Self-awareness

Self-awareness has many different sublevels, three of which are most important: body awareness, feeling awareness, and thought awareness.

CONSCIOUSNESS OF THE BODY AND ITS MOVEMENT

In the sutras, the Buddha encourages his disciples to be constantly aware of their body and its movements. It is necessary to be aware when walking, standing, sitting or lying down. It is necessary to be aware of the position of the arms and legs, how you move, how you gesture, etc. According to this teaching, with awareness, a person cannot do anything hastily, disorderly or disorganized. A perfect example of this is the Japanese tea ceremony.

At first glance, the Japanese tea ceremony revolves around a very common activity that we do every day: making and drinking tea. We've all done this hundreds and thousands of times. How is it done in Japan, during the Japanese tea ceremony? There they do it in a completely different way, because they do it consciously.

Deliberately fill the kettle with water. Deliberately put it on the coals. Consciously sit and wait for the kettle to boil, listening to the noise and gurgle of water in the boiling kettle and looking at the flickering flame. Finally, they deliberately pour boiling water into the teapot, deliberately pour tea, deliberately serve it and deliberately drink it, all this time keeping complete silence. All this action is an exercise in mindfulness. This is a pattern for using mindfulness in daily activities. This attitude must be carried over to all our classes. Any business should be based on the same principle as the Japanese tea ceremony: everything should be done carefully and consciously, that is, calmly, unhurriedly and beautifully, as well as with dignity, harmony and peace.

But if the Japanese tea ceremony demonstrates a certain level of awareness in everyday life, if it represents a certain type of spiritual culture - the culture of Far Eastern Buddhism, especially Zen, then what kind of ceremony or tradition that reflects the mentality of the modern West do we have? Is there anything we have that expresses the spirit of our commercial culture?

After some reflection, I came to the conclusion that such a characteristic of our culture is a business lunch. During a business lunch, you are trying to do two things at the same time: eat food that is tasty for the body and profitable business. This behavior, when simultaneously trying to do two mutually exclusive things, is incompatible with genuine and deep awareness. In addition, it is very bad for digestion.

If you constantly exercise awareness of the body and its movements, then as a result of movement it will be possible to slow down. The flow of life will become more even and even rhythmic. You will do everything more slowly and deliberately. But this does not mean that we will work less. This is not true.

A person who does everything more slowly, because he does it consciously and deliberately, can do more than one who looks very busy, because he is constantly rushing about and littered with folders and papers - in fact, he is not busy, but simply fussing. A truly busy person does everything calmly and methodically, and since he does not waste time on trifles and fuss and remains mindful, in the end he will do much more.

Awareness of the senses

First of all, this means the awareness of whether we are happy, sad, or in some kind of intermediate state, a dull gray and neutral state. As we become more aware of our emotional life, we notice that the non-skillful emotional states associated with lust, hate, or fear begin to recede, while the skillful emotional states associated with love, peace, compassion, and joy become more pure.

If a person is by nature irascible and easily falls into anger, then, developing awareness of feelings, he first of all begins to become aware of his anger after the anger is angry. Then, with practice, he becomes aware of the anger during the attack itself. And after more and more prolonged practice, he will become aware of anger at the moment it arises.

CONSCIOUSNESS OF THOUGHTS

If you suddenly ask a person: “What are you thinking about now?”, Then most often he will be forced to admit that he himself does not know. This is because often we don’t really think, but we simply allow thoughts to flow through our mind. We do not have a clear awareness of our thoughts, we are only vaguely aware of their presence, as if we see in a certain gray twilight. We have no directional thinking. It's not that we decide to think about anything and then we really start thinking. Thoughts float through the mind in a vague, incoherent, disordered stream. They flow in and out, swirling, and sometimes just spinning and swirling in the mind endlessly.

Therefore, it is necessary to learn from time to time to observe where thoughts come from and where they go. If we do this, we will notice that the flow of thoughts will decrease, and their endless chatter will stop. If we train hard to be aware of our thoughts, then eventually, at certain moments that mark the highest points of meditation, the mind will remain completely silent.

All rational thoughts, all concepts and ideas will disappear, and the mind will remain silent and empty and at the same time complete. To attain and experience this silence, this emptiness of the mind, is much more difficult than just silence. But the very moment when, as a result of awareness, the mind becomes silent, when all thoughts disappear, leaving only pure and clear consciousness or awareness, marks the beginning of true meditation.

