Tatiana Tkachuk: It was traditions, customs and rituals that once, in ancient times, were the only weather-proof regulators of human relations. Is it true that today they have almost disappeared from our lives - in science this is called desacralization? Is it true that little is established and sacred for our children now? And do customs and rituals always make our world more multifaceted, or can they sometimes seriously complicate our lives?

We will talk about all this today with the poet, Grammy Award winner, Doctor of Philosophy Konstantin Kedrov and psychotherapist Boris Novoderzhkin.

First, as usual, we will listen to the voices of Muscovites and guests of the capital. If you find yourself in any cheerful company and ask people about their family traditions, you will be surprised at the ingenuity with which people are able to do the most ordinary things. “What customs do you have in your family?” - asked Olga Vakhonicheva.

Yes, as a child, I remember, at the beginning of winter the whole extended family, my father’s sisters and brothers, gathered together as families and made dumplings. Now, however, this tradition has been a little lost among us, but we are trying to figure something out, although it is not very successful.

After celebrating the New Year, we like to go to the park for a walk and build a snowman. If this can be called a tradition...

We don’t get up on New Year’s Eve in the morning so that we can go through all subsequent holidays in a good mood. When the family was big, there was something else, but now all the children have moved away, they have become adults - my wife and I, in a simple way. We are not very superstitious, so at most there are two traditions, maybe some that are rooted in the family, but not anymore.

There are no traditions.

Pancakes. Our mother and all my aunts, her sisters, baked magnificent pancakes. Not pancakes, but pancakes - these are openwork, like lace. And they cooked very tasty cabbage soup. And when we came to visit our aunts or they came to us, these were traditional dishes. Our parents are rural, even though they are from the village, they really loved going to the theaters, especially the Bolshoi. Dad worked there as a civil engineer, and they went to the Bolshoi Theater and the circus, and they taught us to do this.

Yes, of course, we celebrate the New Year at home, with the whole family. If we are far from each other, then, say, we try to remember our birthdays and celebrate them somewhere among friends.

New Year's Eve is a family holiday.

A lot of. We observe Epiphany, Christmas, of course, New Year, and in full. We make carols. We disguise ourselves in what, scatter candies, give them, visit guests. We have relatives who live not far from us, we go to them and congratulate them. Naturally, in such an outfit so that they would not be recognized. Very interesting indeed.

Yes, I have. We always celebrate the New Year with my mother. We clean up and decorate the Christmas tree. And after the New Year we go for a walk on Red Square. Celebrating birthdays, some religious holidays. Handing over the session when the session ends - such.

Tatiana Tkachuk: It is from our parents’ family that we take certain patterns, according to which we then build our own family. Both husband and wife bring into the new home the rituals and customs that they were both taught in their parents' home. And here sometimes, as soon as a new family is created, serious “inconsistencies” begin. I quote one of the letters: “In my family it has always been customary to discuss everything with each other, to solve any problems together. Not a single evening was complete without live communication. It's not like that with my husband. Just as they were silent with their mother about the most important things, so now he is silent with me. What to do? Should I break it? Boris, perhaps, is not the most striking example of the discrepancy between the traditions of behavior in the family, but he is very recognizable, I think. Do you think this family has a chance to cope with the difference in the traditions of building relationships between parental families and build their own relationships?

Boris Novoderzhkin

Boris Novoderzhkin: Well, in this case I would not talk about tradition, because for me tradition still has more to do with a certain ritual, and ritual is something externally observable, externally phenomenological, which an outsider can record as some specific action. When we talk about relationships, it's still...

Tatiana Tkachuk: Boris, let's give what the woman wrote about in her letter a purely external form. Let’s assume that in her parents’ family there was a tradition of sitting down together in the evening at a certain time and at this table, where everyone gathered, discussing how the day went, who had any problems. And now this is turning into a ritual that...

Boris Novoderzhkin: Sitting down is a ritual, and discussing is one of the “you’re not attentive enough to me, because my parents were attentive to each other...” How was this attention expressed? There are people with different temperaments, there are people who express themselves more somehow, and there are people who are more inside. And then there is just such an interesting junction when these contradictions arise and some justifications for the behavior and accusations of the other arise with the reference to the fact that there is a certain ritual. What are the benefits of rituals? That, be so kind as to sit down at the table at a certain time, and if we sit at the table at a certain time, then this psychologically adjusts the person in a different way. And, I repeat once again, discussing is such an elusive thing, that is, everything can be discussed in a nutshell. In general, it seems to me that this example suggests that, in fact, there are, in general, quite a few rituals that have survived, except for the festive ones that people talked about on the streets.

Tatiana Tkachuk: Yes. Here is another letter on the Radio Liberty website; Alexander Glusker, its author, constantly writes to us on the site. And I asked the question on the site: “Are there any rituals, customs and traditions in your family?” And his letter begins with the words: “The first feeling when reading your question is that no. Although there’s probably something there.” It’s wonderful when a family has its own history, it is passed down from generation to generation and gives family members a sense of belonging to that particular home. However, when I was preparing the program, I remembered the Forsyte house - where there were more than enough traditions and rituals. And I remembered how the younger generation of Galsworthy’s heroes suffered from the need to “conform”...

Konstantin, in your opinion, when does such a thing happen that traditions become not a joy, but a burden?

Konstantin Kedrov

Konstantin Kedrov: They become a burden when they cease to be something personal and become something public. Social means dead. Strictly speaking, what are all these rituals, all these holidays? These are human feelings, and people gather for a reason to jump around the same Christmas tree, but they gather because they want to get together, hold hands, boys touch girls with their hands, girls boys. And in this case, it is legitimized by society, and they want it, and it is pleasant, and it is mysterious and joyful, and beckons, and so on. Moreover, in a country of universal atheism, such as the Soviet Union, instead of the Lord God, at least Santa Claus is already something, some kind of messenger from another world. In an age when man is completely cut off from the sky, the Christmas tree, prohibited in Soviet times, was suddenly allowed.

And perhaps no one remembered that the Christmas tree is the Milky Way. “Like a Christmas tree behind our shoulders, the Milky Way was showered with rays, the month floated over the frozen ravine - a boomerang launched by God” - I wrote this in 2000, at a turning point. I remembered that the Milky Way is a Christmas tree, that these balls that we hang on the Christmas tree are shiny, these are not just balls, but these are planets. And, in general, the holiday has a cosmic nature. And each such holiday is a reminder that we live not only in time, but also in eternity, that we are involved in these eternal processes. After all, what is the tragedy of man? That he, being a temporary being, at the same time lives an eternal, cosmic, universal life. This is the mystical meaning of these holidays. But when this mystical meaning leaves the holidays, then they turn into a dead ritual, and then instead of a Christmas tree they simply bring some kind of plastic stick, or now all of Moscow is covered in some kind of liquid wires, some monstrous wires - and they say that this is a Christmas tree. But this is terrible! That's just terrible. And it’s also terrible that there are two New Years. Two New Years are like two birthdays, that is, that means not a single birthday. Because it’s one thing - we celebrate the miracle that every year is new, and suddenly we celebrated only one New Year - well, this is already the second New Year here. Well, let's celebrate every day...

Tatiana Tkachuk: The more we talk about traditions and rituals today, the more our conversation revolves around holidays. But there are such things in the life of every family, such as, for example, an evening story that mom or dad (as is customary) reads to the children at night. And psychologists traditionally believe that family rituals are much more important for children than for adults - because, in professional terms, they perform supporting and stabilizing functions. What is always observed, no matter what, relieves children's anxiety, psychologists say, and consoles them when they are upset.

