Hello. I want some advice. I have such a situation. I communicate with a young man. I do not write that I am meeting with him, because I myself am not sure whether we are meeting with him or not. The fact is that he works very hard. He simply does not have physical time for rest, and, accordingly, for me. At first I was worried, I thought that he was just deceiving me, walking with someone else, just taking advantage of me. But after a while, after observing him, I realized that he really plows.

We see him once a week. I understand he has plans there. His apartment is under construction, a mortgage, and he started a global renovation in the apartment where he now lives. He needs money, that's why he works. Here, as they say, there are no complaints on my part. But he doesn't call at all for a week. He's shooting for 10-16 hours (he works on television), he can't talk in any way. He called several times just like that, but he only calls if he agreed to meet. For a very long time I doubted whether he was using me. But it really works. And when he comes home, just eat and sleep. There is no strength for anything else.

And sometimes he does not sleep at night. Shoots or mounts. The last time he had it, he was so tired. He said that he was filming at home, did not sleep for 2 days, but nevertheless decided to call me to come, because he understands that he is treating me ugly when he disappears for weeks.

When I come to him, I stop doubting him. He says that he was bored, that as soon as he finishes this project, we will go there and there. Let's do this and this. And indeed, it is clear from him that he missed, he does not just speak beautiful words. He's just that type of person - addicted. When he starts working, he forgets about everything, including calling me. That doesn't suit me, I don't know whether to talk to him or not. I don’t want to scare him away, I’m afraid to talk, men don’t like such conversations, otherwise they’ll say like: if you don’t like it, look for someone else.

I feel that it is imperative to somehow very carefully talk to him about the fact that I respect all this (his work), and I need him, and IF he needs me, then how to find holes in his schedule and make calls me, or if I'm free, I could drive up there, for example, once a week for his break and drink coffee together, or maybe go somewhere ... He has less motivation to meet with me than to work. And here you need to think about how you can lure and motivate him. I'm afraid he'll say, “You know, I’m not up to a relationship right now, I’m so busy. Find yourself a better one. ”, Etc. I'm still very afraid to talk about the need for him. It turns out, I practically confess my love to him.

I'm ready to wait when he has time. I am also a very busy person - I work, study, I go somewhere all the time. And in this sense, I understand him and do not blame him. But I would like him to give me the confidence that I have something to wait for, that there is meaning. That I’m not wasting my time. That he is with me. That he needs me. But men don't like commitment. I am afraid of his refusal.

A very typical and relevant situation: you start dating a young man to whom you feel strong sympathy, but a problem arises - he spends most of his time at work, and there is practically no time left for you. He also has feelings for you and is not opposed to further relationships, but he only has a couple of hours on the weekend. In this case, you need to figure out whether you need such a man who, already in the candy-bouquet period, replaces your society with work.

Why is a career so important for men?

Any man wants to fulfill himself in the workplace. This behavior of men depends on the person himself, whether he wants to abide by social rules or not. First of all, work allows a man to raise his social status, gives him the opportunity to manage and lead other people, as a result of which he begins to feel more confident. Second, a good job brings in the money you need to support yourself, your girlfriend, and your future family. It also allows you to realize your capabilities and show what a man is capable of.

Therefore, most men see their work as a place where they gain independence and can show their own strength.

What should be done so that the work does not completely overwhelm a loved one?

First, you need to answer one question: what does a man want to avoid when he devotes all his time to his work? After numerous studies, experts have concluded that workaholic men appear in families where there is no warm relationship, they experience a lack of communication, or there are constant quarrels in the family. When a man lacks communication and warmth, he tries to compensate for this in his workplace.

A site for women about beauty, health, personal care, love and success.

Therefore, if a woman wants to spend more time with her loved one, then she needs to create an atmosphere of coziness and comfort in the house. Home for a man should become a place where he will hurry from work, because he is loved and understood there.

You can also try to have a serious conversation with him. Try to find out the reason, and help him get rid of the habit all the time at work. If a man makes contact, and the conversation takes place in a free atmosphere, then let him know that financial well-being is not the main thing for you.

Compliment him more often, do not be afraid to over praise him. Say that you love and appreciate him, not because he brings money into the house and gives gifts, but because he appreciates and cares for you. As a result, you need to prove to him that the time you spend together is very important to you.

A banal situation: a man works a lot, and a girl takes offense at him. And what is there to talk about? Either he came across an incomprehensible lady who does not know that money is not made out of thin air, or she came across a workaholic who is not inclined to show tender feelings. For a long time I was convinced that in such a situation a compromise can always be found, and the topic “which is more important for a man - a woman or a job” did not seem essential to me. Exactly until I found out that my L. almost left me a year ago due to the fact that I did not pay attention to her because of work!