It is said that these three types of awareness of oneself - the body and its movements, feelings and thoughts - must be practiced constantly, no matter what you do. Throughout the day, and with practice and at night, in the midst of dreams, it is necessary to continuously maintain awareness.

If in this way we keep awareness all the time: to be aware of how our body is located, how we put our foot or raise our hand; be aware of what we are saying, what feelings we are experiencing, joyful, sad or neutral; to be aware that we are thinking, whether the flow of our thoughts is directed or not - if we maintain such awareness all the time, and if possible all our lives, we will see that gradually and imperceptibly, but nevertheless absolutely definitely, awareness will change and transform our whole being, our whole character.

As psychologists say, mindfulness is the most powerful means of transformation we know. If heat is applied to the water, the water turns into steam. In the same way, if awareness is brought to the mental component, then this component will become more subtle and sublime.

Expression of gratitude

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I am immensely grateful to the many people who have contributed in many ways over the years to the creation of this book and to the development of the ideas presented in it. For all of us, the real teachers are those we think are special people. We are taught not only by their positive contribution to our lives, but also by the difficulties they create for us. Personally, I have learned a lot from my parents, my wives, my three children, and from other people whom I put in the special category. I learned a lot from the ways that helped (or did not help) fill my relationship with love, regardless of whether that love came from me or from someone else. I thank all these people from the bottom of my heart, for without them, without what they were and what they remain, positive or negative, I would not have been able to grasp for myself the lessons that helped create this book. Special thanks go to my family members for allowing me to spend time writing this book instead of spending that time with them.

I also want to thank hundreds, and perhaps even thousands of people who became my patients and told me about their life and their relationships; most of them perceived me not only as a doctor, but also as their friend. They taught me many of the aspects of relationships between people and how the principles outlined here have helped them bring about significant change in their own relationships. I also learned a lot from those patients who were unable to open up to me and who were unable to experience the joy of completing our course. I also thank those who attended my lectures, seminars and classes, who asked me provocative questions and questioned my ideas.

They made me think through everything to the end, for which I am grateful.

I want to thank my wonderful editor Lauren Marino, who helped me even while she was busy organizing the new Penguin Group subsidiary, Gotham Books. She persistently and persistently offered her help to make this book "the best." Thank you Lauren for believing in me and what I write about in this book. I'm glad I came with you to the Penguin Group.

Initially, my manuscript was divided into two parts: theory and practice. For several months I hesitated, not knowing what to put first in the book. And I am very grateful to Billy Fitzpatrick, who was able to take my manuscript and masterfully combine these two different parts in a mixed format, which made the book even better. It was a pleasure to work with her.

Many thanks to the president of Sounds True, Tammy Simon, who invited me to record on six cassettes the audio course “The New Physics of Love: The Power of Mind and Spirit in Our Relationships,” where I presented the audience with similar material. Preparing to record this course helped me to articulate and organize the ideas contained in this book. Her collaborators Sarah Wheeler and Randy Rourke also helped me a lot. Thanks to them. It was Tammy who introduced me to my future agent Kim Witherspoon, saying, “Why don't you meet her? I think you will like it. " And I really liked her, from the very first meeting. Kim not only was excellent at negotiating, but also helped in a variety of ways to bring this manuscript to print.

Thanks to the many colleagues and friends who have read my manuscript at various stages of readiness and provided the most insightful and inspiring comments: Dr. Clemens Lowe, Dr. Kenneth Frank, Dr. Kenneth Porter, Janet Ettel, Michelle Rosenthal, Dr. Barbara Bloom, and Frank West, with whom I spent many hours at lunchtime discussing the concepts in the book. He gave me permission to use examples from his personal life in this book.

I also want to express my deep gratitude to the two people who have now left us, who greatly contributed to my awakening and, therefore, led me to write this book. I thank physicist David Bohm for those inspiring and informative meetings that ended with my epiphany - a change in my views on the world and my place in it. I began to understand our common interdependence. Thanks also to Dr. Viktor Frankl, an Austrian psychiatrist who survived the horrors of concentration camps. Thank you not only for his books, but also for the communication at the seminars that he led at Boston University as a visiting lecturer. He helped me see how important our thoughts and our attitude towards life are - sometimes life's worth! I don’t know if I would have gone this way if it had not been for Dr. Frankl and Dr. Bohm.