Boris, you have three children (four, but the eldest son is already quite an adult), and in this case the question is for you as a psychologist and as a father. Is it true that traditions and rituals are more important for children than for adults, or are we rather deceiving ourselves with these excuses, but in fact we ourselves enjoy playing these games?

Boris Novoderzhkin: Oh, if this were so, if we ourselves always played these games with pleasure, it would be wonderful for us, and of course, for the children! Another question is that often we don’t want to play these games, but pay off our debt to the children by organizing certain rituals, when we do this with a sour expression on our faces, we do it - we’d rather just finish it...

Tatiana Tkachuk: From under the stick.

Boris Novoderzhkin: Yes. And then it's bad. Because children, first of all, imitate their parents, and if the parents themselves play some games with pleasure, then the children also catch up, then this really becomes such a good tradition. There is another expression - a good tradition. Traditions are also different due to what Konstantin said earlier, that there are traditions, rituals that allow you to do something... For example, a dance ritual, for example, a slow dance - when people can actually hug - is a wonderful permissive ritual. But there are, it seems to me, also positive prohibitive rituals. If we take again the sexual side of human life, then some rituals associated with abstinence are voluntarily accepted... Again at the individual level, of course, and not at the level when it is imposed by the state, as in history - “we don’t have sex”, then , of course, it’s terrible - such nationwide rituals.

Konstantin Kedrov: So the dance itself is very interesting, on the one hand, it prohibits behavior unbridled, but at the same time it allows - it allows courtship, it allows you to express your feelings, but express them tenderly, courteously, subtly. All these fast dances have always been a terrible torture for me. Well, what can I express, twitching like this, except for the simplest, most primitive, reflexive feelings that are inherent in all living things?

Tatiana Tkachuk: What about fast Latin American dances?

Konstantin Kedrov: But, you know, when I could approach a girl, and slowly, calmly, huddled together, we talk about something, no matter what, maybe even about the weather - I always looked forward to it. That is, I want to say that in fast dance there is one terrible thing - disunity, when everyone twitches in the same way, when you cannot whisper something of your own, personal.

Tatiana Tkachuk: Thank you. We'll take the call. Nina got through from St. Petersburg. Nina, we are listening to you, good afternoon.

Listener: Good afternoon. I myself studied the history of ritual, starting from ancient times and studying past traditions. And I realized that a ritual that is not associated with certain spiritual aspirations, certain dates, certain cosmic events can only cause harm. I mean - and I want to support one of your participants - the celebration of the Old New Year, that we live according to the Gregorian calendar, that suddenly the Julian calendar comes out of nowhere and begins to tell us something about Julius Caesar in the era of space exploration. And in general, it turns out to be such nonsense, and the strangest thing is that people begin to believe in all this, and, in principle, they become convinced how poorly we all understand what we are doing. That's what I wanted to tell you.

Tatiana Tkachuk: Thank you for your call, Nina, but my first feeling from your call is that, in fact, no one is imposing, and most people treat the Old New Year as an event that can be perceived as an extra reason to get together with friends. Let's assume that if the New Year was celebrated with your parents, then on this day you can invite some friends. If you don’t like it, if you don’t accept this holiday, you can simply not celebrate it, no one is forcing you. Boris...

Boris Novoderzhkin: I would add that many people also celebrate Christmas twice – first European Christmas, then our Christmas. But it seems to me that with the New Year the situation here is even different. Usually, when you prepare for so long, like a small child, you can become over-eager and over-excited. And this main New Year, it is not always as successful as we would like, it is not always as original and memorable. And here, as it were, there is an opportunity to do this again, take two. And this somehow stretches out this entire holiday week. But, unfortunately, I say that in our country this often turns into such an all-Russian binge, because, undoubtedly, our rituals are still associated with the consumption of large quantities of alcohol. And when all this begins on the 20th of December, with European Christmas, and then stretches until the Old New Year...

Tatiana Tkachuk: You know, Boris, it seems to me that in every family here it develops somehow in its own way. According to my observations, one holiday is celebrated very fun and very joyfully, very magnificently. That is, if, say, it is customary in a family to celebrate Christmas on December 25, then all the energy is spent on this day, gifts are prepared for this day, guests are invited, some kind of entertainment competitions are invented, and for the New Year itself there is already strength, physical and emotional, doesn't stay.

Boris Novoderzhkin: Magnificent in appearance. It’s like with a wedding: at first there is the first, ritual part of the wedding, when everyone then lies down, everyone is tired, having completed this formal part - with the registry office and so on; and then, the next day, the young people gather and rest their souls. And it seems to me that it’s the same on New Year’s holidays: at one moment there is such a ritual when you need to show everyone to each other what a good preparation was, and then rest your soul, relax, as they say, with your own people and for yourself.

Tatiana Tkachuk: You know, I recently listened to an interview with a registry office employee who talked (I was surprised by this material) about how many people try to diversify even the state wedding ritual that takes place in the registry office, and how much they invent around these 10 minutes that they are in the hall where they are given passports with stamps. One couple in the style of the 60s decided to beat this day, drove up in cars of that time, were dressed in the style of that time, ordered music of that time. Another couple had a “denim wedding,” meaning from the bride and groom to all the guests, everyone wore denim. This is also a ritual and custom - and at the same time, this is our attitude towards some events in our life, how we want to perceive it, whether we want to treat it in a standard way or whether we want to invent something...

Boris Novoderzhkin: Honestly, at a wedding it's a different story. In general, weddings are sometimes even rehearsed, and then all these entrances in various exotic cars, then all this is filmed in the hope that later they will watch it. And behind such sophisticated rituals, internal experiences go away; people actually become some actors playing in a certain film to watch later.

Tatiana Tkachuk: In any ritual there is, of course, theatricality.

Boris Novoderzhkin: That is, balance is very important here, so that you still have it for yourself.

Tatiana Tkachuk: We will take calls. Elya from Moscow, hello.

Listener: Hello. Thank you for the interesting topic, but I wanted to say that there are everyday rituals and, indeed, festive ones. And so my husband’s holiday ritual turned into a household one. From the age of 11 (apparently with the appearance of his younger sister in the house), his concern was to get a Christmas tree. Soviet Christmas tree markets were deplorable, and the pressure was hanging over him, he had no holiday, he was wondering where to get a decent Christmas tree. And he’s still shaking, you know, he goes to OBI to get these trees and now he walks around the tree and says: “Take it apart quickly.” In general, this is, of course, not good. But everyday rituals, they are very convenient because, without intentionally observing them, you can show what your opinion is on this or that. That is, if a wife has a ritual - to kiss her husband when he leaves for work, and suddenly she does not kiss him, or, say, the husband does not bring his wife coffee in bed - this is such a language, and using this language pragmatically, it is also possible, in in general, to achieve something.

Tatiana Tkachuk: Thank you, Elya, for your call. Let's take another call right away, from St. Petersburg from Sergei, and answer.

Listener: Good afternoon. Your topic is good. Lately I’ve been seeing that people are somehow trying to invent for themselves what they had. So they pass off what is real as wishful thinking and wishful thinking as reality; in fact, of course, they did not have such rituals. And many, especially retirees, write all sorts of memoirs. When you know a person very well and see how he lived before and what he now writes supposedly about family rituals, this, of course, is very far from what he had. There is some kind of fiction there.

Tatiana Tkachuk: Thank you, Sergey. So, Konstantin, two calls at once. Elya talked about how you can achieve something by following rituals (very pragmatically), and the second call was about invention.