It's like a butt on the head, you live and think: “Well, even if I'm not an ideal man, but still I give flowers, I say compliments... "You're sure you're definitely not bad." And then on you: "Yes, we ourselves almost parted when you turned into a zombie." It turns out that my eyes were like two burning lanterns, in which it shone: "Work, work." She supposedly fell asleep for three months without me, and all I did was mumble about my project and sat at it all night long. She, of course, can understand everything, but after all, one must have a conscience, after all!

I found out a lot more, but not all phrases were printed, so we will do without quotations. And to my sincere amazement, why didn’t she talk to me then, a year ago, I heard only tired: “Have you ever talked to the wall? When you talk to a dog, it has at least understanding eyes, and there is a chance that you are not speaking into emptiness. " So it turned out that any spaniel would do me in a heart-to-heart conversation.

I see the goal, I see no obstacles

Probably, the one who tightened the screws and screws of a male nature, set before us only one goal, or rather set the direction - forward and only forward. We are running headlong for a promotion at work, for money, which, as you know, does not exist, for success in everything. Higher, better, stronger is our motto. We are so arranged that we want all the best - the coolest car, the biggest house, the most ... well, let's say, the most beautiful woman already exists. But still, it is precisely because of this determination that a lot of misunderstandings arise with this life. A man is driven by a specific goal. It doesn't matter what you have to do, the main thing is to do, and thereby prove, and first of all to yourself, that you are a real man.

Do we look like madmen at this moment? Definitely yes. And few people are ready to support us and endure at such moments. If a lady of the heart is next to the "madman", then she, the poor one, will have to skip alongside, keeping up with her beloved, and even carry all her household belongings on her shoulders. Such women will hear the eternal "dear, I will strain myself now, and then we will have everything, and I will only be yours." "Then" may come oh how soon, or it may come even when the hero, alas, is left alone.

Who will win

Of course, such marathon races and storming professional peaks are not a permanent male state. Someone does not overtake it at all, if the work is boring, then the fuse to do it is not only overtime, but at the set hours there is no desire. But there are also people who think and live by work. With creative people, the matter is clear. If a woman falls in love with a writer (actor, artist, musician), then she will initially have to put up with a constant rival, work. And I consider entrepreneurs to be creative people: they have the same mass of ideas in their heads that require immediate implementation. And you can't put them aside, and you can't get them out of your head. I just want to say to justify men's "professional passion" (and, as a result, complete indifference to friends): "This is not us, this is nature!" But who will believe?

True, there are truly strong women who can stand next to such men. And the nerves of such ladies of their "geniuses" will beat pretty much. One of my acquaintances, who has lived with a science fiction writer for 15 years, came out of this relationship with two bags and a simple truth: it's hard to live with writers, but it's impossible to live with bad writers. I have seen such life scenes more than once: he - with great views of the future, she - with simple thoughts about the present. And between them, as a rule, everything ended. More often quickly, and sometimes long and painful.

Any man passionate about his work (not necessarily an artist, even a manager) balances on a thin blade. On the one hand, he has a beloved woman, the meaning of his life, and on the other, self-realization and career, the purpose of his life and, in fact, he is himself. In attempts to find a middle ground, the realization comes that this choice is unrealistic. Self-realization or beloved - no one is able to choose one over the other. But it doesn't work that way. Because the choice must be made. Is always.

Lost in translation

It's hard to talk about compromises. You cannot say to a woman: “I will not pay attention to you for six months, I have an important project here (not more important than you, but still)” - or: “I have no time for you now, but in general I love you. Strongly". That is, you will say something, but rarely will anyone appreciate such sincerity. And yet it is worth trying to find a compromise, although no woman can prove to a man that he "abandoned" her for work. Because a man works to be the best in her eyes. That is, he works for her! So what kind of inattention are we talking about? Yes, this is all about the same thing as thousands of years ago: who is the best hunter, that same worthy male. But a year later, ten years later, he will reflect and realize that somewhere he was mistaken and missed something. And that the beloved needs not only a male, but also a caring husband.

Due to the nature of my service, I often have to take interviews and record them on a dictaphone. Hands sometimes reach deciphering in a month, and if listening to your voice on the recording is already familiar, then hearing what questions he asked and how he reacted to the words of the interlocutor is sometimes uncomfortable. Even in such a short time, thoughts change, and you think: here I would have done differently. If there was such a dictaphone that would allow us to record our actions, which we will regret "after a while", but capable of making us look at ourselves from the outside now. Such a device would be a magical solution to all troubles. But he is not there, and we need to look for other ways to reach out to each other and make it clear how indifferent we can be without noticing it.

It's already one in the morning, and I catch on myself the persistent glances of L., which can only mean that it is time to round off the article. And it seems that I am becoming more attentive and no longer being a wall.

You met a man, you liked him, but for some reason the relationship does not move from a dead center ... Alas, life is not always like a romantic fairy tale. It is possible that you simply did not like your chosen one. How to find out so as not to waste energy on building hopeless relationships? Psychologist Elena Godina advises.