I also thank other teachers who have become a source of great inspiration for me: the Bible, the teachings of the Buddha, the Yogananda Kriya Yoga program, the scriptures and teachings of Sathya Sai Baba and himself, Kabbalah, Meister Eckhart, Carl Jung, Rumi Krishnamurti, treatises of Saint Germany, Maharishi and in particular, Teaching in Miracles is the most comprehensive and profound work on psycho-spirituality that I have found. Thanks also to many others, for whom there is not enough space to mention here.

But first of all, I want to express my special gratitude to the Spirit that exists within us, without which we are powerless to do anything.

Hello, I am 24 years old. After marriage, the spouse drew attention to the fact that I could not express my feelings and emotions, which caused conflicts. The question "what are you feeling now?" leads to a stupor, and I can only answer what is expected of me or what I feel. According to observations, it has always been, as far as I know myself. It is difficult to understand myself, can I really feel nothing at all, or do I have feelings, but I cannot realize them? It's hard to empathize, it's hard to build close relationships. Instead of support from my husband, there is a wall of misunderstanding, and accusations that I don't feel anything for him, plus my inability to explain why this is, why, in the end, I withdraw into myself even more.
Please tell me if there is a problem here that requires deeper consideration and how to proceed.

Hello, Elena!
Feelings and emotions, of course, are, but you do not know how to express and be aware of them. In childhood, we are taught to read, write, think (that is, intellectual development), so it is difficult for us to be aware of feelings, we are not taught this. Only recently have they started talking about emotional development.
In addition, it often happens that for some reason a child, and then an adult, blocks the expression of feelings, as if fenced off from them. These reasons are unconscious, purely individual, as a rule, they are formed in childhood as protective mechanisms, but over time they begin to interfere. It is important to understand why it works, what needs it satisfies, why it cannot be done in a more constructive way. After that, you can change to new ways. This requires a series of consultations with a psychologist, in person or via Skype.
Before you get to a psychologist, try this exercise. Every day, every 2-3 hours (set the timer), you stop doing what you are doing and answer 4 questions: 1. What am I doing (specific action)? 2. What do I feel (emotion, sensation in the body, any part of the body)? 3. What do I want to do at this moment? 4. What do I think (if there are thoughts)? All of this must relate to this particular moment in time. Do this over a few days, preferably more. Then reread. Search the internet for different emotions and how they are expressed. Observe people, how they express different emotions, how you will know exactly what they are feeling. Try to explain all this to your husband that it is not your fault, maybe he will help you with recognizing emotions, and not blame yourself.
And yet, it is important to find unconscious causes. Go to a psychologist.
There will be a desire, I am ready to work on the problem with you on Skype.

Respectfully yours, Anna Grandilevskaya, psychologist from St. Petersburg, in person and on Skype.

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Elena, hello.
It is very good that you have decided to deal with your difficulty. The inability to express your feelings is a serious problem for a person. The fact is that there were some reasons for this. If a child has many strong experiences, painful and it is difficult for him to cope with them, then his psyche decides not to feel. This is her defense mechanism. There is such a saying "The soul said, it hurts, the head said, be silent! And there was silence ..." And the person ceases to feel, rejoice, grieve. In other words, you lose contact with yourself. And this is a disaster for the person himself, but also for those who are next to him. It is also bad that in the absence of contact with oneself, diseases and ill health come to a person. Therefore, it is so important to regain your sensitivity. And this can only be done with a specialist psychologist. Therefore, do not delay with this. Sincerely.

Silina Marina Valentinovna, psychologist of Ivanovo

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Hello Elena. There are two meanings in the letter. The first is if the husband behaves himself selfishly and insensitively. Therefore, over the years, your displeasure with him grows and you become cold to him. This is very logical for any normal woman. The second option is uh You are all right, but instead of warmth and acceptance of your husband as good, you look for a reason for irritation and displeasure. At the same time, he does not care about you and kisses and hugs you. In this case, your coldness is your difficulty. In the first option, the husband is bluffing, and with You are all right. In the second, it is advisable for you to work with a psychologist or in personal therapy. Since feelings and trust will not just appear. Therefore, act depending on the option. In the first case, it is important to talk with your husband about his indifference, and in the second improve myself.

Karataev Vladimir Ivanovich, psychotherapist-psychoanalyst Volgograd

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The request for a conscious life is born only in a developed person who begins to feel his inner world and pay attention to his experiences, emotions, thoughts, desires and begins to trace the inexplicable relationship between his inner state and his results in the outer world. This is a request of a person who not only wants to satisfy his basic survival needs, but also wants to develop and receive true joy and pleasure from life, from self-realization, from interaction with other people.