That is, there is also a game in rituals. When they are playful, it’s nothing. But when they are in all seriousness... Here under my windows is the Pushkin restaurant, and there... well, not new Russians, but something else they call them now, oligarchs, I don’t know (they don’t know what to call themselves yet ), and here they are, riding in chaises all night at this wedding. And the more magnificent the wedding, the more doubts arise.

Tatiana Tkachuk: Thank you.

In one family, on payday, the husband brings a cake, and it’s “Kyiv”, as it happens, in another, the wife always accompanies her husband to work, no matter how sleepy she might be, in the third, the father always bathes the daughter, and in the fourth, it’s the birthday of all family members are celebrated exactly on the birthday and are never transferred anywhere. “We used to celebrate the day we met, when we confessed our love to each other. What now?" - someone is sad according to a wonderful custom that for some reason disappeared from this family. And he asks the question: “Or maybe all these are empty rituals, toys?”

And Alexander is in touch with us from St. Petersburg. Hello.

Listener: Good afternoon. Today you seem to be considering one part of the ritual (and this is a more complex structure) - the household ritual. I would like to learn from your guests the direction of development. I will speak in platitudes, but it is clear that society is atomizing, individualizing, and in this regard, I was given an example that, in principle, the variability of rituals, that is, the variety of rituals, will grow with geometric progression. The only purpose of common rituals is to synchronize in time. But again, the closest example is my friend and his wife - on the 25th they were in a New Year’s mood, that’s the full feeling of the New Year, and they decided to celebrate the New Year on the 25th. We did it and it was wonderful. But from the 31st to the 1st they were not in any mood, so they simply did not cope with it.

Tatiana Tkachuk: Thank you, Alexander. Your call contains a lot of questions at once, but since my program is called “Personal Matter,” that’s why we’re talking... I don’t like the word “everyday life,” I want to move a little towards the family, especially since you gave an example about a friend with his wife .

In fact, it seems to me that since Christianity replaced paganism and brought some new customs, traditions and rituals, the life of the average family today proceeds in accordance with one of three options, to put it roughly: either according to a book about life of a Russian family of the 16th century “Domostroy”; either according to the matriarchy scheme or, in a minimum of cases, according to the Western model of partner marriage. And based on these three large models, the lifestyle of the family, and therefore the customs and rituals established in it, follows. Therefore, as for whether the number of variations of rituals will increase over time, I don’t know, maybe the number will increase, but, in my opinion, it will fit into the scheme of such “three pillars”. Konstantin, am I wrong?

Konstantin Kedrov: I think that the most beautiful families, of course, are those where ritual is minimal and surprise, which stems from inner feelings, dominates. After all, life is a mysterious process, and surprises are possible here. A person must be unexpected for himself, and even more so for others. Still, when everything is ritualized, when it is known in advance what he should say, what she should do - this is where necrosis begins, this is a sign... well, yes, this is a family in form, but internally something goes away. It’s another matter when they internally treat this with a game, when the wife plays patriarchy, and the husband plays matriarchy - this is an ideal modern family, I think. The husband should play such a role in everything, as if there were matriarchy in the family, and with pleasure carry out the will of the woman, and the woman should pretend that patriarchy reigns, and in everything carry out the will of the man. In reality it will, of course, be a matriarchy...

Tatiana Tkachuk: (laugh) I was wondering whether you would end your monologue with this or not? Well, we already talked today about how the Old New Year is celebrated, and indeed, our program comes out on the eve of the Old New Year, and in one family this holiday is celebrated, in another it is not, some are good about it, others are bad. But, for example, how exactly to decorate a Christmas tree, if we are talking about the New Year at all, is a whole ritual with family customs. Sometimes it happens that one tree is simply not able to withstand everything that the grandmother, son-in-law and sister-in-law want to do with it, because everyone has their own ideas. It seems to me that it is very easy to observe family rituals on holidays, because they are very visible, there is a lot of givenness in them, which, Konstantin, you just talked about, and, in general, there is quite a bit of surprise. Boris, what to do with everyday life? After all, you really want the family to have some kind of peculiarity, some difference from others, so that it happens every day, not to wait for this New Year. Don’t wait for March 8th, the day on which traditionally men run at 5 am to look for tulips for their beautiful women, but let it be unexpected. I don’t know, some April 10th – bang, and a holiday. And it’s not like others. And we can already say: we have a tradition. What to do with everyday life?

Boris Novoderzhkin: I agree with what Konstantin said, with what you just said, Tatyana, about surprise. Surprise, it exists as a polarity to something stable. That is, one thing must always happen, there must be just this ritual, which we often do not notice, in order to disrupt it at some point and somehow surprise someone else. For a family to be different from others, it seems to me that this is not entirely true, because if this ritual is for someone to show that “this is who we are”... Surprising your wife is one thing. Surprising our acquaintances with how we structure rituals within the family - well, there is also a question - who should I surprise, my mother-in-law, or one of my friends, my boss?

But it also seems to me that now such an interesting thought has come to mind: it seems that we have no rituals - but we live among rituals, in fact! And a good example when we see how important these rituals are is that in our tradition it is customary that when people greet, a man shakes a man’s hand, but does not shake a woman’s hand. But the Germans, for example, have no such difference. I can imagine what a wild internal situation a German woman faces when a man comes up, shakes everyone’s hand, but doesn’t shake her hand. She flinches!

Tatiana Tkachuk: Feminists won there.

Boris Novoderzhkin: That's not the point. Imagine, somewhere there would be such a ritual that, for example, we do not shake hands with people with glasses, or bald people, or people older or younger than a certain age - there could just as easily be such a ritual.

Tatiana Tkachuk: You know, Boris, now they publish very good guidebooks, where there is very little useful information for tourists, where they will describe everything to you that is customary in this country, so that you don’t think that they don’t greet you because you are the “wrong” person in society.

Boris Novoderzhkin: Yes, and we don’t notice it when it happens every day, when we say “thank you” to each other, when we greet each other.

Tatiana Tkachuk: Thank you, Boris. We have a call from Lyudmila Ivanovna from the Smolensk region. Hello.

Listener: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, you know, I’m 68 years old, my roots are twofold - my dad is from the city, and my mom is from the countryside. And with regard to traditions, there is already a saying that culture determines the fate of a people, and tradition is part of culture. So, the post-war culture of celebrating the New Year: in hungry, scary, toy-less years, they decorated the Christmas tree, waited impatiently, with hope, with joy, made primitive toys from newsprint, painted them with beets, carrots, brilliant green, if they bought them. And they made gifts for the children absolutely secretly, making sure that the child did not know. My grandfather had a huge family, and they always looked forward to the holiday with joy. We have to wait for the holidays. It’s not enough to give a bouquet just like that, but observing traditions is a sacred thing. Christmas, Old New Year, New Year, special songs, guests, joy, feast - all this is necessary. All this has been knocked out from under our feet. And now you no longer know what toy to give to the child, there is no joy, they bring it all in advance, they say it in advance, vanity, ridicule. Of course, I’m just upset, traditions are disappearing, the culture of a certain people is disappearing. And this is not only with us, but also with other nations, something similar is happening. It’s just sad that we are losing our uniqueness.

Tatiana Tkachuk: Lyudmila Ivanovna, let's give guests the opportunity to comment on your call. I listened to our listener now and remembered the toys that my grandmother showed me, which she managed to save from the post-war years, which were made by hand, using these methods (we keep them at home). This is an amazing tradition!

Konstantin, you know what bothered me a little about this call was the very serious tone and intonation.

Konstantin Kedrov: Yes Yes.

