casual observer, Agent Charles' many months of marking time on the spot might seem unnecessarily drawn out and incomprehensible, but it was no coincidence that he waited so long. In fact, the recruitment strategy was carefully thought out and worked out, like a masterful psychological operation, the purpose of which was to establish friendly relations between two people who, on their own, would not only never have become friends, but also never met.

As a specialist at the FBI analytical center, I, along with my colleagues, took part in developing a scenario for recruiting Chaika as our operative. The goal was to get Seagull used to Charles's presence and to ensure that the first acquaintance would develop into friendship - if, of course, the agent managed to make a good impression on the target of recruitment. The task was complicated by the fact that Chaika himself was an experienced intelligence officer and could be suspicious of any attempt by an outsider to get to know him. Then in the future he would avoid the suspicious stranger at all costs.

In order for Charles to successfully implement our plan, it was necessary to create such conditions that a foreign diplomat would be psychologically comfortable communicating with an American agent. Therefore, Charles had to take several specific actions, which he did with great And m success. These steps are no different from what anyone would have to do if they wanted to form a short-term or long-term friendship with someone.

Using the Seagull case as an example, we will now examine what led Charles to his recruiting success. In this case, the FBI agent used friendship formula.

Formula of friendship

The friendship formula consists of four main components: intimacy, frequency, duration and intensity. These four variables can be written as the following simple mathematical equation:

Friendship = intimacy + frequency + duration + intensity

Proximity is the distance between you and another person, as well as your regular appearance in his field of vision. In Chaika's case, Charles didn't just walk up to him and introduce himself. Such behavior, on the contrary, would only alienate a foreigner. The specifics of the situation required a more careful and balanced approach. It was necessary to give Chaika the opportunity to get used to Charles and not perceive him as a threat. To achieve this goal, the factor was used proximity. Intimacy is an indispensable component of all interpersonal relationships. Just being in the target's sight is critical to establishing a personal relationship. Proximity makes the object liking you and causing mutual attraction. As a result, people begin to be attracted to each other, even if they do not exchange words.

The main condition for creating intimacy is to be in a safe environment. If a person feels threatened by the overly intrusive and too close presence of another person, then he becomes wary and tries to sneak away, avoiding further closeness. In the scenario of establishing contact with Chaika, Charles maintained sufficient distance so that he would not perceive him as a source of danger and the fight or flight response would not turn on.

Frequency refers to the number of contacts you have with another person per unit of time, and duration refers to the duration of each contact. As time passed, Charles added the impact of the second and third factors of friendship - frequency And duration. He did this by catching the diplomat's eye more often during his trips to the store (frequency). After a few months, Charles turned on the duration component, beginning to spend more time with Seagull whenever he came into his field of vision - for example, taking him to the store, increasing the duration of each contact.

Intensity is the ability to maximally satisfy the psychological and/or physical needs of another person through verbal or nonverbal behavior. The final ingredient in the friendship formula, intensity, was added gradually as Chaika grew accustomed to Charles's presence and became aware of the FBI agent's apparent reluctance to immediately make direct contact. In this case, the intensity was expressed in the factor curiosity. When a new stimulus appears in a familiar environment (in our example, a stranger appeared in the Seagull’s environment), the brain determines whether this stimulus represents a real threat or an imaginary one. If he identifies it as a real threat, then the person will try to eliminate or neutralize it, and the fight or flight response will turn on. If, on the contrary, the new stimulus is not perceived as a threat, then it becomes an object of curiosity and the person seeks to find out who it is? Why is he here? Can I use it to my advantage?

While at a safe distance, Charles aroused Seagull's curiosity, which prompted him to find out who the man was and what he wanted.

Chaika later admitted that at first glance he recognized Charles as an FBI agent. Whether this is true or not, Chaika caught the friendly signals that the FBI man was sending him. And his curiosity only increased after he learned that Charles actually works for the FBI. Certainly, the foreign diplomat understood that they wanted to recruit him, but he wanted to know for what purpose and at what price. Since Chaika was dissatisfied with his career progress and worried about his imminent retirement, he undoubtedly played out in his mind various scenarios of interaction with Charles, including espionage activities for the United States.

The decision to become a spy is not made overnight. It takes time for a potential candidate to rationalize his tactics and justify his renunciation of allegiance to his state. The recruitment strategy included time for the seeds of betrayal to take root. Chaika’s imagination itself supplied the material for the maturation of this thought. In addition, he spent this period trying to convince his wife to join him. When Charles finally approached Chaika directly, the diplomat no longer viewed the FBI agent as a threat; on the contrary, he saw him as a symbol of hope—hope for a better life in the future.

After Chaika had already decided to agree to work for the FBI, he had to wait some more time until Charles finally contacted him. He later admitted to Charles that this period was the most painful. Curiosity reached its peak. Why doesn't the American take the next step? Indeed, when Charles introduced himself to Chaika in the store, he asked: “Why did you wait so long?”

Maya Angelou (1928–2014) was a renowned American poet, novelist, and civil rights activist. Note ed.

According to the theory of American physiologist Walter Cannon, developed in the 1920s, negative emotions such as anger or fear are biologically expedient: they prepare the body to develop the most intense muscle activity when engaging in fight or fleeing. This physical phenomenon is called the fight or flight response. Note ed.