Mindfulness allows you to act effectively and at the same time enjoy life, realizing your potential, noticing problems at the stage of their occurrence and resolving quickly and efficiently. You can only control what you are aware of. Therefore, mindfulness is the key to managing your life! Mindfulness allows you to control your body, emotions, thoughts, your attitude towards people and your life.

What is this awareness?

Awareness is a total and non-judgmental immersion of attention into the processes occurring in our life (physical, mental and psychological) and their awareness. Awareness is a searchlight of attention directed inward, which illuminates a problem or some process, makes it clear, visible and understandable. At this moment, we do not condemn and do not assess the phenomenon, person, feeling, action, but simply observe. Conscious life is a real life, a life outside of conventions, imposed values, desires and behaviors. To be aware is to see yourself and the world around you as they really are.

What you get by practicing mindfulness in life:

• Wellness. A conscious attitude to the body will help prevent diseases and come to recovery, because listening to our body, we begin to give it exactly what it needs.
• Internal balance and harmony. A conscious attitude to your emotions allows you to manage them.
• Realizing your potential. Realizing our desires, over time we learn to distinguish between true desires and imposed ones. And by realizing true desires, we begin to reveal our essence and our uniqueness.
• The freedom to be yourself. Realizing our thoughts, desires, feelings and actions, over time we become free from nested programs, patterns, negative attitudes and become more successful and happier.
• Improving relationships with others. Mindfulness allows you to see a person as he is, and not interact with a fictitious image.
• Discovery of intuition. Conscious attitude to your inner world opens intuition. Often the body and nervous system give us signals, warning us of possible consequences.
• Improving living standards. A mindful attitude towards your thoughts will help shape positive changes in your life, as mindful thoughts give rise to mindful actions.
• Brightness and zest for life. Mindfulness makes life interesting, not boring and mundane. After all, every moment is unique and beautiful, but not noticing the beauty around us, we plunge into a series of endlessly dragging gray everyday life with dreams of a vacation.
• Increased energy levels. Returning our attention to the present moment, we return to ourselves our energy, which we used to spend on scrolling through thoughts, situations and experiences from the past or fears for the future.

Thus, awareness allows a person to become alive and real, to do what comes from the soul, and not imposed by anyone, therefore, to realize oneself and experience genuine joy and happiness from this.

How can you develop awareness?

On this path, you can improve constantly, collecting threads of attention and becoming more and more aware over time. You can start with the simplest, but after all, it is from small, but constant efforts that a great result is formed.

The Easiest Mindfulness Practices

1. Breathing practice. Concentrate on inhaling and exhaling without interfering, just observing. This practice calms, immerses in the present moment, relaxes.
2. Conscious eating. As you eat, focus on the taste. Holding a piece of bread in your hands, try to realize how it came to you, how much effort and time it took to cook it, grow wheat, collect, grind flour, pack it, bake, how much effort and labor was invested in this small piece. And what is its value.
3. Focusing on your feelings. In order to have time to live your life, and not do everything automatically, you can do a dive every hour or two at the moment. You can set a timer on the clock. And when the bell rings, leave your business and immerse yourself in the present moment, asking yourself "What do I feel now?" This practice does not take much time and perfectly restores strength in the midst of a busy day, refreshes.
4. A sphere of awareness. Imagine a transparent sphere in the chest area and focus on it and ask yourself: "What do I really want now and what will please me?" Then start filling this balloon with nice imagery. This opens up access to the true desires of our Soul. This same practice can be used to determine the true desire or the imposed one. Place the image of desire in this ball of the Soul and listen to the sensations. If they are pleasant and joyful, then the fulfillment of the desire will bring you joy, if not, then most likely the desire is imposed by someone.
5. Conscious work with negative emotions. If negative feelings have taken hold of you, turn your attention inward and ask yourself, "How do I feel, where in my body do I feel it?" Then concentrate your attention there and begin to exhale consciously until the emotion dissolves. Over time, you will be able to quickly dissolve negative emotions with your awareness.
6. Awareness of your thoughts. If you tend to get involved in negative thoughts and run them for hours, then try the simple but effective rubber band exercise. Put a rubber band on your hand and as soon as you catch yourself getting involved in negative thoughts, not strongly, but noticeably pull the rubber band off and click on your hand. Consciously switch your attention from bad thoughts, as the famous Scarlett O "Hara" I will think about it tomorrow, but not now. Remember that thoughts are vibrations that form a field around you and what you think about, then attract to yourself.
7. If you are annoyed by any person. Any person responds within us with some kind of feeling or state. For example, we read or listen to someone and feel how something within us resonates and resonates. We have pleasant feelings towards the person. But it also happens that you look at a person, and something unpleasant, annoying is born inside, which does not find resonance inside. Consciously walking along this sensation, find and localize a place in the body and then begin to relax this tension until it goes away. As a result of practice, you will notice that the attitude has changed to neutral and does not bother you anymore. It works very efficiently, and with practice it is very fast.
8. Body awareness. The body always begins to signal us about violations, but we are so absorbed in our affairs or thoughts that we often do not notice it. Until the strongest signal is turned on - pain, which indicates that the destruction is already serious. The main cause of destruction and disease is the contraction of the body's spaces, which most often occurs during stress. Compression prevents energy from flowing calmly and relaxedly. This is the same as constantly walking with clenched fists. Blood and energy stagnate and problems begin over time. A very simple bodywork practice can be done before bed. You need to lie down comfortably and begin to slide your attention over your body, find zones of tension and consciously relax them, if the tension is very strong, then you can breathe it out, imagining how you fill this zone with light with your breath. It promotes good sleep and health.