Tatiana Tkachuk: “It is so important to respect traditions so that this part of the culture is not lost, so as not to lose the culture of the nation”... What now? – says our listener. - Laughter, vanity and no serious, respectful, sacred attitude towards the same gifts. Please, your opinion?

Konstantin Kedrov: And immediately a word arose, which I hate with all my heart, from animal husbandry usage - “people”. That is, what was born. You know, people, folk - we say this when we have nothing to say, and we are projecting somewhere to the side, moving away from ourselves. Well, what does “folk” mean? Our parents just loved us and tried to cut us something out of foil, some kind of toy. And now, thank God, you can actually go to a nearby kiosk and there are such amazing toys, and they will buy them and give them as gifts - and the children are just as happy with these toys as we were with those that were cut out of foil. It's the same thing, believe me. It’s just common for people to think that life used to be good, but now life is bad. Over time, over the years, this seems so to many. Nothing like that, life is always equally beautiful, equally tragic, equally good, equally problematic.

Tatiana Tkachuk: And also, you know, in this call there were a bit of those intonations from “Forsytes”, such a finger - “you must...”

Konstantin Kedrov: Yes, “the people”, on behalf of the people...

Tatiana Tkachuk: Remember the call from our listener, who said that his friend and his wife wanted, so they were in a New Year’s mood, they celebrated the New Year on the 25th - and maybe it was wonderful for these people. We will receive a call from Italy, unexpected. Irina, we are listening to you. Hello.

Listener: Hello. It's very nice to hear from you. It’s how my life has turned out that I live in Italy, but, nevertheless, it’s very nice that I can read and listen to you, it’s very joyful. I wanted to say that, of course, of course, I agree that accepted traditions are very important, but in our family it turned out that somehow it was not customary to celebrate designated holidays. I don’t know whether we are right or wrong. And this is how it came from my grandparents, and my mother and father have the same attitude: they are in the mood, for example, before some designated holiday - they gather guests and do something themselves. And it’s the same for me. Is it correct? Thank you very much.

Tatiana Tkachuk: Thank you. Boris, please.

Boris Novoderzhkin: A little earlier, the word “time synchronization” was heard in one of the calls. It seems to me that this is still important, because if I celebrate the New Year, and at 12, at one and two in the morning there is loud music, I explode rockets - this can be done on the general New Year, but if I celebrate individually - then problems will arise Problems. In this sense, indeed, living in society, we somehow orient ourselves towards each other in this way. But, of course, such surprises are great, wonderful. Another question is that these unexpected holidays should also involve a certain number of people who synchronize their time and come to an agreement. Because if I alone decided that this is the New Year, this may be my internal state (and it’s great if it lasts a lifetime, this holiday), but still we agree. And if you manage to come to an agreement, if it doesn’t bother your neighbors or interfere with your work, great.

Tatiana Tkachuk: And yet you want to share the holiday with someone - with friends, with loved ones.

Boris Novoderzhkin: Otherwise it’s not a holiday! This is where the holiday lies – in human communication.

Tatiana Tkachuk: Thank you, Boris. And Marina from Moscow is in touch with us. Hello.

Listener: Good afternoon. It seems to me that you and your listeners, to which I belong (I constantly listen to your wonderful radio station), are somehow beating around the bush. You don’t say or formulate very important things. Indeed, pay attention to the difficulty with which both your guests and listeners tried to find examples of the traditions of some family rituals in today's life. And this is completely no coincidence. Because in our society there were so few segments of stable life, and so many times this life was turned upside down, that it is simply unrealistic for people to preserve traditions, because these traditions were constantly interrupted. And the longer the period of stable, good, calm life in the country, the more some traditions, common rituals will arise in each individual family, and in society as a whole, and they will be filled with some kind of human, good, kind , warm content. And everything will be fine in this regard. As they say, more stability and a normal, calm, well-fed life.

Tatiana Tkachuk: Thank you, Marina, for your call. I would say that my desire today on the air was to talk not so much about general traditions, but about private ones inherent in individual families. I will now give you an example and ask my guests to comment on it. The family in question, like the rest of the country, experienced many different periods in life, and was subject to instability; naturally, they first lived in a communal apartment, where, in fact, the tradition that I will talk about originated. Now this family lives in a rather large apartment, but the tradition remains. So, in this family it was customary to go to the balcony to sort things out in case of a quarrel, and when people stopped sulking at each other, they returned in a very peaceful state to the apartment, in front of other people. At first, the balcony was invented precisely because they lived in a communal apartment, because it was the only place where they could have privacy. But, then moving first to a small apartment, then to a large one, the balcony was like a place where the two of them could go... And, by the way, it was impossible to refuse to go out there; if one person, in a quarrel with another, called to the balcony, then he did not have the right to refuse, he had to come out, and the conversation had to take place.

What exactly have these people achieved? They once and for all isolated children from the squabbles of their parents. And neither the mother-in-law nor the mother-in-law could ever participate in the quarrels between husband and wife, that is, the conflict between the two was always clarified by only two people. In my opinion, this is a brilliant idea that has survived many historical moments in the life of the country and the life of this family, and various financial circumstances in which this family existed. And it seems to me that this is precisely the tradition in which some deepest meaning is revealed.

Boris, do you have any similar examples in your practice, perhaps which could be given in the form of such unobtrusive advice?

Boris Novoderzhkin: You know, unfortunately, in reality there are quite a few such traditions in families, they are quite rare. But very often I have to offer families similar rituals during my psychotherapeutic sessions. One such ritual: when people argue, write letters to each other. I wrote a letter, re-read it - maybe you’ll throw it out, maybe you’ll edit it, maybe you’ll give it away. People can come up with this kind of thing, but here it is often necessary for someone external to be there, because people are somehow shy. There is another problem that people are embarrassed by some such rituals. Sometimes they are even embarrassed to say “thank you” to each other once again - well, we are relatives, what will we do with each other... This is really some work, and you need to step back a little from the situation. The ritual allows you to step back from the situation and pause. This, it seems to me, is one of the main functions of such prohibitive, I would say, rituals.

Tatiana Tkachuk: Thank you, Boris. I remembered now how the poet, writer Olga Kuchkina in this studio talked about how during difficult periods of her life she and her husband corresponded. They left letters for each other, and often in these letters you could say something that you could not say verbally, and the other person always had time to think and respond. Thus, a dispute, a conflict does not occur rashly, does not occur in a hurry, it has a smoother resolution curve. And I think that's wonderful.

Petersburg, Georgy, hello.

Listener: Hello. I have two points, two peculiar traditions. One was, apparently, a noble tradition: once a month they gathered, went to visit relatives on Vasilievsky Island from Marata Street and had evenings there. There were grandfathers and grandmothers, and children, and even small children, all generations were sitting at the table, someone was doing something - either reciting, or playing, there were musicians there. This time. Then she was lost. And the second tradition was, perhaps, more interesting. There was some famous collector of huge record collections, it’s on Teatralnaya Square, and I was there five times. Complete strangers came on Wednesday or Saturday, set a time, listened to old records, turned on Chaliapin, and also sang live, someone accompanied the singer. And they talked, and dinner was like this. These two rather interesting traditions have now, in my opinion, both disappeared. Thank you.

Tatiana Tkachuk: Thank you, Georgiy. I listened to you and thought that you were talking about traditions that someone else invented and introduced, and you seemed to be (I don’t know, maybe not a very appropriate word) a user, such a user of the tradition. There is a tradition of listening to records in the square - so I went and took part in it.