The fact that a man rejects a woman is not always obvious to her, says the specialist. - Especially if she is really not indifferent to this man. Any little thing can be taken as a sign of attention. And yet, this is not so ... How can you stop deceiving yourself?

If a man is interested, then at the meeting he will certainly ask the lady for a phone number or other coordinates. Didn't ask? So you are not the heroine of his novel. You don't have to waste any more time.

Sometimes it happens that after one or two dates, a man realizes that you are not his option. He loses interest in you and stops communicating.

Of course, the man's short "silence" is not evidence of anything, says Elena Godina. He may be busy, sick, on a business trip, and so on. But if your boyfriend disappeared without warning for a month or two, you should be on your guard. However, there is nothing to be ashamed of, and you can try to call or write to him, the psychologist advises. By the reaction of your chosen one, it will be clear whether he is going to continue the relationship.

If a man does not answer your emails, and you can never get through to him on a mobile phone, then most likely he does not want to keep in touch with you anymore. We'll have to come to terms.

The same is true if a man constantly tells you that he is busy. Remember - if a woman is interested in a man, he will always find an opportunity to communicate with her. Therefore, do not create illusions.

Even if you have had sex, this is not a reason to think that the man is now yours. This is the mistake of many women. Perhaps the man had sex with you under the influence of a momentary desire and now feels uncomfortable when you call him and try to make a new appointment. In general, according to the rules of etiquette, after a sexual date, your partner should call himself. If he is silent, then it was only sex, and nothing else.

Unfortunately, men are often themselves to blame for the fact that women misunderstand them, - says psychologist Elena Godina. - It happens that a man is simply too well-bred and hesitates to show a woman that he has no feelings for her.

He can chat with a woman amicably, be polite, and she takes it for a man's interest. It seems to many ladies that if a man communicates with them, then the matter is in the ointment. Meanwhile, this representative of the stronger sex can thus communicate with absolutely all women.

Some men also flirt with everyone. If any woman takes this for something more serious, they are sincerely surprised, since they are sincerely convinced that they did not give a reason ... This often happens, for example, in work collectives.

What are the signs of real interest on the part of a man?

He tries to look at you all the time.

He tries to be constantly in touch. For example, if he can’t call you, then he is sure to get in touch via the Internet.

He is interested in your business.

He is eager to meet with you if possible.

In personal communication, he seeks to touch you. Even if he does not directly offer to have sex, there is always a certain sexual interest in his behavior.

If most of these signs are absent, then this man does not need you.

Of course, you can still try to win his favor, but forcibly, as they say, you won't be nice, - says Elena Godina. - It is better to look for a new chosen one than to cling to someone who is not interested in you. Believe me, sooner or later there will always be someone who needs you.

READ THE MOST INTERESTING IN LOVE:

If a man has such a type of thinking and needs that work is a very important event for him, then it will be difficult for you to lower his level of work.

For example, in my relationship, my girlfriend works all the time, seven days a week, she is always engaged in some kind of projects.

Due to her constant work, it happens that we spend little time together outside our home. That is, there is no free time to go anywhere, go out of town, etc.

Because of this, automatically, the feeling of each other is reduced. Since in order for you to feel each other more, you need to spend your free time with quality, and do it together.

If you both work all the time, then the quality of your relationship will not be as high as if you were on vacation together. And there are many different reasons and explanations for this, if you are interested, write in the comments and I will add them.

So.

I tried to lower her level of work several times, just by talking to her, but it was useless.

And in fact, this is understandable.

For her, work, this is life, this is the method through which she learns and develops herself, and this is very important for her, this is her priority in life. The method that she chose to develop and know herself is work. I have this method of meditation, someone else has this method of professional sports, she has a job.

Therefore, all that remains for me is to acknowledge this and appreciate her priorities, since they are important to her.

Therefore, if work is life for your man, then you may have to accept the fact that he works all the time. Otherwise, you will try to do what will go against his vital energy and priorities at the moment, and this will only begin to destroy your relationship with him.

But, as I always say, psychology is not so simple.

If a person works all the time, then most likely there is an imbalance in his life. And as I always say, in most cases, people are not aware of what is happening in their life, especially when it comes to balance and imbalance in their life.

Therefore, your man may not be aware that he is experiencing a severe imbalance. Or he may be aware of this, but not feel how much it negatively affects his psyche and health.

Remember that we are used to thinking that the way we live is right, and the way other people live is wrong. Therefore, he will think that he is living correctly until life teaches him differently.

Why am I saying this now?

Plus, even if he works all the time, there is a chance that he will work less and spend more time with you. This chance can be developed, and this can be done by talking with your man about joint recreation, etc.

As I often explain, respectful open dialogue with each other in a relationship works wonders.

Therefore, do not give up, if you want to spend more time with your loved one, then remind him of this, talk openly with him about it, plan joint leisure activities.

Well, that's in short for now, see the rest of the options in my video on this issue above. Post your new questions below.