By improving in the practice of mindfulness, you can reach a new level of life. When you become aware of your body and its sensations, you understand that you are not the body. When you are aware of your thoughts, you understand that you are not thoughts. When you are aware of your feelings, you understand that you are not feelings. When you consciously relate to desires, you begin to distinguish between the true desires of the Soul and those imposed by society. When you enter the state of the observer and begin to live in the present, then you become the master of your life, mind, body, thoughts and feelings.

To begin with, I’ll ask a question: do you have a relationship with a man now? Do they fully suit you? Or do you still want to make some adjustments?

Today, humanity is approaching the moment when the psychology of relations between a man and a woman is ready to move to a new stage. After all, the established views on what a relationship should be in a couple are no longer acceptable.

People are increasingly dissatisfied with love, they do not know how to make their relationship with the opposite sex “work right”. And believe it or not, it's not that bad. When something breaks in any mechanism, this becomes the reason for making changes (improvements) to it during repair.

I believe that such an approach can be successfully used by modern psychology of relationships. If something goes wrong in the relationship between a man and a woman, this can lead either to their rupture, or vice versa - to the adoption of measures to "repair", make changes and rescue.

Many people in such situations use the advice of a psychologist or relationship coach (who I am). Therefore, here is my advice: "repair" your relationship, make them new, take them to a completely different level! Make the relationship mindful!

How do you translate this advice into real life? Read this article to the end and you will understand everything.

The Psychology of Conscious Relationships

So what is a mindful relationship?

I draw your attention to the fact that I am talking about the growth of a woman's personality as a woman, and a man's personality as a man.

This goal is general and at the same time personal. She brings loving people together.

Currently, most people start relationships only to meet their needs (material, sexual and very rarely - spiritual).

You may not like what you hear from him. He may also be unpleasant about some of the things that you tell. But in the end you will know that each of you is REAL.

I repeat a little: we are used to adjusting, pleasing our soul mate, as we are afraid of losing her. But this destroys the relationship.

The only way to keep true love is to be honest. Reveal all the most unpleasant in yourself, put it up for reasoning with your partner and allow him to do the same.

This leads to a sense of insight and understanding - a combination that automatically enhances love.

4. Relationships as a place for true love

Love is ultimately an experience. The experience of accepting, being present, forgiving, receiving heart wounds.

Sometimes we treat love as the ultimate goal. We want to always feel it to the maximum. And when this feeling weakens or disappears altogether, we cease to like what our relationship turns into.

Love is a journey and exploration, in the process of which you come across.

Also, the question will periodically arise: "What do I want at the moment?" So, the answer will be different in every moment of this path. The reason is your development, your personal growth, which should never stop.

The psychology of relationships between conscious couples is designed in such a way that, based on devotion and experience, love appears and strengthens, and relationships become such that no one even dreamed of.

Instead of summing up the results, I would like to ask ...

Are you ready for such actions and changes?

After making at least one of the listed proposals, your man can fence himself off, close in "his shell" or "flare up and start tearing and throwing." And this can be the beginning of the end of the relationship. But you will understand whether he really is exactly who you need.

This is how the relationship between a man and a woman works - when there are real feelings, it is not so difficult to make changes in the relationship.

Thank you for your patience in exploring my reflections on relationship psychology. I will try to continue to delight you with advice on such burning topics.
Still have questions? Let's start a conversation in the comments!