And a quote from another letter: “Literally every family has traditions and customs, they are just so familiar and unnoticed that they are not even considered traditions.” Konstantin, now I have a question for you as a philosopher: is it generally possible to determine what is a ritual and what is just a banal habit? Where is the line?

Konstantin Kedrov: Yes, a very simple line. Ritual implies something mystical, in a broad sense mystical, that is, mysterious. Ritual implies that much is left unsaid. In relationships between people, in love, in relationships between father and son, mother and daughter, husband and wife, between parents there is always an abyss of unspoken things.

Tatiana Tkachuk: But ritual is one of the ways to express.

Konstantin Kedrov: And you were just talking about letters, and I suddenly thought: why, strictly speaking, letters, why not send SMS? Here are my students, for example, during a lecture I look - suddenly a girl looks somewhere, looks. I think: why is she looking under the table? Like, I allow cheat sheets, please...

Tatiana Tkachuk: She has love going on there, under the table.

Konstantin Kedrov: Love began under the table. I was so pleased that during my lectures love is born and SMS messages are sent. Everything is fine, new rituals are being born, the same SMS messages - they didn’t exist until recently, but now they are a huge part of youth culture. This is an opportunity to instantly speak out, this is an opportunity to say something that you cannot say just like that, verbally, but can be conveyed in an SMS. You can send a picture via the Internet, choose a bouquet.

Tatiana Tkachuk: Konstantin, I still want to dwell a little, with your permission, on the word “mystical”. A husband brings his wife a cup of coffee in bed, not every day, that is, it is not elevated to the rank of a daily routine, but there are moments when this happens. There is no mysticism in this, nevertheless, it is a ritual, it is not just a banal habit.

Konstantin Kedrov: This is a wonderful ritual, it brings - it expresses your feelings. And one fine day, suddenly the wife gets up before her husband and brings it to him - and this is also a wonderful ritual. That is, among the rituals there is a wonderful ritual - a violation of all traditions and rituals, a renewal of life.

Tatiana Tkachuk: But there is also the opposite thing, I just thought about this: in the minds of each of us there are some rituals that we would like the second partner to perform in relation to us. Recently, one friend told me: “Well, finally, I got a glass of champagne in bed!” She had probably been waiting for it for a long time, this glass, and finally it happened. Boris, is expecting someone else to observe a certain ritual the right way to behave? Or, as you always think, is it better to give a hint, that is, to say directly what you are waiting for, and then you will get it faster? And what about mysticism then?

Boris Novoderzhkin: Then it is not a ritual if we prompt it. A ritual exists as a ritual because of the expectations on the part of another person. But now an interesting thought has occurred to me about such internal psychological mechanics. I said a little earlier about prohibiting rituals and realized that this was wrong. After all, in every ritual there is both a prohibition and thereby a permission. On some side, we limit freedom, often these restrictions are of an external nature, physical, I would say, and due to this we get more opportunities for freedom. It’s the same in a slow dance situation: there is some prohibition on behaving cheekily, but allowing this touch makes the touch much more intimate, much more erotic, reveals the person much more widely. And every ritual is connected with this. In order to gain greater freedom in something, to explore greater freedom, you need to limit yourself in something. But a ritual is, in any case, some kind of agreement between people. There must be at least two people, or even if one performs the ritual, I have, as they say, someone ritually present who knows something about this ritual. If I invented it myself and no one knows about it, then it probably cannot be called a ritual.

Tatiana Tkachuk: Thank you, Boris. Konstantin, do you also agree that rituals need to be negotiated?

Konstantin Kedrov: I think we need to be updated all the time. Proletarians of all countries, renew yourself!

Tatiana Tkachuk: Thank you. Unfortunately, our airtime has come to an end.

Sociologists conducted a funny study, and it turned out that 40 percent of respondents had a positive attitude toward the same rituals—visiting parents on weekends, going for a walk before bed, serving breakfast in bed—while 30 percent had an extremely negative attitude. This is probably a reason to think that it’s best to come up with traditions yourself and together, and not use other people’s standard clichés...

Target: structural restructuring of the family by changing the rules of its existence and disrupting stable ways of interaction of its members (defining intra-family boundaries, increasing the independence of family members, adjusting

communication, weakening intergenerational coalitions, strengthening alliances within one generation).

Historical reference: This version of the technique was developed by psychotherapists from the Milan school of family therapy - M. Selvini Palazzoli, L. Boscolo, D. Cecchin, G. Prata (1977-1978).

Procedure

The “Family Ritual” technique involves the creation by a psychologist of a kind of ritual that is prescribed to the family without any explanation. At the same time, specific actions, their sequence, time and place of execution are strictly determined for family members.

This technique paradoxically uses the rigid aspects of the family structure for positive changes and contributes to the emergence of new constructive forms of family interaction. The ritual functions at the level of metacommunication and therefore causes less resistance than direct interpretation of the symptom. Using this technique, a psychologist, following the family, can gradually change the quality of family relationships.

In order to select a ritual suitable for a family, the psychologist should identify the myths that support its existence and are necessary for its preservation, and have a good understanding of the peculiarities of the functioning of this family system. To this end, he must study in detail the history of the family over several generations and study the features of its dynamics. Only after this can one begin to develop a family ritual that can change the existing system through the introduction of new norms and rules. If the family agrees to act in accordance with the prescribed ritual And accepts new rules, then an opportunity is created for changes in the functioning of the entire family system.

Algorithm for using the “Family Ritual” technique

Analysis of family history, identification of the peculiarities of the functioning of a given family and creation of a ritual for it.

Obtaining firm assurance from family members that they will follow the instructions that the psychologist is going to give them.

3. A detailed explanation of the prescription (this can be presented in writing for each family member). Part of the ritual may be the reading of the received prescription by one of the family members to everyone else in some way

a certain place and at a certain time.

with rigid families;

with young families;

with families who have a carrier of mental pathology;

with families with an insufficient level of internal organization;

with families with adopted children;

with families experiencing loss (death of a family member).

What is the most important thing in a relationship? How to maintain freshness of feelings, even if the period of falling in love has passed? I'll tell you about my formula for happy relationships.

Shared rituals play a big role in the well-being of a family. They bring you closer, fill you, charge you with love and energy! I met my husband Dmitry 4 years ago, we have been married for 3 years. During this time we went through fire, water and copper pipes... What is the secret?

We always do everything together! We rejoice together, we cry together in pain, we move together in the dance of life, we pray together, we do yoga together, etc. And I can say with complete confidence that there is “WE”.

WE are when we breathe the same air, when everything is clear without words. When there are no scandals, and relationships are based on love, respect and trust. We are very sensitive to family rituals. I'll share some of them.

1. Greetings to the world

Every morning, when we open our eyes, we greet the world! This can be done in any way, the main thing is that it comes from the heart. For example, we do it like this: “Hello, world, I rejoice with you,” and so on 3 times. We discovered this greeting when I was reading the book “The Boy and the Angel” during pregnancy. I have never seen a stronger book for children. So in this book, an Angel came to the boy every evening and taught him how to live with an open heart, taught him morality and kindness. And one day, when he came to him, he taught him this greeting, which should sound after awakening. I will remember this for the rest of my life...

When we wake up and greet the world, say hello to it, smile, then immediately everything around us begins to play with bright colors, light fills the room! And no matter what your condition is, lack of sleep, sadness, and so on, greeting the world equalizes everything.

1. Prayer and gratitude before meals

Dima and I ALWAYS do this ritual before meals, I don’t even remember that we forgot to do it, we are already imbued with gratitude!)

Before each meal, we always turn to God, the Universe, the Universe and thank you for the food, earth, sun, water, with the help of which food was able to grow and give us the energy of life! We thank the people who worked in the fields, mined, processed, sold, and packaged, because this is a huge process that we don’t think about. After all, so much work is put into getting the food on the plates!

After this ritual, the food becomes of a completely different quality, it seems to become tastier. And assimilation occurs in a completely different quality! There is no bloating or heaviness after eating, but there is a lot of energy and joy.

1. Blessing our day or journey if we go on the road

We ask God to help us, to guide us in serving people, so that we can be useful to our planet on this day! This helps a lot to work with the Ego, which almost everyone has. After this, the day is filled with meaning, taste, colors, and good deeds! And we become artists who, with the help of a divine brush, paint our lives.

1. Share your day's events

At the end of the day, we always tell each other what happened to whom, what news we had, meetings with people, experiences, insights. If we spent the whole day together, we simply share our sensations and feelings. I am always very interested in listening to my husband, even when he talks about his work affairs. After all, he shares his part of what is happening, which means he shares himself)) In the same way, I am always sincere and honest with Dima in my daily life, I tell him about my feminine world of sensitivity and difference from the masculine one. It is very important to be aware of each other, to live each other’s lives, because relationships are a dance for two.

There is nothing blissful and pleasant when couples, after a working day, go to their room with dull faces, each with the words “I’m tired...” and “I’m tired.” After all, it is from each other that we can draw support and energy. Be happy, friends! Love each other!

It is so simple. About rituals and traditions. This is precisely the case when small things are, in fact, not small at all.

“What traditions do your family/couple have?” "When did they arise?" "Who brought them in?" "Do you like them?" "What do you all like to do together?" "Does your family have special rituals?" – these and other questions help illuminate the important connecting threads that give strength to the family fabric.

It happens that traditions, like family rules (unspoken), are passed down from the parental family unconsciously and are taken for granted; in this case, it is useful to take a closer look at them. How are they useful? Do our couple, children, and family as a whole really need them? Do we want to keep them? It is also important to review traditions as the family develops: age changes, changes in needs, changes in family composition.

Of course, there are also “traditional” harmful “things”. An example would be the weekly Sunday scandal, regular binges, family members going into virtual reality every evening, etc., which, despite all their stable immutability, are obviously destructive and toxic. Alas, in some families, these are the traditions: there is a habit of criticizing each other, but there is no habit of hugging each other. Just as mechanical repetitions and the soulless automatism of some outdated rituals (in psychology - “ritualism”) are also useless. At the same time, the value of traditions filled with emotions and meaning is extremely high.

The relationship between the changeable and the constant is an important point, both in individual life and in the life of a couple or group, which includes a family. The balance between the constant, something you can rely on, and something new, something you can be inspired by and diversify your life, is one of the manifestations of harmony. If the changeable creates dynamics, novelty, and increases interest, then the constant creates a feeling of security, reliability, and stability. As you know, the presence of a certain regime and rituals is necessary for young children to form guidelines in a large, unpredictable world, to reduce anxiety, and to build trust in the world. But even in adulthood, rituals and traditions retain their significance, grounding, mentally warming, creating a feeling of strong connections with the world and other people.

In addition, traditions and rituals have several other remarkable properties, which, together with what has already been mentioned, look like this:

• Create a feeling of stability and security.
• They increase the cohesion of a couple or family, maintaining connections between family members, as well as generations.
• They allow you to be in emotional contact with each other and your emotions (some traditions create space for experiencing not only joy, but also sadness, sadness, for example, days of remembrance).
• They introduce useful and important things on a permanent basis, which a) allows you not to forget about them b) not to waste time and energy every time on persuasion/negotiation/organization. In this context, tradition makes it possible to say to a quarrelsome child: “not discussed,” and that it is noteworthy that what is instituted often really does not require persuasion (as, for example, “one cartoon before bed” - always one (not two, even if Today the mother would like to keep the children occupied longer, and the children know this).

Ritual morning“good morning, my dear” or evening “good night, princess”. It's so simple, but in many families people don't greet each other in the morning or say goodbye before bed. Warm words accompanied by a tight hug will provide the other with the minimum portion of love that is so necessary for good health and high self-esteem, even if you live with a crazy schedule and busyness all day.

Reading at night. A tradition that can be preserved regardless of the age of your child (or partner) is reading aloud to each other, say, psychological books, which is quite a useful activity, especially if you do not moralize, but with humor discover new facets in yourself, relationships and the world). If a child can read fairy tales, then a teenager can read fragments from your favorite adult books, articles or a volume of poetry. What is important here is not the quantity of what is read, but the quality (primarily the emotional coloring of what is happening).

Traditional Sunday breakfast spouses outside the home and children will provide the opportunity to regularly see each other outside the home environment, create space for one-on-one conversation, and devote time only to each other. By introducing them on a regular basis, you won’t have to make new arrangements with your children/grandmothers every time, asking them for time off; the whole family will simply know and take into account in advance that on Sundays you always leave for a couple/three hours.

"Sunday Pie". This is actually a tradition from my own family. Every Sunday, together with the children, we bake it, we choose which one from time to time, but the tradition of cooking together, and after drinking tea together, is unchanged.

"Day of Pleasure" And the same tradition from my family, when once every six months we go with the children to the city center, where we do whatever they want: any route, whim, any cafe (including unhealthy ones), gifts (the amount is discussed in advance, but the purchases themselves are not - they can be anything), and not a single word of criticism (it can be difficult, but what is the experience)

"Parents day". When children (the age factor is taken into account here) do everything for their parents: they clean, cook, set the table.

Joint "Saturday" film or a traditional board game that all family members can take part in.

These are just a few examples of the vast variety of options that could enrich your family. Don't be lazy to repeat. If you sow an action, you will reap a habit; if you sow a habit, you will reap a destiny. If many simple but useful things are not done regularly, then the chances that they will come to naught are extremely high, and along with them, the important thing that they carry will disappear.

Modern psychology has accumulated a large amount of research on the problems of family development, family dysfunction, child-parent relationships, etc. At the same time, researchers note that in conditions of social instability, most people experience an urgent need to belong to more stable communities, among whose first place belongs to the family.

A person is included in the parental family by birth and is identified with its members in the process of upbringing and assimilation of family traditions. The stable functioning of a married family needs to be supported by means that enhance its cohesion. Rituals as newly created and significant forms of interaction for all family members can become psychological means of maintaining intrafamily relationships.

Using the concept of “ritual,” one should identify its content and distinguish it from terms that are similar in meaning. Thus, according to generally accepted views, traditions are historically established forms of activity and behavior passed on from generation to generation. Rituals are traditional actions that accompany important moments in human life and activity (initiation rites, marriage rites, agricultural, calendar, etc.). Customs are a stereotypical way of behavior that is perceived in a certain society or social group as familiar to members of this group (the custom of villagers going to bed early). A habit is an established way of behavior, the implementation of which in a certain situation acquires the character of a need for an individual (to brush teeth).

In contrast to the listed terms, rituals are a concept introduced into developmental psychology by E. Erikson (1966). According to his theory, rituals are repeated actions that have meaning for all participants in the interaction. Rituals are formalized, stereotyped, individualized forms of interaction between people; their meaning does not act as an object of reflection by the participants in the interaction. In accordance with the law of bipolarity, according to E. Erikson, there are rituals and ritualisms. The following distinctive features characterize authentic rituals:

• their general meaning for all participants in the interaction, while maintaining differences between individuals;
• development through stages of the life cycle, during which the achievements of previous stages at later stages acquire symbolic meaning;
• the playful nature of the ritual, i.e. the ability to maintain novelty during repeated repetitions.

Genuine rituals play a special role in identifying the individual with the collective. They contribute to group cohesion. In contrast, ritualisms are repetitive actions from which the spiritual content has been emasculated (disappeared); they are dysfunctional in nature.

E. Erikson saw the ability to ritualize interpersonal relationships as an opportunity to create a new lifestyle that could lead to overcoming aggressiveness and ambivalence in human relationships.

In the pedagogical system of A. S. Makarenko (1951), rituals and traditions are given a special role in identifying the individual with the team and its unity. An example is the ritual of admission to the colony, accompanied by the ceremonial burning of the rags of new arrivals; issuance of uniforms; strict observance of the honor of the banner; special terminology, etc. Thus, in practice, which was far ahead of theory, it was shown that genuine rituals contribute to the normative regulation of the functioning of the group, coordinating the behavior of everyone to achieve a common goal.

Family rituals were the subject of study at the Milan School of Systemic Family Psychotherapy (M. Selvini Palazzoli, L. Boscolo, D. Cecchin, D. Prata, etc.). The following types of family rituals were identified here:

• rituals of everyday life (eating, going to bed, meeting, saying goodbye);
• rituals of the family calendar (birthdays, anniversaries);
• rituals for celebrating events marked in the “external” calendar (Christmas, New Year);
• rituals of life cycles (wedding, birth of a child, death).

In accordance with the time characteristics, types of family rituals are also presented. This minimized rituals associated with unpleasant experiences for family members:

• the husband drinks - the wife and children avoid joint holidays with other families;
• interrupted rituals associated with moving, divorce, war, death of a loved one;
• rigid rituals, which are characterized by actions performed automatically; in such families there is little fun and playfulness;
• obligatory rituals, characterized by tension for people who do not expect it, but cannot change anything (religious rituals for atheists);
• flexible rituals that change over time (the child becomes a teenager and the bedtime ritual changes).

Family rituals can act as psychological tools or means in forming cohesion within family relationships.

Cohesion as an integral characteristic of a family includes a certain degree of emotional closeness or attachment of family members to each other, as well as the formation of family identity, the cognitive aspect of which is image "We", and the affective aspect is feeling "We". In the studies of D. Olson, it was highlighted four levels of family cohesion.

• Disconnected family type- family members experience almost no affection for each other and demonstrate inconsistent behavior.
• Divided family type- family members are able to get together, discuss problems, provide support to each other, and make joint decisions, despite the fact that their relationships are characterized by some emotional separation.
• Confused family type- there are extremes in the demand for emotional closeness and loyalty; individual family members cannot act independently of each other.
• Joint family type- characterized by emotional closeness and loyalty in relationships. Family members often spend time together; this time is more important to them than time devoted to individual interests.

D. Olson believes that separate and joint family types are balanced and ensure optimal family functioning. Families with a divided and confused type of cohesion are problematic.

In the concept of M. Bowen, an inadequately cohesive family is characterized by hyper-closeness of family members, alternating with periods of mutual alienation, emotional dependence of family members on each other and rigidity of relations between them.

According to our assumption, family rituals can be that tool(a psychological tool, according to Vygotsky), which will help change stable but dysfunctional ways of interacting in the family. Analysis of literary sources revealing the features of a harmonious and dysfunctional family (M. Bowen, V. N. Druzhinin, K. Whitaker, V. Satir, A. S. Spivakovskaya, etc.) allows us to specify the concepts of functional and dysfunctional ritual in the family.

Functional rituals are norms (patterns, methods) for constructive interaction between family members, based on agreement between them and renewed at certain intervals in repeating circumstances. They may include specific actions in their role and time sequence. Functional rituals are flexible and meet the individual needs of family members and are acceptable to them. Functional rituals help maintain family cohesion at a balanced level.

Dysfunctional rituals are ways of behaving unconstructively, recurring periodically in the family. They perpetuate ineffective relationships between family members and do not meet the needs of personal growth. Dysfunctional rituals are rigid and contribute to maintaining an overestimated or underestimated level of family cohesion.

Our empirical study surveyed two groups of adults about the rituals that take place in the parental and marital families. Group A- students of Arzamas State Pedagogical University living with their parents (195 people).
Group B- people from 25 to 45 years old with a family and children (62 people). This group includes four subgroups:
married people;
people who are divorced;
single mothers;
widows/widowers.

The survey identified family rituals in the parental and married families, their role in family life, and motivation for preserving the rituals of the parental family in the future married family. Descriptions of 672 family rituals were obtained. Despite the interested attitude of respondents to the survey, difficulties were discovered in isolating rituals from everyday life. As a rule, survey participants did not think about the meaning of family rituals. The survey helped them take a fresh look at this phenomenon and evaluate its significance in family life. Note that for our respondents the word “ritual” has a narrower, everyday meaning, and in order to identify recurring events that are significant for all family members, during the conversation we used the phrase “traditional events.”

In Fig. Figure 1 shows the frequency of mentioned family rituals in group A.

Here are examples of family rituals of respondents from group A:

“We take communion in church before the new school year”, “On November 27 we celebrate the patronal feast of our village”, “Every spring dad goes fishing on the Volga. After his arrival, on the very first day we organize a fish feast - we fry the fish and put it on the table right in the frying pan. We cook fish soup and eat it with wooden spoons”, “On Victory Day we go to the cemetery to visit the grave of our grandfather, a participant in the Second World War”, “Only dad cuts the bread in the family - he is the head of the family”, “Family Day - parents’ wedding day”, “Photos as a souvenir on his birthday”, “For every holiday, my father prepares his signature roast”, “We celebrate grandfather’s second birth - recovery after being seriously wounded during the war”, “We have a traditional Sunday dish”, “We are thinking about buying a new thing”, “ Every evening dad comes home from work and brings a chocolate bar, and we drink tea together,” “Soulful songs at the table, in nature,” “On September 1, we definitely buy a cake.”

Respondents associate family rituals, first of all, with family cohesion, the formation of a positive emotional background, and psychological comfort. Assessing the role of rituals in family life, respondents said:

“Thanks to traditions, the family will become more united”, “They make us kinder to each other”, “They increase joy, the ability to give pleasure to our relatives”, “They provide the opportunity to meet all relatives, many of whom live in different cities.”

In Fig. Figure 2 presents the assessment of the function of family rituals by respondents of group A.

Analysis of the responses of people who have or had a married family (group B) made it possible to show that the repertoire of family rituals differs depending on the type of family. Respondents from two-parent families most often name, emotionally and describe in detail various rituals associated with family life, with generally accepted and family holidays:

“The husband is the owner of the garage, cellar, hallway in the house: he cleans shoes, outerwear, puts away out-of-season shoes,” “For the New Year, we all decorate the Christmas tree together, invite Santa Claus, put gifts under the tree,” “We celebrate the wedding day every year - we give gifts to each other, we organize a candlelit dinner”, “We try to spend the weekend with the family, even better - in nature”, “We play cards”, “On Friday the whole family goes to the bathhouse, drinks beer with fish”, “The whole family always has dinner together”, “Every evening we try to arrange a small celebration. We buy goodies, drink tea, discuss the past day (only in the evening we have an hour or two that we spend together).”

Respondents from single-parent families most often name rituals associated with organizing family life and family holidays: “We bake a cake for our birthday, get together in the evening,” “The daughter feeds the rat and cleans its cage, and the son takes care of the cat.”(Fig. 4).

Single mothers indicate only rituals associated with celebrating family holidays, generally accepted holidays and joint recreation: “It’s good to welcome guests”, “We’re celebrating our daughter’s birthday with her friends, preparing an entertainment program”(Fig. 5).

In the families of a widow (widower), rituals associated with organizing family life and celebrating family events are called: “Each family member cleans up after himself: washes the dishes, makes the bed”, “We always celebrate our summer birthdays in nature, near the water”(Fig. 6).

Based on the statements of respondents from group A and group B about the frequency, diversity and role of rituals in their family life, levels of family cohesion. The criterion for the hierarchical sequence of cohesion levels is number of different types of family rituals existing in the family (from 0 to 10).

“Cohesion 10-9” is distinguished not only by the large number of named rituals, but also by their detailed emotional description. Mutual assistance, good family relationships, and joint activities of family members were often mentioned.

At the “Cohesion 8” level, young people indicated that there were problems in the family, but this was a normal situation.

“Cohesion 7” is characterized by the desire of young people to improve the situation in their parental or future married families. The general trend of answers related to level “Cohesion 6” was the recognition of difficulties in the family, the alienation of family members from each other.

“Cohesion 5” and “Cohesion 4-3” refer to dysfunctional families; respondents indicated possible, from their point of view, reasons for this problem. People whose family cohesion was rated low (4-1) had difficulty remembering family rituals and talk about the continuity of traditions in the family. At the same time, this part of the respondents had clearly expressed positive expectations from the inclusion of rituals in family life.

The introduction of functional rituals specially developed for each specific family during correctional work will help strengthen the family and increase its level of cohesion. New rituals can become the psychological means that will allow family members to combine individual independence with family identity based on close, emotionally positive relationships of care and mutual assistance, openness of communication, and flexibility of family roles.

This hypothesis was tested in the conditions of the Center for Social and Psychological Assistance to the Family (Arzamas). Families seeking psychological help, as a rule, are characterized by dissatisfaction with marital relationships, ineffective child-parent relationships, and have an undeveloped system of family traditions. The level of cohesion in these families is most often underestimated (disconnected type of family cohesion). This manifests itself in disruption of family communication, emotional distancing of family members, inconsistent behavior, difficulties in providing support to each other, and lack of common interests.

Putting new rituals into practice

Let us analyze in more detail the situation in P.’s family.

In this family, both spouses have a desire to do “better for the family,” which means controlling the behavior, including the husband’s drinking (on the wife’s side), not entering into open conflicts with the wife, but not giving up their positions (on the husband’s side) ). The tense relationship between the spouses is regulated with the help of the problematic behavior of the teenage son. He begins to behave and study poorly, show lack of independence, forgetfulness, which allows parents to unite, cooperate with each other, come up with ways to influence their son, redistribute family responsibilities, involve the father more in raising his son, spend more time at home, etc. Others In other words, a dysfunctional ritual has formed in the family, maintaining the family system in its current position and preventing the family from falling apart. At the same time, the son bears the brunt of the parental relationship, refusing independence and emancipation from his parents.

In the process of correctional work, a change in the level of family cohesion was carried out through the introduction of a new ritual. We assumed that in a dysfunctional family, overestimation or underestimation of cohesion occurs due to an imbalance between the individual needs of each family member and the needs of the family as a whole. In order to normalize the level of cohesion in this family, it is necessary to strengthen the marital coalition by introducing a new functional ritual that would allow the husband and wife to realize their needs for leadership, taking into account the needs of the other and the family as a whole. At the same time, the teenage son should have been freed from the role of mediator in these relations. Based on this, we offered the family a new ritual - “Leader’s Day”. Spouses must determine in advance which of them will lead on this day and who will obey the leader. At the same time, the second spouse retains an “advisory” role - he can express his opinion, offer to discuss the decision proposed by the leader, but does not have the right to demand or aggressively insist on his point of view. Spouses alternate in the leadership role. The proposed ritual was discussed with the family and was accepted by them. There were no fixed deadlines for the end of the ritual. A ritual can be used as long as it has a functional meaning for the family. At first, after the start of the new ritual, the family was provided with support in the form of a discussion of what was working and what was not working, and how family members felt. If necessary, adjustments were made.

About three months after the ritual began, changes occurred in the family. They were recorded using the T. Hering Family Test (FAST), which was also used in a diagnostic examination of the family, before the introduction of a new ritual, and conversations with all family members. According to the teenager, he is completely satisfied with what the family now has. “What’s even better, I don’t know yet,” he said. The teenager has the opportunity to be autonomous from his parents. He noticed that mom became calmer and more cheerful, dad was at home more, and they almost stopped quarreling.

In another family (family L.) A situation has arisen in which the satisfaction by one of the spouses of his needs for maintaining self-esteem, the image of a husband and father, was combined with the dissatisfaction of the wife and son’s needs for attention, love and care. The family sought counseling regarding their son's aggressiveness. At the diagnostic stage, it was revealed that the family problem was broken marital relationships. The husband expressed his concern for the family mainly through the desire for high earnings and buying things for the family. Perhaps this was significantly influenced by the traumatic situation in which the family found itself, when the husband’s failures in business led to the breakup of the family, the exchange of an apartment, the payment of debts, etc. The emotional relationships of family members were disrupted, and inadequate ideas arose about how everyone sees the family situation of family members, what feelings they have towards each other. It turned out to be painful for the child to discuss any topics related to the family.

The role of the cat in this family is interesting. The animal in this family became the object towards which all family members experienced positive feelings. It has become an emotional thread in the family. Communication with an animal can be seen as another example of a dysfunctional ritual that maintains balance in the family.

The functional ritual proposed to the family was to organize a home party after making another purchase, when everyone gathers around the table and talks about the significance of the appearance of a new thing for each family member, how it will affect his life and the life of the entire family as a whole. .

The introduction of a new ritual entailed an improvement in the marital coalition, improved family communication, and the establishment of boundaries for the autonomy of each family member while maintaining emotional closeness and openness between them.

In general, the results obtained in the study allow us to draw the following conclusions.

1. Family cohesion includes the effectiveness of interpersonal communication, emotional identification with the family, and family rituals. The effectiveness of interpersonal communication is associated with the norms and rules adopted in a given family. Emotional identification with the family occurs through relationships of sympathy, as well as the assimilation of common values ​​for the family. Family rituals serve as a normative regulation of family life and are a way of organizing events in which the meanings and tasks of joint family life are set.

2. Family dysfunction is associated with a decrease or inadequate strengthening of family cohesion, which occurs due to weakening or inadequate strengthening of emotional ties, deformation of relationships of dominance and responsibility, excessive autonomy of family members, rigidity of relationships, unformed system of family roles, and the emergence of dysfunctional coalitions within the family.

3. Families experiencing difficulties are characterized by an abnormal level of cohesion (overestimated or underestimated), which is supported by dysfunctional rituals, or, in other words, dysfunctional stabilizers of family relationships.

4. Rituals that help maintain family cohesion at a balanced level create a balance of forces that promote the unification of family members, giving family members the opportunity to develop individually and build relationships with each other based on their individual needs and ideas.

5. Ideas about the role of rituals in the family depend on the subjective assessment of family cohesion. With its high subjective assessment, traditions and rituals are given a significant role in the harmonious functioning of the family; there is motivation to preserve them and pass them on to younger generations, as well as to enrich the accumulated repertoire of family traditions.

6. The creation of a new ritual should be based on the characteristics of a particular family and contribute to the emergence of constructive patterns of behavior.

Obukhova L.F., Dvornikova I.N. Rituals as a psychological means of forming family cohesion // Psychological Science and Education. 2008. No. 4. - pp. 24 - 34